Leaving that closet

Came across a very well written and lovely article by Lauren McGrath. “Coming Out As Borderline”

This article depicts the stigma that BPD-ers encounter on a daily basis, be it online/movies/tv or even WITHIN the mental health profession. I have had the luck of having dealt with mental health care professionals that were NOT stigmatizing toward me or others. But many (!!!) of us out there have in fact not been so lucky.

Living with this illness is hard enough as it is, but constantly running into these walls and having to deal with a stigma, isn’t fun, to say the least. How is one to get the proper help if the professionals even run at the mention of BPD? Not all mental health professionals are like this, thank Goddess, but unfortunately there are still a lot of them out there.

My diagnosis was first brought up at the age of 12, I fought it with every fiber of my being, I didn’t want to hear anything about it. I was basically in proper denial. But as I grew older and went through so much fucking hell, I decided to do research of my own (thanks Google!) and that’s when it first hit me: it’s like someone wrote all of this research about ME.

This was the first step toward acknowledging what I had. Eventually I reached acceptance. Some might even say that I went through the entire Kübler-Ross 5 stages of grief . Step 5 was acceptance.
I am 27 years old now and whilst I still struggle with my BPD on a daily basis, I’ve come out. I came out of the BPD closet and I am not ashamed of who I am or what I have.

Namaste🤘🏽

Can you miss something that you’ve never had?

Funny how a tv show can bring out so many emotions, even though it’s all make believe. I am not the type that cries when watching a movie or a tv show. I am not the type to even get emotional because of it. But no matter how many times I’ve watched Gilmore Girls, I’ll always get all emotional and start crying my eyes out, as it triggers so many things for me.

I have never had what they had. I have never had their relationship. I didn’t get to be friends with my mother, let alone best friends. I have never had the movie nights with a shit load of junk food or the endless hours of conversation. I didn’t have the closeness that they shared. I have never had any of it.

I have never had a Logan, a Jess, or a Luke or even a Dean.  I had a bunch of emotionally unavailable-distant and unattainable men. I have never had the love that most people get to experience. Shit, I’ve never had any love for that matter. I’m 27 years old now and I am fairly certain that I don’t even know what love really is.

Watching GG as a kid and re-watching it as an adult were 2 very different experiences  for me. Watching the GG revival has brought up so many emotions, so many thoughts and feelings. Seeing how close they are, seeing how they make up even after the biggest fight, seeing how much they care about each other. As I sit here, at my desk with my boy Matisse asleep between my legs, I can’t help but wonder: what would my life have been like if I did indeed have a  GG-esque relationship with her? Would I not be the person that I am today? The scarred individual that sits here, typing this. The basket case.

Would I be married and with kids by now? Would I be in a healthy relationship and living a very happy life? Would I be living a dream life? All of this goes through my mind, keeps me wondering.

I’ll never have a Luke, because I have never had a Lorelai….

That moment when you can relate just a bit too much…

I knew that this moment would come, probably more than once too but damn, it’s still hitting a nerve.
 
Busy doing schoolwork and I just covered a part about the different attachment styles in babies/kids and how, if lacking a proper one, that it could basically fuck you up for the rest of your life. That shit is hitting too close to home. Fuck. I actually had to walk away from my pc for a minute, to remain calm.
 
This is going to happen quite often, considering that I’m studying psychology, gonna have to find a way to deal with this. Now I’m just wigging out cuz tomorrow we’re gonna be covering this in class as well. I can already see myself storming out of the classroom, very upset. Le sigh. Gonna try my best not to.
 
I lack a healthy attachment style. I have an attachment disorder (along side all of my other brilliant disorders) and it’s something that has made my life quite a living hell, to be honest. It’s not something that goes away overnight either. Fuck.
 
Here is to hoping that first hand experience is what makes super awesome psychologists?
 
