So here I am, behind my desk, headphones on and ready to write. But I feel like I don’t even fucking know where to start. I just know that I have SO much to say, SO much to share but I just can’t seem to get it out right. Which is weird, because I’ve never had an issue with this. Le sigh.
Let’s see, where to start? At the risk of sounding like a fucking broken record: I am deeply miserable. I mean, this is the ledge and I’ve been standing on it for a while now. Lately even more so than usual. I genuinely just want it all to stop, I just want SILENCE. I want all of the thoughts to stop, to go away, to leave me the fuck alone. If you’re reading this right now there is a very big chance that you have BPD, like me. So you’ll understand it when I say that I can literally think myself into a super fucked up shitty mood. Crazy, right?
Oh I should also apologize in advance because something tells me that I am going to be all over the place with this post, jumping from one subject to the other. Haha, it’s funny because that how it feels like inside of my head. Total fucking chaos! lol.
On Youtube right now, trying to listen to some of those “feel good” songs, sing myself into a good mood? lol. It doesn’t always work though, especially when I suddenly find myself listening to Evanescence. But I digress.
It’s now 2016 and I am still not working. Been out of a job for 2 years now. Many people don’t understand how fucked up that is for someone like me. Someone that HAS to keep busy constantly, as a distraction, otherwise the thoughts come and they always lead to over analyzing and eventually feeling like total shit. And the fucked up part of it? I’m not fucking stupid. I’m no Einstein but I am far from stupid. Despite the fact that I feel like I have lost at least half of my brain cells from being unemployed. Let’s face it, the brain is a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it. That’s genuinely how I feel right now. Lord.
The best part of being unemployed? When people tell me to “just look for a job”. Oh I’m sorry, wow, why hadn’t I thought of that yet?! Fuck, I’ve been going at this completely wrong for the last 2 years! I totally forgot that I could walk into any office, grab the boss and FORCE him (or her) to give me a job. Silly me! And here I’ve been, unemployed for so long! Gah, I swear, when people say that shit to me I genuinely want to punch them in the face.
Then again, does a day go by where I don’t want to punch anyone in the face? Especially lately. Gah. Okay, maybe I need to make a list of topics that I want to cover and then devote a post to each one. Seems more organized, yes?
Okay, stay tuned my lovelies, I shall aspire to return shortly.
Meet my new furry child, Matisse! He even has his own FB! hahaha.
He’s 12 weeks old. It took me 2 years to get a new doggy after the love of my life Liberty (Golden Retriever) got put to sleep, but I am glad that I finally did.
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health disorder that generates significant emotional instability. This can lead to a variety of other stressful mental and behavioral problems.
With borderline personality disorder, you may have a severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you may desire to have loving and lasting relationships.
If you have borderline personality disorder, don’t get discouraged. Many people with this disorder get better with treatment and can live satisfying lives.
What are the symptoms?
Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
Wide mood swings
Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
Fear of being alone
Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing
When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don’t exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white.
When to see a doctor?
If you’re aware that you have any of the signs or symptoms above, talk to your doctor or a mental health provider. Proper treatment can help you feel better about yourself and help you live a more stable, rewarding life.
If you notice signs or symptoms in a family member or friend, talk to that person about seeing a doctor or mental health provider. But you can’t force someone to seek help. If the relationship causes you significant stress, you may find it helpful to see a therapist yourself.
What can cause BPD?
As with other mental disorders, the causes of borderline personality disorder aren’t fully understood. Experts agree, though, that the disorder results from a combination of factors. Factors that seem likely to play a role include:
Genetics. Some studies of twins and families suggest that personality disorders may be inherited or strongly associated with other mental disorders among family members.
Environmental factors. Many people with borderline personality disorder have a history of childhood abuse, neglect and separation from caregivers or loved ones.
Brain abnormalities. Some research has shown changes in certain areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation, impulsivity and aggression. In addition, certain brain chemicals that help regulate mood, such as serotonin, may not function properly.
What are the risk factors?
