So here I am, behind my desk, headphones on and ready to write. But I feel like I don’t even fucking know where to start. I just know that I have SO much to say, SO much to share but I just can’t seem to get it out right. Which is weird, because I’ve never had an issue with this. Le sigh.
Let’s see, where to start? At the risk of sounding like a fucking broken record: I am deeply miserable. I mean, this is the ledge and I’ve been standing on it for a while now. Lately even more so than usual. I genuinely just want it all to stop, I just want SILENCE. I want all of the thoughts to stop, to go away, to leave me the fuck alone. If you’re reading this right now there is a very big chance that you have BPD, like me. So you’ll understand it when I say that I can literally think myself into a super fucked up shitty mood. Crazy, right?
Oh I should also apologize in advance because something tells me that I am going to be all over the place with this post, jumping from one subject to the other. Haha, it’s funny because that how it feels like inside of my head. Total fucking chaos! lol.
On Youtube right now, trying to listen to some of those “feel good” songs, sing myself into a good mood? lol. It doesn’t always work though, especially when I suddenly find myself listening to Evanescence. But I digress.
It’s now 2016 and I am still not working. Been out of a job for 2 years now. Many people don’t understand how fucked up that is for someone like me. Someone that HAS to keep busy constantly, as a distraction, otherwise the thoughts come and they always lead to over analyzing and eventually feeling like total shit. And the fucked up part of it? I’m not fucking stupid. I’m no Einstein but I am far from stupid. Despite the fact that I feel like I have lost at least half of my brain cells from being unemployed. Let’s face it, the brain is a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it. That’s genuinely how I feel right now. Lord.
The best part of being unemployed? When people tell me to “just look for a job”. Oh I’m sorry, wow, why hadn’t I thought of that yet?! Fuck, I’ve been going at this completely wrong for the last 2 years! I totally forgot that I could walk into any office, grab the boss and FORCE him (or her) to give me a job. Silly me! And here I’ve been, unemployed for so long! Gah, I swear, when people say that shit to me I genuinely want to punch them in the face.
Then again, does a day go by where I don’t want to punch anyone in the face? Especially lately. Gah. Okay, maybe I need to make a list of topics that I want to cover and then devote a post to each one. Seems more organized, yes?
Okay, stay tuned my lovelies, I shall aspire to return shortly.
3 hours into Christmas earlier today and my family was already getting on my nerves.
Is it some kind of unwritten rule that family drama must ensue during holidays??!
Tomorrow my cousin is coming over to Granny’s house to cook and he’s basically invited like 20 freaking people. I have no desire whatsoever to go and be social and shit, let alone with 20+ people. Yuck. Family members no less. Christmas mostly feels like an obligation, to be honest. And this is why I informed everyone that I would not be joining the “fun”. Then my aunt decided to yell at me. She literally told me “It’s Christmas. Even if you don’t like each other, you just pretend. At least until Christmas is over”. Yeah, ah.. Nah? Nothing against my family (mostly?) but the last thing I need is to PRETEND to like each other and stand there and be asked the following questions by family members that I haven’t seen in years:
-“You looking fat oh. You pregnant?”
-“Have you gained weight?”
Or the very well known:
-“Why you spoiling yourself like that oh? Why you putting all those tattoos on your body like that oh!? You used to be such a fine girl!”
And the ones I truly hate:
-“How’s your mom?”
Me: “I wouldn’t know. Don’t care”.
-“OH, what you mean you don’t know? She your mother!!”
Me “Nah.. Not really…”
-“No, no, no Conchita, you can’t behave like that oh! Your mother is your mother”..
That is usually the point where I’d grab the nearest wine bottle and just chug the entire thing.
So yeah… My bed, a cold beer and I shall be having a lovely 2nd Christmas day tomorrow!
Not gonna be forced to play nice and act social all day 👍
I have thought about this long and hard (lol) and I’ve come to a conclusion.
I have tried the “happy go lucky-life is awesome-unicorns and fairy dust” thing and it is just not in me. I feel like a liar when I act like that.
I am me, flaws and all. I can be (extremely) negative and a total downer at times but I am also a very good and caring person. I am the type of person that would give a shoeless person the shoes off of my feet. So yeah, maybe I moan and whine a lot, it’s my outlet.
I know that interaction with me can be hard at times and all I can say is that I do all that I can, I do my best, I can’t do much more. I have decided that I will no longer pretend. Not for anyone. I am me, I am who I am, I am not perfect.
I am now 24 and I’ve changed a lot, especially compared to say 5/6 years ago. The old me was much worse, believe me.
If I consider you my friend, then please, don’t take that for granted because that means that I would go through hell and back for you.
I don’t do what I do because I expect something in return, I do it because I was raised right by my Grandmother and because I am a good person. So don’t take my kindness as a weakness and do not take it for granted either.
This is me, and I’m here to stay.
Sorry, not sorry.
I know that I joke around a lot but all jokes aside for one second. Let me have a moment of your time.
I don’t like the way that things are. I do not like the way that people act. I am fully aware of the fact that I am merely 1 person and that I can’t change much (or anything?) so no need to point that out. But I’m having a wee bit of a soapbox moment so hear me out.
The world is a horrible place and it is all getting worse by the day. People ask me why I stay in my “no news” bubble and it’s because I don’t want to know what is going on out there. But unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I still pick up bits of news from all around me. I can read a newspaper headline and I am instantly bummed out. I’m so freaking sensitive to my surroundings (yaay for BPD) that it really gets me upset and in a frenzy, so I do my best to avoid it all.
This world is going down the crapper, extremely fast too. The earth is being destroyed. People are dropping dead left and right. Human beings killing their fellow man. I could go on and on, that’s how long the list is.
Today I watched my aunt break into tears because she is so worried about her son in Liberia and the fact that Ebola is spreading like wildfire. While she bugs the living daylight out of me, it did something to me, to see her crying like that. Look at everything that is going on in the world, it honestly makes me wonder sometimes if the world truly may be coming to an end.
It frustrates me so much that I can’t just snap my fingers and make everything go away. Who am I but just one person in a world with billions?
I just want to hide in a cave and never come out. I just don’t want to deal with people, they aggravate me a lot. I don’t want to deal with the world. I don’t want to see all the pain and sorrow. I have enough of my own.
If anyone is selling a cave, holla at a sista.