Anybody up there listening?

*smoke break*

Okay, so I know this book cover to cover AND I know how to APPLY all of said knowledge. I truly can’t do anything else but do the practice questions, FORCE myself to sleep tonight and go do the exam at 9am tomorrow morning.

If anyone up there is listening; I need to pass this exam oh!! I need, NEED to pass it tomorrow or I don’t get to take the next one on September 4th and I will also then crawl into my bed forever and never come out again. Seriously. At this point I NEED some GOOD news. So if there is anyone up there listening, HELP ME PASS THIS EXAM TOMORROW MORNING!!!

And no, keeping it to myself what the exam is for until tomorrow. Lol. If I come online around 10am my post is filled with curse words then you’ll know what’s up.

I am NOT an optimistic person, I do NOT hope but I sincerely wish that I pass it tomorrow morning.

Anyone on here that is a praying person, please, PRAY for me. Lol. I don’t care which God you worship, just pray for me. Okay? Okay!

Ok. That is all.

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Look at me

“Are you lacking attention?” Is what he asked. I was genuinely taken aback because of his question. I fiercely shook my head and replied “No! I am not!”.

I then came home and caught myself dwelling on his question. Am I indeed lacking attention? Do I crave it? Do I need it?

A lot of people that know at least a little about BPD will say that Borderliners all crave attention and that they seek it out in the wrong ways. As true as that may be I have always seemed to rebel against that statement/thought. I know that deep down inside I have always known that I do indeed crave attention. I have however never been able to admit it, especially out loud. Then this guy that I had just met asked me that question and it was stuck in my head all day long.

I was once again feeling extremely restless and I couldn’t sit still to save my life. I started cleaning the stove and the entire kitchen. It calms me down and it keeps my hands busy, what seems to really be bothering me these last few weeks. After I cleaned everything up I hopped into bed (middle of the afternoon, rainy outside) and I was just talking to a bunch of people on WhatsApp and it was like it finally hit me: “I do indeed need attention”. Me admitting this was (is) a very huge thing to me so it felt kind of “strange”.

It was like I was finally accepting the fact that I do indeed crave attention. I then messaged P and I literally said: “I need attention”, out of the blue. I told my best friend T about my new found clarity and it made total sense to her. We talked about it a bit more and it really helped.

I kind of feel like this is a huge accomplishment for me, which, it honestly kind of is. I’ve always (somehow) put “needing attention” on the same level as “being weak”. I’ve viewed it as being weak and that is one thing I absolutely hate, being weak. It takes a lot for me to admit to my weaknesses. That’s why in my own little world, in my head, I have no weaknesses and I am super awesome. But unfortunately I often have to pull myself back into reality.

Today I made a bit of progress. I finally admitted to something and I’ve started to accept it. There is this one guy J that keeps bugging me, wants to meet up and talk to me all the time and tonight I asked him wtf he wanted from me and I immediately started with: “I require attention, sometimes a lot”, once I said that everything else startdd pouring out as well. Mostly because I was hoping that all my issues would scare him off. But so far he’s still here, let’s see how long that lasts.

But look at me! I’m a borderliner and I need attention. I am 24 years old but often that little 6 year old girl in me shows her face. Those are the moments where it feels like I was instantly that little girl again. She was never there, my egg donor, that’s what I call her because she was never a real mother to me. On the rare occasions that she was there she would be glued to her laptop or computer and I often felt like I could have set the house on fire and that she wouldn’t notice. I was instantly sent back to feeling like that little girl. Seeing myself jumping up and down, trying to get her attention but always failing to do so.

This broke my heart over and over again because all that I wanted was her attention, presence and love. It took me over a decade, but I am a Borderliner and I need (extra) attention!!

100 Brownie points for myself for finally admitting to it!!

I feel like a tiny brick has been taken out of my huge wall and that I can breathe a little bit better. 1 issue down, 999999 more to go!

Look at me, I need attention!

I was murdered

I was murdered

I sat and stared but she never came.
I was murdered.

I clung unto her legs, feeling the tears run down my cheeks.
I was murdered.

I was promised the entire world, I got nothing.
I was murdered.

I felt her arm slip and watched her walk away.
I was murdered.

I kept on hoping and wishing, but she never stayed.
I was murdered.

-CHF

Can’t.even.

It’s almost 2am and it’s yet another sleepless night. It’s been like this for weeks now but it’s worse now that I’ve started taking Ritalin. I started 2 nights ago. I am just waiting for this to pass and that it really starts working.

Right now I just feel so WEIRD. I am exhausted, in every way possible. I seriously feel drained. I just want to throw in the towel with everything and just hide in a cave forever. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.

I can’t even write more than this right now. I just want peace and quiet…

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Hy•po•crites

I’ve got a rant in me and it’s a legit one too. Let me start by saying that nothing of what I am about to say is meant in a disrespectful way to anyone (especially the William’s family) and it’s not meant to poke fun either. It’s a serious rant.

There is a stigma attached to mental health and there has been for a very long time. Suffering from a mental illness myself, this often saddens me a lot. People just don’t understand and a lot of them just don’t WANT to understand.

Robin Williams passed away (may he rest in peace) and it was made known that he committed suicide due to a severe depression. And now the internet is suddenly filled with posts and videos of people talking about depression and what have you not.

Where were all these people let’s say 5 days ago? Where were all your posts on depression and mental health then? Oh, that’s right, you were all too busy posting about “25 life hacks you absolutely need in your life”.

Now excuse me for saying this but you’re all a bunch of fucking hypocrites. You were the same people saying how depressed people should just “get over it” and “just be happy”. It is absolutely horrible what happened to Robin Williams and his death is a true loss, so I am in no way trying to disrespect him/his family. But is that what the world has come to? A renowned comedian and actor has to take his own life in order to have depression truly recognized? Someone has to die for you all to FINALLY talk about depression? Then again, this world is completely fucked up so I am not extremely surprised.

I hate to break it to you all but Robin Williams was not the only one suffering from a mental illness. I’ll bet anyone a 100 bucks that there is at least 1 person in your life suffering from a mental illness. There are thousands (probably even millions) of people worldwide suffering in silence. Hurting inside and feeling the desperation creep in.

You want to overload the internet and social media platforms with how you suddenly know all about depression? Tell you what? Go look around you and help someone out. Be there for them, offer a shoulder to cry on, truly listen to them. That would be time better spent instead of posting on social media about how you (suddenly!!) “know” so much about depression.

So go ahead, humour me, go out and help someone. I dare you….

Xoxo

The Borderliner

Be free genie, be free…

Before I start my post let me say this:

Dear Williams family,

I am but a mere mortal that enjoyed all of Robin’s work and I have never met him but my prayers go out to your family. I can’t begin to imagine how you all must feel, find strength in each other and be strong, he will always be in your hearts….

Celebrity deaths usually don’t get to me that much but Robin Williams’ death really got to me. Especially HOW he died.

This man brought me so much joy and laughter and it hurts my heart to find out that he was hiding so much pain inside. That behind that infectious smile lied a troubled soul, a man suffering, a man in pain. And still, he made everyone laugh and smile. He woke up every day and put on a smile and made us laugh.

I personally know what a deep depression is like, I’ve struggled with it til this day, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I know what it’s like to wake up every day, put on a fake smile and pretend to be okay. He went beyond that and made the entire world laugh til our bellies ached. Despite his own pain and suffering he made it his goal to give others a good time.

You always managed to cheer me up when I needed it the most. I hope that you are finally at peace and no longer hurting. Be free genie, be free…..

Rest in Peace Mr. Williams, for you shall never be forgotten…

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