On the next episode of SBD….

It’s almost 3am and I’m wide awake, no shock there.

Last night I spent all evening digging through my storage space downstairs and I threw out a lot of stuff but I also came across a lot of old stuff. Some of which were my case files from the courts when I was 17 and I went through it all, especially because these were copies they had given my egg donor (for those just tuning in: that’s my “mother”) and I had honestly never laid eyes on them before. Suffice it to say: it triggered me and I got very upset. I was insanely angry and just raging.

As always, I immediately reached out to D. And he managed to calm me down a bit, after which I was finally able to stop bouncing around the house and feeling restless.

I have a lot to say about how I felt when reading all these court papers and I plan on dropping a post about it tomorrow. It might be a bit long so and filled with rants but I promise that it will be a good read, especially since I’m going to be VERY honest and very blunt.

So stay tuned and don’t change the channel!

Get over him!

My logic is at it again, it’s telling me to get over him. Let’s call him “D”. My logic is telling me to get over D because I know that nothing is gonna happen between us ever again. He stomped all over my heart last month and even though I haven’t processed any of it, I should get over him. I believe the saying goes…

“The best way to get over a man is to get under another one”

That saying always makes me chuckle, but it has a certain element of truth to it. So 2 nights ago I had a date with Kevin and last night he asked me to be his girlfriend (see previous post “L’amour”) and I said yes. I am being all pro active and jumping right in, for more than 1 reason. But one of the reasons is that I truly *am* trying to move on and get over D so we can go back to being the good friends that we have always been. Lately I don’t speak to him as much as I used to, he’s extremely busy and honestly, every time I speak to him I just wanna go back to the way things were. But my logical side knows that this is not possible, my BPD side tends to angrily stomp her feet and disagree.

I was online and I decided to google the best ways to get over someone. I came across the following 5 points:

  1. Cut off all contact
  2. No sleeping with him either
  3. Go ahead and wallow
  4. Think about what went wrong (and right)
  5. Put yourself first

Cut off all contact? I’ve considered this but I simply can’t, for many reasons. The biggest reason being the fact that we’ve been very good friends ever since I was like 16 years old. He truly is my best friend (or at least I’d like to think so), despite the fact that he has stomped all over my heart. Sorry, bitterness crept in for a second there. The second reason being that he is my lawyer and he’s handling a case for me. And last but not least, the third reason being: I simply don’t want to. Ha. Or at least my BPD side doesn’t want to. I have to find a way to deal with the hurt and the pain and somehow “get over it” so I can move on and we can go back to being regular (but good) friends. I won’t ever forget, because I never do, that’s just how I am. I am also not going to forgive him because the word “forgive” simply isn’t in my vocabulary.

No sleeping with him either? Gosh, must I really? Damn, I understand. But sometimes I still have a weak moment and I find myself messaging him “Wanna hook up?”. Fortunately for me (but my BPD side does NOT agree with this), he keeps turning me down and saying that we shouldn’t, that we should go back to being good friends instead. And you know what happens then? Despite the fact that my logical side KNOWS that he’s right, my BPD side immediately feels extremely rejected and lashes out at him. This has basically happened about once a week ever since the big break up. So yeah, maybe with time this will fade, let’s hope so, or something like that.

Go ahead and wallow! Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I wallowed alright, I wallowed good! It actually felt more like my insides were being ripped out by his bare hands, along with my heart. I let myself be completely devastated the night he broke up with me but after that I simply pushed it all away into this little “box” that I keep deep down inside of me. I had broken down completely, I even fell off the “self harm wagon” and I decided to just push all the feelings and thoughts away, stuff it into the little box inside of me and continue with my life. I had no other choice to be honest.

Think about what went wrong (and right). Oh yeah, I’ve completed this step. I spent an entire evening contemplating this very issue. It didn’t get me very far to be honest. I thought of all the good times we had, I smiled about it, took a trip down memory lane and at the end of that lane all the bad times were waiting for me. We had a nice chat and I left.

Put myself first. I seem to have arrived at the last step. I have problems putting myself first, well no, actually I don’t. I simply always choose to put others first because I am currently taking care of everyone around me (Grandmother and my Aunt) so I barely have time to myself. Like, at all. Yesterday I was faced with the consequences of this, my health is being affected by all the stress that comes with it so I have decided to not choose anyone else over myself and just do ME! So in the spirit of that I have decided to try and go into this new “adventure” with Kevin with a clear head and an open mind. I am actually going to do my best and hope that this works out with him and that it will hopefully help me get over D. The thought of Kevin being a rebound has indeed crossed my mind (as it may be crossing yours right now) but I’ve thought it over and I truly do like Kevin so I don’t see him as a rebound. I am tired of being so obsessed over D, I need to move on with my life.

So in the spirit of completing the 5th step I am going out tonight with my new boyfriend (still getting used to saying that and I am fighting the urge to put quotation marks around it) and I can only hope that this thing we have going will go well so I can finally chalk up a big “I” on my “good experiences in love” side of the board! At the risk of sounding like an optimist, that is….

