TRIGGER … TRIGGER … TRIGGER
If you’re a Borderliner like myself, the odds of you having self harmed are pretty high. Let’s not pretend that you haven’t done it at least once, shall we?
I used to cut. I used to cut a lot and very deep. Even now, nearly 8 years later, you can still see and feel my scars.
In the winter of 2006 I got up one morning and told myself that I would stop cutting, that I would get out of the deep darkness that was my depression.
I (somehow) managed to do it. I became “stabley unstable”, as I like to put it. Was I “normal”? Was I “fixed”? Was I “happy”? No. But at least I was no longer cutting, smoking too much, mixing my prescription meds with alcohol or taking sleeping pills. Spoiler alert: I replaced cutting with the above, plus more, a while after I quit cutting. .
I kept this up for quite a while. I was going to school, I was working and I had my own place. Therapy, meds, all of it. I however slowly slipped back into just being “unstable”. But enough about this particular aspect of my life.
I may have stopped cutting but I was still self harming, albeit in different ways. I was all over the place. From being extremely impulsive to reckless spending, being promiscuous to being unsafe with my medication and alcohol. This was back when my meds still worked on me. To be honest with you: I can’t remember most of this period. It’s a mixture of 1) my brain blocking it out because it was somewhat traumatic and 2) I mixed a lot of my medication with alcohol. This all has created somewhat of a gaping hole in my memory. I don’t like thinking back to that time, I did many things that I am ashamed of and will most likely take to my grave. Hence number 1 and my brain blocking it out.
Fast forward a bit. I was 1 month shy of reaching my 5 year “cut free” anniversary but then I relapsed. It was a tiny cut but a cut none the less. I was so sad because it was almost my birthday and my Liberty (my doggy) wasn’t there with me, I was in Norway at the time. Mix in some of my regular depression issues, a dash of winter depression, a pinch of an identity crisis and I was good to go!
After I did it I felt like such a schmuck. I felt like the last 5 years all went in vain. But I went back on the wagon! Sadly I fell off once more on October 17th 2012 and once more just a month ago.
A part of me feels bad and another part of me is like: “So what? I’m not in a good place right now but I can’t afford to break down or process anything right now so what does it matter if I cut? Who am I hurting with it? If it helps me to cope, fine!”. I told my therapist the exact same thing. I also told her that I am not stupid and that I know that I shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.
But right now and for the past year I have been carrying the weight of the world, along with my own pain, on my shoulders. I put my own needs and desires aside for everyone and I do it without complaining, so who am I harming by cutting?
I guess you could say that this is my way of justifying it to myself, making excuses for it. But who bloody cares? I consider myself smart enough to know when enough is enough and when that time comes, I’ll stop.
For now it does me good, it helps me “feel better” to just put some music on and cut. I don’t feel any pain when I do it, I just feel relief. Like the pain pours out of me as I watch the blood trickle down my thigh…
It may not be the best solution but for now it seems better than letting go and letting it all out. Because a storm’s a brewin….
I should add the following message in case anyone is reading this: I am in no way telling anyone to self harm. This is my blog and I use it mostly to vent. I am in no way encouraging others to self harm!!!