I want to write a super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post but I just can’t. Because it’s not how I feel. And maybe it’s also because I am not aforementioned things – at all. Not because I haven’t tried – because I have.
I have tried “positive thinking”, I have tried “looking at the bright side of life”, I have tried it all. But to no avail.
I am now 28 years old and I can fairly (and very truthfully) say that I can’t remember the last time that I was happy, which makes me wonder – was I ever even happy? Even a little bit? After a lot of soul searching – oh so very much – I can honestly say that I have never been happy. I have never been a happy person either – I have never had a reason to be happy.
Have I felt moments of happiness? Or what I perceived as happiness? Sure I have. But they were just that, they were “moments”. Moments pass – they are not permanent.
My dogs make me happy – dogs in general make me happy. Petting them, looking at them, hanging out with them – it cheers me up. But when the moment passes I go back to feeling like my old regular unhappy self.
People often say “How can you say that you’re not happy?! I have seen you smile before!” Sorry to burst your bubble – but even (chronically) depressed people can smile. Just because I am incredibly miserable doesn’t mean that I can’t laugh when I hear/see something funny. It doesn’t mean that I can’t smile whenever my dogs look at me with their beautiful puppy dog eyes. It doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate a good joke.
A smile is just a smile. A smile can be faked even – and I know all about it, because I have been faking it for over 20+ years.
I have lost my train of thought – welcome to my brain – okay I really can’t remember where I was heading with this.
How do you even know if you’re really – truly and completely – happy? Or are all of you happy ass folks just faking it too?
Funny how a tv show can bring out so many emotions, even though it’s all make believe. I am not the type that cries when watching a movie or a tv show. I am not the type to even get emotional because of it. But no matter how many times I’ve watched Gilmore Girls, I’ll always get all emotional and start crying my eyes out, as it triggers so many things for me.
I have never had what they had. I have never had their relationship. I didn’t get to be friends with my mother, let alone best friends. I have never had the movie nights with a shit load of junk food or the endless hours of conversation. I didn’t have the closeness that they shared. I have never had any of it.
I have never had a Logan, a Jess, or a Luke or even a Dean. I had a bunch of emotionally unavailable-distant and unattainable men. I have never had the love that most people get to experience. Shit, I’ve never had any love for that matter. I’m 27 years old now and I am fairly certain that I don’t even know what love really is.
Watching GG as a kid and re-watching it as an adult were 2 very different experiences for me. Watching the GG revival has brought up so many emotions, so many thoughts and feelings. Seeing how close they are, seeing how they make up even after the biggest fight, seeing how much they care about each other. As I sit here, at my desk with my boy Matisse asleep between my legs, I can’t help but wonder: what would my life have been like if I did indeed have a GG-esque relationship with her? Would I not be the person that I am today? The scarred individual that sits here, typing this. The basket case.
Would I be married and with kids by now? Would I be in a healthy relationship and living a very happy life? Would I be living a dream life? All of this goes through my mind, keeps me wondering.
I’ll never have a Luke, because I have never had a Lorelai….
I know that I joke around a lot but all jokes aside for one second. Let me have a moment of your time.
I don’t like the way that things are. I do not like the way that people act. I am fully aware of the fact that I am merely 1 person and that I can’t change much (or anything?) so no need to point that out. But I’m having a wee bit of a soapbox moment so hear me out.
The world is a horrible place and it is all getting worse by the day. People ask me why I stay in my “no news” bubble and it’s because I don’t want to know what is going on out there. But unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I still pick up bits of news from all around me. I can read a newspaper headline and I am instantly bummed out. I’m so freaking sensitive to my surroundings (yaay for BPD) that it really gets me upset and in a frenzy, so I do my best to avoid it all.
This world is going down the crapper, extremely fast too. The earth is being destroyed. People are dropping dead left and right. Human beings killing their fellow man. I could go on and on, that’s how long the list is.
Today I watched my aunt break into tears because she is so worried about her son in Liberia and the fact that Ebola is spreading like wildfire. While she bugs the living daylight out of me, it did something to me, to see her crying like that. Look at everything that is going on in the world, it honestly makes me wonder sometimes if the world truly may be coming to an end.
It frustrates me so much that I can’t just snap my fingers and make everything go away. Who am I but just one person in a world with billions?
I just want to hide in a cave and never come out. I just don’t want to deal with people, they aggravate me a lot. I don’t want to deal with the world. I don’t want to see all the pain and sorrow. I have enough of my own.