L’amour

Have you ever had any good experiences in love, or were they all bad?

That’s what this guy asked me while we were talking just now. I met up with him yesterday for drinks and we really hit it off, I had a great time, we have a lot in common and we both want the same things.

Today he told me that he wants me to be his girlfriend. I know right? I said that I’d love to, but I will always have one foot in the door, ready to run at a moment’s notice.

My fears seeped through into our conversation today as I said “I hope that you are serious about this and not just yanking my chain”. Next thing you know I’m blathering on like a total idiot and I had to shut myself up. It was obvious that this took him by surprise. That’s when he asked me the question as stated above.

At first I was all “wow, what a question!?” But then I thought about it and I’ve never had anyone ask me that before and the more I thought about it the more it became very clear: “No, I have not had any good experiences with love”. Somehow saying it out loud and admitting to it made it “real” and I finally really thought about it.

I have never had a good experience with love. Just earlier this evening I was reading Levi’s letter that came today and one of the things we were discussing was the subject of love. Whether or not we had ever truly been in love. I was sitting behind my laptop and writing back to Levi, telling him that I often thought that I was truly in love with someone but now that I look back on it, I’m not so sure that I really was. I believe that I felt in love at the time but that I honestly don’t think that it was real and true love. Then again, what is love? “Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me.. No more”. Yeah, sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Moving on. How does one even know if they truly love someone or if they are truly IN love with someone? I have thought about this a lot but I still can’t seem to come up with a good answer. So exactly how is one to find love if they won’t even recognize it once they do? It’s like looking for something but you have no idea what you’re looking for. For all you know love could be staring you in the face and you wouldn’t even know it.

So here I am, wondering if whatever I have going on with this guy will lead to anything or not. Because to be honest, I had given up all hope (not that I had that much to begin with) on finding someone and the whole fantasy of the husband, big house with 30 dogs. I know right? 24 and already giving up. But that only goes to show you how little faith I have in this thing called “love”.

And then in stumbles this guy, Kevin. I am really trying not to get ahead of myself, not to scare him off with my fears and insecurities. Yuck. I can’t even admit to that out loud. I typed and deleted the word “insecurities” 5 times before I let it stay. That’s how much I don’t want to admit to having any (insecurities). If I do that then I would see myself as weak and I just can’t do that.

I told him that I would do my best not to let my issues (mostly my deathly fear of abandonment) get between us and hopefully this might work out between us. Tonight he asked me to be his girlfriend, which I found extremely cute, I accepted and now the game really begins…

Will this work out or will I end up once more with a broken heart, shattered to pieces? Is my GPS still broken or will I finally find the way to “happy”?…

L’amour is an evil mistress…

Ride of your life

Monday, February 17th 2014

10:54 am: Annoyed. Angry. Aggravated

4:24 pm: Neutral. Numb. Empty.

4:44 pm: Annoyed. Pain. Tired.

0:35 am: Annoyed. Scared. Angry. Hurt. Ashamed.

This is only a tiny look into how a day goes for me. Up and down, like a roller coaster ride. With a real roller coaster you at least have the option to get off, I don’t. It’s like I’m on a ride from hell, on an endless loop and nothing or no one can seem to stop it.

The meds help a lot, my “rides” used to be much more intense and now it’s more “even”. I still go on these lovely rides at least 20 times a day but at least it’s less intense than before.

I have to admit though, lately I have been feeling REALLY fucked up, I’m starting to wonder if the meds are wearing off. I say this because I have a strange body. My tolerance for medication is extremely high. My doctor and I are both surprised that the Cymbalta that I started taking last spring, still works. I have had the strongest benzo’s and sleeping pills that you can think of and it doesn’t even phase me. Like, at all. I will just sit there, feeling nothing work on me. I’d take a Zolpidem and I’d be wide awake, I’d take 2,3,4, once even SIX and I would still be wide awake. And that number would have sent any normal person into a coma, or maybe even worse: death.

My doctor doubled my dosage in the fall after I told him that I felt that it was wearing off.So far it has worked out good but I can’t help but wonder if it’s indeed wearing off. I say this because I feel like I am slowly slipping back into this dark place that I used to be many years ago. A place that I told myself I’d never return to. And it’s even worse now because this time I can actually see and feel it coming and I am doing everything I can to fight it.

Something happened about a month ago. Something that really hit me much harder than I expected it to. It completely threw me off and that same night I gave into my recent “urges” to cut. So I did and I still am. I even found myself ordering an actual scalpel online, the ones they use in medical procedure. Then I found myself ordering big band aid’s and pre packaged alcohol swabs. Hell, I even have latex gloves! I seem to be approaching it from a “clinical” sort of angle. But I digress…

I wonder if I will finally be able to hop off of this endless ride some day or if I am destined (read: doomed) to spend the rest of my life on this oh so “joyous” ride. They say that BPD “dwindles down” once you get older, when you’re into your 30’s. To test this theory I asked several 30+ fellow borderliners in a Facebook group that I frequent, if this was true for them. Suffice it to say that it wasn’t really true for them. So yeah, guess who’s stuck in her own little amusement park for the res of her life?

