That moment when you can relate just a bit too much…

I knew that this moment would come, probably more than once too but damn, it’s still hitting a nerve.
Busy doing schoolwork and I just covered a part about the different attachment styles in babies/kids and how, if lacking a proper one, that it could basically fuck you up for the rest of your life. That shit is hitting too close to home. Fuck. I actually had to walk away from my pc for a minute, to remain calm.
This is going to happen quite often, considering that I’m studying psychology, gonna have to find a way to deal with this. Now I’m just wigging out cuz tomorrow we’re gonna be covering this in class as well. I can already see myself storming out of the classroom, very upset. Le sigh. Gonna try my best not to.
I lack a healthy attachment style. I have an attachment disorder (along side all of my other brilliant disorders) and it’s something that has made my life quite a living hell, to be honest. It’s not something that goes away overnight either. Fuck.
Here is to hoping that first hand experience is what makes super awesome psychologists?


ennui21So here I am, behind my desk, headphones on and ready to write. But I feel like I don’t even fucking know where to start. I just know that I have SO much to say, SO much to share but I just can’t seem to get it out right. Which is weird, because I’ve never had an issue with this. Le sigh.

Let’s see, where to start? At the risk of sounding like a fucking broken record: I am deeply miserable. I mean, this is the ledge and I’ve been standing on it for a while now. Lately even more so than usual. I genuinely just want it all to stop, I just want SILENCE. I want all of the thoughts to stop, to go away, to leave me the fuck alone. If you’re reading this right now there is a very big chance that you have BPD, like me. So you’ll understand it when I say that I can literally think myself into a super fucked up shitty mood. Crazy, right?

Oh I should also apologize in advance because something tells me that I am going to be all over the place with this post, jumping from one subject to the other. Haha, it’s funny because that how it feels like inside of my head. Total fucking chaos! lol.

On Youtube right now, trying to listen to some of those “feel good” songs, sing myself into a good mood? lol. It doesn’t always work though, especially when I suddenly find myself listening to Evanescence. But I digress.

It’s now 2016 and I am still not working. Been out of a job for 2 years now. Many people don’t understand how fucked up that is for someone like me. Someone that HAS to keep busy constantly, as a distraction, otherwise the thoughts come and they always lead to over analyzing and eventually feeling like total shit. And the fucked up part of it? I’m not fucking stupid. I’m no Einstein but I am far from stupid. Despite the fact that I feel like I have lost at least half of my brain cells from being unemployed. Let’s face it, the brain is a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it. That’s genuinely how I feel right now. Lord.

The best part of being unemployed? When people tell me to “just look for a job”. Oh I’m sorry, wow, why hadn’t I thought of that yet?! Fuck, I’ve been going at this completely wrong for the last 2 years! I totally forgot that I could walk into any office, grab the boss and FORCE him (or her) to give me a job. Silly me! And here I’ve been, unemployed for so long! Gah, I swear, when people say that shit to me I genuinely want to punch them in the face.

Then again, does a day go by where I don’t want to punch anyone in the face? Especially lately. Gah. Okay, maybe I need to make a list of topics that I want to cover and then devote a post to each one. Seems more organized, yes?

Okay, stay tuned my lovelies, I shall aspire to return shortly.


Ho ho ho and a bottle of beer

3 hours into Christmas earlier today and my family was already getting on my nerves.

Is it some kind of unwritten rule that family drama must ensue during holidays??!

Tomorrow my cousin is coming over to Granny’s house to cook and he’s basically invited like 20 freaking people. I have no desire whatsoever to go and be social and shit, let alone with 20+ people. Yuck. Family members no less. Christmas mostly feels like an obligation, to be honest. And this is why I informed everyone that I would not be joining the “fun”. Then my aunt decided to yell at me. She literally told me “It’s Christmas. Even if you don’t like each other, you just pretend. At least until Christmas is over”. Yeah, ah.. Nah? Nothing against my family (mostly?) but the last thing I need is to PRETEND to like each other and stand there and be asked the following questions by family members that I haven’t seen in years:

-“You looking fat oh. You pregnant?”
-“Have you gained weight?”

Or the very well known:

-“Why you spoiling yourself like that oh? Why you putting all those tattoos on your body like that oh!? You used to be such a fine girl!”

And the ones I truly hate:

-“How’s your mom?”
Me: “I wouldn’t know. Don’t care”.
-“OH, what you mean you don’t know? She your mother!!”
Me “Nah.. Not really…”
-“No, no, no Conchita, you can’t behave like that oh! Your mother is your mother”..

That is usually the point where I’d grab the nearest wine bottle and just chug the entire thing.

So yeah… My bed, a cold beer and I shall be having a lovely 2nd Christmas day tomorrow!

Not gonna be forced to play nice and act social all day 👍


Dear asshole…

There is this man that I see walking around my neighbourhood quite often, I think that he lives here. For the past 2 evenings he has been in the same bus that I always take to go home.

This man has a few (facial) tics which cause him to make these involuntary movements with his hands (and face).