Personality is shaped both by inherited tendencies and environmental factors, as well as experiences during childhood. Some factors related to personality development can increase the risk of developing borderline personality disorder. These include:
Hereditary predisposition. You may be at a higher risk if a close family member — your mother, father, brother or sister — has the same or a similar disorder, particularly a mood or anxiety disorder.
Childhood abuse. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused during childhood.
Neglect. Some people with the disorder describe severe deprivation, neglect and abandonment during childhood.
Also, borderline personality disorder is diagnosed more often in young adults and adult women than in men.
What are the complications?
Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of your life. It can negatively affect intimate relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image. Repeated job losses and broken marriages are common. Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, can result in scarring and frequent hospitalizations. Suicide rates among people with BPD are high.
In addition, you may have other mental health disorders, including:
Alcohol or substance abuse and dependency
Because of risky, impulsive behavior, you are also more vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights. You may also be involved in abusive relationships, either as the abuser or the abused.
If you find yourself relating (strongly) to any of the symptoms listed in this post, please go and speak to your doctor about this so you can get the proper help. Don’t leave it untreated as it can only make things worse. Don’t be ashamed or afraid to see a doctor/psychiatrist. They are there to help.
Any questions? Feel free to comment on this post or message me privately!
**This text was taken from the Mayo Clinic website. I do now own this text.
Have you ever had any good experiences in love, or were they all bad?
That’s what this guy asked me while we were talking just now. I met up with him yesterday for drinks and we really hit it off, I had a great time, we have a lot in common and we both want the same things.
Today he told me that he wants me to be his girlfriend. I know right? I said that I’d love to, but I will always have one foot in the door, ready to run at a moment’s notice.
My fears seeped through into our conversation today as I said “I hope that you are serious about this and not just yanking my chain”. Next thing you know I’m blathering on like a total idiot and I had to shut myself up. It was obvious that this took him by surprise. That’s when he asked me the question as stated above.
At first I was all “wow, what a question!?” But then I thought about it and I’ve never had anyone ask me that before and the more I thought about it the more it became very clear: “No, I have not had any good experiences with love”. Somehow saying it out loud and admitting to it made it “real” and I finally really thought about it.
I have never had a good experience with love. Just earlier this evening I was reading Levi’s letter that came today and one of the things we were discussing was the subject of love. Whether or not we had ever truly been in love. I was sitting behind my laptop and writing back to Levi, telling him that I often thought that I was truly in love with someone but now that I look back on it, I’m not so sure that I really was. I believe that I felt in love at the time but that I honestly don’t think that it was real and true love. Then again, what is love? “Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me.. No more”. Yeah, sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Moving on. How does one even know if they truly love someone or if they are truly IN love with someone? I have thought about this a lot but I still can’t seem to come up with a good answer. So exactly how is one to find love if they won’t even recognize it once they do? It’s like looking for something but you have no idea what you’re looking for. For all you know love could be staring you in the face and you wouldn’t even know it.
So here I am, wondering if whatever I have going on with this guy will lead to anything or not. Because to be honest, I had given up all hope (not that I had that much to begin with) on finding someone and the whole fantasy of the husband, big house with 30 dogs. I know right? 24 and already giving up. But that only goes to show you how little faith I have in this thing called “love”.
And then in stumbles this guy, Kevin. I am really trying not to get ahead of myself, not to scare him off with my fears and insecurities. Yuck. I can’t even admit to that out loud. I typed and deleted the word “insecurities” 5 times before I let it stay. That’s how much I don’t want to admit to having any (insecurities). If I do that then I would see myself as weak and I just can’t do that.
I told him that I would do my best not to let my issues (mostly my deathly fear of abandonment) get between us and hopefully this might work out between us. Tonight he asked me to be his girlfriend, which I found extremely cute, I accepted and now the game really begins…
Will this work out or will I end up once more with a broken heart, shattered to pieces? Is my GPS still broken or will I finally find the way to “happy”?…
L’amour is an evil mistress…