Me. It’s me.

;

Semicolon Project 218

A semicolon represents a sentence that the author could have ended, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.

The Semicolon Project started on April 16th 2013 and got shared a million times on social networking sites. People worldwide were drawing a semicolon on their wrists to show their support in the fight against suicide, self harm, depression, anxiety etc. People everywhere are trying to raise awareness about these issues by drawing semicolon’s on their wrist, posting pics of it and tagging it with #semicolonproject416.

It’s going to be “held” annually but I guess that someone out there decided to “hold” it a bit earlier this year, today, February 18th 2014. I applaud whoever decided this because to me it can (and should) be done every day of the year. So here is my contribution for today! Another one coming April 16th!

Draw, snap, post, tag and share people! #semicolonproject218

#semicolonproject218

#semicolonproject218

Trickle

TRIGGER … TRIGGER … TRIGGER

If you’re a Borderliner like myself, the odds of you having self harmed are pretty high. Let’s not pretend that you haven’t done it at least once, shall we?

I used to cut. I used to cut a lot and very deep. Even now, nearly 8 years later, you can still see and feel my scars.

In the winter of 2006 I got up one morning and told myself that I would stop cutting, that I would get out of the deep darkness that was my depression.

I (somehow) managed to do it. I became “stabley unstable”, as I like to put it. Was I “normal”? Was I “fixed”? Was I “happy”? No. But at least I was no longer cutting, smoking too much, mixing my prescription meds with alcohol or taking sleeping pills. Spoiler alert: I replaced cutting with the above, plus more, a while after I quit cutting. .

I kept this up for quite a while. I was going to school, I was working and I had my own place. Therapy, meds, all of it. I however slowly slipped back into just being “unstable”. But enough about this particular aspect of my life.

I may have stopped cutting but I was still self harming, albeit in different ways. I was all over the place. From being extremely impulsive to reckless spending, being promiscuous to being unsafe with my medication and alcohol. This was back when my meds still worked on me. To be honest with you: I can’t remember most of this period. It’s a mixture of 1) my brain blocking it out because it was somewhat traumatic and 2) I mixed a lot of my medication with alcohol. This all has created somewhat of a gaping hole in my memory. I don’t like thinking back to that time, I did many things that I am ashamed of and will most likely take to my grave. Hence number 1 and my brain blocking it out.

Fast forward a bit. I was 1 month shy of reaching my 5 year “cut free” anniversary but then I relapsed. It was a tiny cut but a cut none the less. I was so sad because it was almost my birthday and my Liberty (my doggy) wasn’t there with me, I was in Norway at the time. Mix in some of my regular depression issues, a dash of winter depression, a pinch of an identity crisis and I was good to go!

After I did it I felt like such a schmuck. I felt like the last 5 years all went in vain. But I went back on the wagon! Sadly I fell off once more on October 17th 2012 and once more just a month ago.

A part of me feels bad and another part of me is like: “So what? I’m not in a good place right now but I can’t afford to break down or process anything right now so what does it matter if I cut? Who am I hurting with it? If it helps me to cope, fine!”. I told my therapist the exact same thing. I also told her that I am not stupid and that I know that I shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

But right now and for the past year I have been carrying the weight of the world, along with my own pain, on my shoulders. I put my own needs and desires aside for everyone and I do it without complaining, so who am I harming by cutting?

I guess you could say that this is my way of justifying it to myself, making excuses for it. But who bloody cares? I consider myself smart enough to know when enough is enough and when that time comes, I’ll stop.

For now it does me good, it helps me “feel better” to just put some music on and cut. I don’t feel any pain when I do it, I just feel relief. Like the pain pours out of me as I watch the blood trickle down my thigh…

It may not be the best solution but for now it seems better than letting go and letting it all out. Because a storm’s a brewin….

I should add the following message in case anyone is reading this: I am in no way telling anyone to self harm. This is my blog and I use it mostly to vent. I am in no way encouraging others to self harm!!!

Overflow

Heart:

“You can’t change the way he feels”.

Well, I sure wish that I could. Then at least he would finally open his eyes and love me back. He will finally see all that I do for him, how I would give my right arm to see him happy. How I put my own needs aside, just to make sure that he’s happy. I need him to really SEE me, to really KNOW that I’m there and that we would be so great together. So he can see how he is my entire world…

Logic:

Stop being so obsessed about him. He loves you but he isn’t in love with you. He said so himself. Get over it! Stop being so pathetic! You’re a grown ass woman, you have to be strong! Stop caring!

Heart:

But I love him so, he is so amazing.

Logic:

Get over him! Forget all about him! He doesn’t want you!

Heart:

I know, but I don’t care. I love him.

Logic:

Stop caring.

Heart:

I can’t…

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