My super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post

I want to write a super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post but I just can’t. Because it’s not how I feel. And maybe it’s also because I am not aforementioned things – at all. Not because I haven’t tried – because I have.

I have tried “positive thinking”, I have tried “looking at the bright side of life”, I have tried it all. But to no avail.

I am now 28 years old and I can fairly (and very truthfully) say that I can’t remember the last time that I was happy, which makes me wonder – was I ever even happy? Even a little bit? After a lot of soul searching – oh so very much – I can honestly say that I have never been happy. I have never been a happy person either – I have never had a reason to be happy.

Have I felt moments of happiness? Or what I perceived as happiness? Sure I have. But they were just that, they were “moments”. Moments pass – they are not permanent.

My dogs make me happy – dogs in general make me happy. Petting them, looking at them, hanging out with them – it cheers me up. But when the moment passes I go back to feeling like my old regular unhappy self.

People often say “How can you say that you’re not happy?! I have seen you smile before!” Sorry to burst your bubble – but even (chronically) depressed people can smile. Just because I am incredibly miserable doesn’t mean that I can’t laugh when I hear/see something funny. It doesn’t mean that I can’t smile whenever my dogs look at me with their beautiful puppy dog eyes. It doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate a good joke.

A smile is just a smile. A smile can be faked even – and I know all about it, because I have been faking it for over 20+ years.

I have lost my train of thought – welcome to my brain – okay I really can’t remember where I was heading with this.

How do you even know if you’re really – truly and completely – happy? Or are all of you happy ass folks just faking it too?

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Get over him!

My logic is at it again, it’s telling me to get over him. Let’s call him “D”. My logic is telling me to get over D because I know that nothing is gonna happen between us ever again. He stomped all over my heart last month and even though I haven’t processed any of it, I should get over him. I believe the saying goes…

“The best way to get over a man is to get under another one”

That saying always makes me chuckle, but it has a certain element of truth to it. So 2 nights ago I had a date with Kevin and last night he asked me to be his girlfriend (see previous post “L’amour”) and I said yes. I am being all pro active and jumping right in, for more than 1 reason. But one of the reasons is that I truly *am* trying to move on and get over D so we can go back to being the good friends that we have always been. Lately I don’t speak to him as much as I used to, he’s extremely busy and honestly, every time I speak to him I just wanna go back to the way things were. But my logical side knows that this is not possible, my BPD side tends to angrily stomp her feet and disagree.

I was online and I decided to google the best ways to get over someone. I came across the following 5 points:

  1. Cut off all contact
  2. No sleeping with him either
  3. Go ahead and wallow
  4. Think about what went wrong (and right)
  5. Put yourself first

Cut off all contact? I’ve considered this but I simply can’t, for many reasons. The biggest reason being the fact that we’ve been very good friends ever since I was like 16 years old. He truly is my best friend (or at least I’d like to think so), despite the fact that he has stomped all over my heart. Sorry, bitterness crept in for a second there. The second reason being that he is my lawyer and he’s handling a case for me. And last but not least, the third reason being: I simply don’t want to. Ha. Or at least my BPD side doesn’t want to. I have to find a way to deal with the hurt and the pain and somehow “get over it” so I can move on and we can go back to being regular (but good) friends. I won’t ever forget, because I never do, that’s just how I am. I am also not going to forgive him because the word “forgive” simply isn’t in my vocabulary.

No sleeping with him either? Gosh, must I really? Damn, I understand. But sometimes I still have a weak moment and I find myself messaging him “Wanna hook up?”. Fortunately for me (but my BPD side does NOT agree with this), he keeps turning me down and saying that we shouldn’t, that we should go back to being good friends instead. And you know what happens then? Despite the fact that my logical side KNOWS that he’s right, my BPD side immediately feels extremely rejected and lashes out at him. This has basically happened about once a week ever since the big break up. So yeah, maybe with time this will fade, let’s hope so, or something like that.

Go ahead and wallow! Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I wallowed alright, I wallowed good! It actually felt more like my insides were being ripped out by his bare hands, along with my heart. I let myself be completely devastated the night he broke up with me but after that I simply pushed it all away into this little “box” that I keep deep down inside of me. I had broken down completely, I even fell off the “self harm wagon” and I decided to just push all the feelings and thoughts away, stuff it into the little box inside of me and continue with my life. I had no other choice to be honest.

Think about what went wrong (and right). Oh yeah, I’ve completed this step. I spent an entire evening contemplating this very issue. It didn’t get me very far to be honest. I thought of all the good times we had, I smiled about it, took a trip down memory lane and at the end of that lane all the bad times were waiting for me. We had a nice chat and I left.

Put myself first. I seem to have arrived at the last step. I have problems putting myself first, well no, actually I don’t. I simply always choose to put others first because I am currently taking care of everyone around me (Grandmother and my Aunt) so I barely have time to myself. Like, at all. Yesterday I was faced with the consequences of this, my health is being affected by all the stress that comes with it so I have decided to not choose anyone else over myself and just do ME! So in the spirit of that I have decided to try and go into this new “adventure” with Kevin with a clear head and an open mind. I am actually going to do my best and hope that this works out with him and that it will hopefully help me get over D. The thought of Kevin being a rebound has indeed crossed my mind (as it may be crossing yours right now) but I’ve thought it over and I truly do like Kevin so I don’t see him as a rebound. I am tired of being so obsessed over D, I need to move on with my life.

So in the spirit of completing the 5th step I am going out tonight with my new boyfriend (still getting used to saying that and I am fighting the urge to put quotation marks around it) and I can only hope that this thing we have going will go well so I can finally chalk up a big “I” on my “good experiences in love” side of the board! At the risk of sounding like an optimist, that is….

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Heart:

“You can’t change the way he feels”.

Well, I sure wish that I could. Then at least he would finally open his eyes and love me back. He will finally see all that I do for him, how I would give my right arm to see him happy. How I put my own needs aside, just to make sure that he’s happy. I need him to really SEE me, to really KNOW that I’m there and that we would be so great together. So he can see how he is my entire world…

Logic:

Stop being so obsessed about him. He loves you but he isn’t in love with you. He said so himself. Get over it! Stop being so pathetic! You’re a grown ass woman, you have to be strong! Stop caring!

Heart:

But I love him so, he is so amazing.

Logic:

Get over him! Forget all about him! He doesn’t want you!

Heart:

I know, but I don’t care. I love him.

Logic:

Stop caring.

Heart:

I can’t…

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