Last night as I was in the bus on my way home I saw him again. A guy around my age entered the bus and sat down next to the man with the tics. As I stood across from the both of them in the bus I decided to watch the younger guy closely.

About 1 minute after he sat down next to the man with the tics he (the guy my own age) got up and stood by the door. I continued watching him because I was curious as to why he went and stood by the door. Was he getting off at the next stop or did he leave his seat because he did not want to sit down next to the man with the tics?

Lo and behold, I was right! He got up from his seat and stood by the door because he did not want to sit next to the man with the tics.

It was my stop (and coincidentally the man with the tics also got out) so I got out of the bus. I didn’t walk away but stood there instead, I watched the younger guy go BACK to his seat once the man with the tics got off of the bus.

I then knocked on the window of the bus to get the younger guy’s attention. When he looked up and I knew that he saw me I flipped him off. I gave him the big ol’ bird!

This young man did not know the older man with the tics and yet he made an assumption. He probably thought: “Oh that man must be crazy, let me stay away from him!”.

Seeing this happen pissed me off quite a bit. Why? Because the younger man acted as if the older man was contagious. As if he wasn’t normal. And that really pissed me off.

Yeah, the older man had a few tics, so what? Does that make him less worthy? Does that mean that you can not sit next to him in a bus?

Moral of this story? People are assholes. Human beings treat each other so poorly and it angers and frustrates me.

Be kind to your fellow man, it only takes a few seconds out of your day.

So here’s to the asshole that got up out of his seat: “fuck you, fuck the horse that you rode in on and fuck your stupid face!”


I’ve got a rant in me and it’s a legit one too. Let me start by saying that nothing of what I am about to say is meant in a disrespectful way to anyone (especially the William’s family) and it’s not meant to poke fun either. It’s a serious rant.

There is a stigma attached to mental health and there has been for a very long time. Suffering from a mental illness myself, this often saddens me a lot. People just don’t understand and a lot of them just don’t WANT to understand.

Robin Williams passed away (may he rest in peace) and it was made known that he committed suicide due to a severe depression. And now the internet is suddenly filled with posts and videos of people talking about depression and what have you not.

Where were all these people let’s say 5 days ago? Where were all your posts on depression and mental health then? Oh, that’s right, you were all too busy posting about “25 life hacks you absolutely need in your life”.

Now excuse me for saying this but you’re all a bunch of fucking hypocrites. You were the same people saying how depressed people should just “get over it” and “just be happy”. It is absolutely horrible what happened to Robin Williams and his death is a true loss, so I am in no way trying to disrespect him/his family. But is that what the world has come to? A renowned comedian and actor has to take his own life in order to have depression truly recognized? Someone has to die for you all to FINALLY talk about depression? Then again, this world is completely fucked up so I am not extremely surprised.

I hate to break it to you all but Robin Williams was not the only one suffering from a mental illness. I’ll bet anyone a 100 bucks that there is at least 1 person in your life suffering from a mental illness. There are thousands (probably even millions) of people worldwide suffering in silence. Hurting inside and feeling the desperation creep in.

You want to overload the internet and social media platforms with how you suddenly know all about depression? Tell you what? Go look around you and help someone out. Be there for them, offer a shoulder to cry on, truly listen to them. That would be time better spent instead of posting on social media about how you (suddenly!!) “know” so much about depression.

So go ahead, humour me, go out and help someone. I dare you….


The Borderliner

Borderline Personality Disorder | Mental Health Awareness Month

The title says it all. Every May is Mental Health Awareness Month. As someone with BPD I am going to do my best to spread awareness. We also need to get rid of the stigma that is attached to mental illnesses. We are not monsters, we are not psychopaths, we are human beings, just like everyone else.

Many people don’t take mental illness serious, why? Because they think it’s all “in our head”, that we’re making it up in an effort to get attention. You are taken less seriously than someone with say, cancer. But why? Cancer isn’t something you can SEE either. Because the fact of the matter is: unless it’s something they can SEE, they don’t take it (us) seriously. Just because it’s not a gun shot or a stab wound or a big infected boil, doesn’t mean that we don’t hurt.

“If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?”
-William Shakespeare

Yes, I totally used a Shakespeare quote to make my point. But it’s true. We aren’t any different than any other person roaming this earth. We are all human. And yet, often people with a mental illness get treated like they are less than their fellow human being. I think that this is absolutely horrible. But that’s a discussion for another time.

Mental Illness is something that should be discussed openly. It shouldn’t have such a stigma on it. If you feel that someone near you (or yourself) has a mental illness, PLEASE, I urge you to get help. Go to a doctor and get the proper help. The sooner it’s caught, the better their chances at recovery are and they no longer have to suffer. This goes for you too, if you feel that you may suffer from a mental illness.

There are lots of organizations that are there to help. The patient as well as the family of the patient. Make sure that you have the proper support system. You can’t do it alone. All it takes is one phone call to a mental health professional, do it now!

Don’t suffer any longer, get help!

-Beautiful Disaster