My super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post

I want to write a super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post but I just can’t. Because it’s not how I feel. And maybe it’s also because I am not aforementioned things – at all. Not because I haven’t tried – because I have.

I have tried “positive thinking”, I have tried “looking at the bright side of life”, I have tried it all. But to no avail.

I am now 28 years old and I can fairly (and very truthfully) say that I can’t remember the last time that I was happy, which makes me wonder – was I ever even happy? Even a little bit? After a lot of soul searching – oh so very much – I can honestly say that I have never been happy. I have never been a happy person either – I have never had a reason to be happy.

Have I felt moments of happiness? Or what I perceived as happiness? Sure I have. But they were just that, they were “moments”. Moments pass – they are not permanent.

My dogs make me happy – dogs in general make me happy. Petting them, looking at them, hanging out with them – it cheers me up. But when the moment passes I go back to feeling like my old regular unhappy self.

People often say “How can you say that you’re not happy?! I have seen you smile before!” Sorry to burst your bubble – but even (chronically) depressed people can smile. Just because I am incredibly miserable doesn’t mean that I can’t laugh when I hear/see something funny. It doesn’t mean that I can’t smile whenever my dogs look at me with their beautiful puppy dog eyes. It doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate a good joke.

A smile is just a smile. A smile can be faked even – and I know all about it, because I have been faking it for over 20+ years.

I have lost my train of thought – welcome to my brain – okay I really can’t remember where I was heading with this.

How do you even know if you’re really – truly and completely – happy? Or are all of you happy ass folks just faking it too?

Can you miss something that you’ve never had?

Funny how a tv show can bring out so many emotions, even though it’s all make believe. I am not the type that cries when watching a movie or a tv show. I am not the type to even get emotional because of it. But no matter how many times I’ve watched Gilmore Girls, I’ll always get all emotional and start crying my eyes out, as it triggers so many things for me.

I have never had what they had. I have never had their relationship. I didn’t get to be friends with my mother, let alone best friends. I have never had the movie nights with a shit load of junk food or the endless hours of conversation. I didn’t have the closeness that they shared. I have never had any of it.

I have never had a Logan, a Jess, or a Luke or even a Dean.  I had a bunch of emotionally unavailable-distant and unattainable men. I have never had the love that most people get to experience. Shit, I’ve never had any love for that matter. I’m 27 years old now and I am fairly certain that I don’t even know what love really is.

Watching GG as a kid and re-watching it as an adult were 2 very different experiences  for me. Watching the GG revival has brought up so many emotions, so many thoughts and feelings. Seeing how close they are, seeing how they make up even after the biggest fight, seeing how much they care about each other. As I sit here, at my desk with my boy Matisse asleep between my legs, I can’t help but wonder: what would my life have been like if I did indeed have a  GG-esque relationship with her? Would I not be the person that I am today? The scarred individual that sits here, typing this. The basket case.

Would I be married and with kids by now? Would I be in a healthy relationship and living a very happy life? Would I be living a dream life? All of this goes through my mind, keeps me wondering.

I’ll never have a Luke, because I have never had a Lorelai….

Oh look, I’ve ventured into Social Media. Yikes!


Journey Through BPD now has a FB page AND a Twitter account. Kudos for me. lol.

Go ahead and look, it’s still a bit empty but I am working on it! And in the mean time, like, comment, share!!


I’ve got a rant in me and it’s a legit one too. Let me start by saying that nothing of what I am about to say is meant in a disrespectful way to anyone (especially the William’s family) and it’s not meant to poke fun either. It’s a serious rant.

There is a stigma attached to mental health and there has been for a very long time. Suffering from a mental illness myself, this often saddens me a lot. People just don’t understand and a lot of them just don’t WANT to understand.

Robin Williams passed away (may he rest in peace) and it was made known that he committed suicide due to a severe depression. And now the internet is suddenly filled with posts and videos of people talking about depression and what have you not.

Where were all these people let’s say 5 days ago? Where were all your posts on depression and mental health then? Oh, that’s right, you were all too busy posting about “25 life hacks you absolutely need in your life”.

Now excuse me for saying this but you’re all a bunch of fucking hypocrites. You were the same people saying how depressed people should just “get over it” and “just be happy”. It is absolutely horrible what happened to Robin Williams and his death is a true loss, so I am in no way trying to disrespect him/his family. But is that what the world has come to? A renowned comedian and actor has to take his own life in order to have depression truly recognized? Someone has to die for you all to FINALLY talk about depression? Then again, this world is completely fucked up so I am not extremely surprised.

I hate to break it to you all but Robin Williams was not the only one suffering from a mental illness. I’ll bet anyone a 100 bucks that there is at least 1 person in your life suffering from a mental illness. There are thousands (probably even millions) of people worldwide suffering in silence. Hurting inside and feeling the desperation creep in.

You want to overload the internet and social media platforms with how you suddenly know all about depression? Tell you what? Go look around you and help someone out. Be there for them, offer a shoulder to cry on, truly listen to them. That would be time better spent instead of posting on social media about how you (suddenly!!) “know” so much about depression.

So go ahead, humour me, go out and help someone. I dare you….


The Borderliner