#bpd #bpdproblems #psychologystudent #psychology #mentalillness #mentalhealthawareness #attachmentdisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #personalitydisorder #endthestigma 

Ennui

ennui21So here I am, behind my desk, headphones on and ready to write. But I feel like I don’t even fucking know where to start. I just know that I have SO much to say, SO much to share but I just can’t seem to get it out right. Which is weird, because I’ve never had an issue with this. Le sigh.

Let’s see, where to start? At the risk of sounding like a fucking broken record: I am deeply miserable. I mean, this is the ledge and I’ve been standing on it for a while now. Lately even more so than usual. I genuinely just want it all to stop, I just want SILENCE. I want all of the thoughts to stop, to go away, to leave me the fuck alone. If you’re reading this right now there is a very big chance that you have BPD, like me. So you’ll understand it when I say that I can literally think myself into a super fucked up shitty mood. Crazy, right?

Oh I should also apologize in advance because something tells me that I am going to be all over the place with this post, jumping from one subject to the other. Haha, it’s funny because that how it feels like inside of my head. Total fucking chaos! lol.

On Youtube right now, trying to listen to some of those “feel good” songs, sing myself into a good mood? lol. It doesn’t always work though, especially when I suddenly find myself listening to Evanescence. But I digress.

It’s now 2016 and I am still not working. Been out of a job for 2 years now. Many people don’t understand how fucked up that is for someone like me. Someone that HAS to keep busy constantly, as a distraction, otherwise the thoughts come and they always lead to over analyzing and eventually feeling like total shit. And the fucked up part of it? I’m not fucking stupid. I’m no Einstein but I am far from stupid. Despite the fact that I feel like I have lost at least half of my brain cells from being unemployed. Let’s face it, the brain is a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it. That’s genuinely how I feel right now. Lord.

The best part of being unemployed? When people tell me to “just look for a job”. Oh I’m sorry, wow, why hadn’t I thought of that yet?! Fuck, I’ve been going at this completely wrong for the last 2 years! I totally forgot that I could walk into any office, grab the boss and FORCE him (or her) to give me a job. Silly me! And here I’ve been, unemployed for so long! Gah, I swear, when people say that shit to me I genuinely want to punch them in the face.

Then again, does a day go by where I don’t want to punch anyone in the face? Especially lately. Gah. Okay, maybe I need to make a list of topics that I want to cover and then devote a post to each one. Seems more organized, yes?

Okay, stay tuned my lovelies, I shall aspire to return shortly.

Namaste

Borderline Personality Disorder | Mental Health Awareness Month

The title says it all. Every May is Mental Health Awareness Month. As someone with BPD I am going to do my best to spread awareness. We also need to get rid of the stigma that is attached to mental illnesses. We are not monsters, we are not psychopaths, we are human beings, just like everyone else.

Many people don’t take mental illness serious, why? Because they think it’s all “in our head”, that we’re making it up in an effort to get attention. You are taken less seriously than someone with say, cancer. But why? Cancer isn’t something you can SEE either. Because the fact of the matter is: unless it’s something they can SEE, they don’t take it (us) seriously. Just because it’s not a gun shot or a stab wound or a big infected boil, doesn’t mean that we don’t hurt.

“If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?”
-William Shakespeare

Yes, I totally used a Shakespeare quote to make my point. But it’s true. We aren’t any different than any other person roaming this earth. We are all human. And yet, often people with a mental illness get treated like they are less than their fellow human being. I think that this is absolutely horrible. But that’s a discussion for another time.

Mental Illness is something that should be discussed openly. It shouldn’t have such a stigma on it. If you feel that someone near you (or yourself) has a mental illness, PLEASE, I urge you to get help. Go to a doctor and get the proper help. The sooner it’s caught, the better their chances at recovery are and they no longer have to suffer. This goes for you too, if you feel that you may suffer from a mental illness.

There are lots of organizations that are there to help. The patient as well as the family of the patient. Make sure that you have the proper support system. You can’t do it alone. All it takes is one phone call to a mental health professional, do it now!

Don’t suffer any longer, get help!

-Beautiful Disaster