My super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post

I want to write a super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post but I just can’t. Because it’s not how I feel. And maybe it’s also because I am not aforementioned things – at all. Not because I haven’t tried – because I have.

I have tried “positive thinking”, I have tried “looking at the bright side of life”, I have tried it all. But to no avail.

I am now 28 years old and I can fairly (and very truthfully) say that I can’t remember the last time that I was happy, which makes me wonder – was I ever even happy? Even a little bit? After a lot of soul searching – oh so very much – I can honestly say that I have never been happy. I have never been a happy person either – I have never had a reason to be happy.

Have I felt moments of happiness? Or what I perceived as happiness? Sure I have. But they were just that, they were “moments”. Moments pass – they are not permanent.

My dogs make me happy – dogs in general make me happy. Petting them, looking at them, hanging out with them – it cheers me up. But when the moment passes I go back to feeling like my old regular unhappy self.

People often say “How can you say that you’re not happy?! I have seen you smile before!” Sorry to burst your bubble – but even (chronically) depressed people can smile. Just because I am incredibly miserable doesn’t mean that I can’t laugh when I hear/see something funny. It doesn’t mean that I can’t smile whenever my dogs look at me with their beautiful puppy dog eyes. It doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate a good joke.

A smile is just a smile. A smile can be faked even – and I know all about it, because I have been faking it for over 20+ years.

I have lost my train of thought – welcome to my brain – okay I really can’t remember where I was heading with this.

How do you even know if you’re really – truly and completely – happy? Or are all of you happy ass folks just faking it too?

Advertisements

Can you miss something that you’ve never had?

Funny how a tv show can bring out so many emotions, even though it’s all make believe. I am not the type that cries when watching a movie or a tv show. I am not the type to even get emotional because of it. But no matter how many times I’ve watched Gilmore Girls, I’ll always get all emotional and start crying my eyes out, as it triggers so many things for me.

I have never had what they had. I have never had their relationship. I didn’t get to be friends with my mother, let alone best friends. I have never had the movie nights with a shit load of junk food or the endless hours of conversation. I didn’t have the closeness that they shared. I have never had any of it.

I have never had a Logan, a Jess, or a Luke or even a Dean.  I had a bunch of emotionally unavailable-distant and unattainable men. I have never had the love that most people get to experience. Shit, I’ve never had any love for that matter. I’m 27 years old now and I am fairly certain that I don’t even know what love really is.

Watching GG as a kid and re-watching it as an adult were 2 very different experiences  for me. Watching the GG revival has brought up so many emotions, so many thoughts and feelings. Seeing how close they are, seeing how they make up even after the biggest fight, seeing how much they care about each other. As I sit here, at my desk with my boy Matisse asleep between my legs, I can’t help but wonder: what would my life have been like if I did indeed have a  GG-esque relationship with her? Would I not be the person that I am today? The scarred individual that sits here, typing this. The basket case.

Would I be married and with kids by now? Would I be in a healthy relationship and living a very happy life? Would I be living a dream life? All of this goes through my mind, keeps me wondering.

I’ll never have a Luke, because I have never had a Lorelai….

My clock just doesn’t tick….

This morning something funny happened, I just had to share it with you guys.

Early morning breakfast conversation:

Me: “Yeah, I don’t ever want to have kids”.

Aunt: “WHAT?! But why not?”

Me: “Because I don’t want to”.

Aunt: “But there is nothing wrong with your eggs! You can have children! At least have 1 and be done with it”.

Me: “I do not WANT to have kids!!!!!!”

Aunt: “But how is that possible?!”

Me: “Sigh, we have this conversation at least 4 times a year and every time it’s like your brain can’t accept what I am saying, or rather, won’t accept what I am saying”.

Aunt: “You are a woman! You have to have kids!!!”

Me: “What law states that I have to have kids because I am a woman??”

Aunt: “It is just the way it is!!! You are a woman and that is your job and purpose in life! To have children!!”

My 11 year old sister (that I take care of full time!!): “So I won’t be an aunt?”

Me: “Sure you will! To my 30 dogs!”

Aunt: “M, she is going to have children, even if I have to force her!!”

Me: “Oh, so you’re going to force me ah? I’d like to see you try, last time I checked it was still MY life and MY womb”.

Aunt: “God and I will make you! You just wait and see”.

Me: “Here, have some more bacon. It’s really healthy. Have loads!”

😂😂😂😂😂😒

This morning I was apparently transported back to the 1950’s!! Lol. The nerve of some people.

Yes, I am indeed a woman. No, I am not obligated to have children.

Yes, it is and always will be MY choice.
No, it will never be anyone’s else’s choice.

Yes, I like children.
No, I do not wish to have any of my own.

Happiness (in life) does not depend on whether or not I pass a kid through my lady parts.

My aunt is not the first to go off on me like that because of my decision not to have kids. People like her need to mind their own business and accept that it’s my decision and not theirs.

My all time favorite has always been “Oh you don’t know what you are talking about. You’re still young, you will change your mind”. That shit cracks me up!!

I am 25 years old, I think that I am capable of making my own decisions. I made up my mind about not having kids when I was in my teens for fucks sake.

#TeamNoKids #life #MyBodyMyChoice #LeaveMyWombAlone