Can you miss something that you’ve never had?

Funny how a tv show can bring out so many emotions, even though it’s all make believe. I am not the type that cries when watching a movie or a tv show. I am not the type to even get emotional because of it. But no matter how many times I’ve watched Gilmore Girls, I’ll always get all emotional and start crying my eyes out, as it triggers so many things for me.

I have never had what they had. I have never had their relationship. I didn’t get to be friends with my mother, let alone best friends. I have never had the movie nights with a shit load of junk food or the endless hours of conversation. I didn’t have the closeness that they shared. I have never had any of it.

I have never had a Logan, a Jess, or a Luke or even a Dean.  I had a bunch of emotionally unavailable-distant and unattainable men. I have never had the love that most people get to experience. Shit, I’ve never had any love for that matter. I’m 27 years old now and I am fairly certain that I don’t even know what love really is.

Watching GG as a kid and re-watching it as an adult were 2 very different experiences  for me. Watching the GG revival has brought up so many emotions, so many thoughts and feelings. Seeing how close they are, seeing how they make up even after the biggest fight, seeing how much they care about each other. As I sit here, at my desk with my boy Matisse asleep between my legs, I can’t help but wonder: what would my life have been like if I did indeed have a  GG-esque relationship with her? Would I not be the person that I am today? The scarred individual that sits here, typing this. The basket case.

Would I be married and with kids by now? Would I be in a healthy relationship and living a very happy life? Would I be living a dream life? All of this goes through my mind, keeps me wondering.

I’ll never have a Luke, because I have never had a Lorelai….

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Ho ho ho and a bottle of beer

3 hours into Christmas earlier today and my family was already getting on my nerves.

Is it some kind of unwritten rule that family drama must ensue during holidays??!

Tomorrow my cousin is coming over to Granny’s house to cook and he’s basically invited like 20 freaking people. I have no desire whatsoever to go and be social and shit, let alone with 20+ people. Yuck. Family members no less. Christmas mostly feels like an obligation, to be honest. And this is why I informed everyone that I would not be joining the “fun”. Then my aunt decided to yell at me. She literally told me “It’s Christmas. Even if you don’t like each other, you just pretend. At least until Christmas is over”. Yeah, ah.. Nah? Nothing against my family (mostly?) but the last thing I need is to PRETEND to like each other and stand there and be asked the following questions by family members that I haven’t seen in years:

-“You looking fat oh. You pregnant?”
-“Have you gained weight?”

Or the very well known:

-“Why you spoiling yourself like that oh? Why you putting all those tattoos on your body like that oh!? You used to be such a fine girl!”

And the ones I truly hate:

-“How’s your mom?”
Me: “I wouldn’t know. Don’t care”.
-“OH, what you mean you don’t know? She your mother!!”
Me “Nah.. Not really…”
-“No, no, no Conchita, you can’t behave like that oh! Your mother is your mother”..

That is usually the point where I’d grab the nearest wine bottle and just chug the entire thing.

So yeah… My bed, a cold beer and I shall be having a lovely 2nd Christmas day tomorrow!

Not gonna be forced to play nice and act social all day 👍

#GrinchMode

Ho ho ho..

It’s December. This means that I am constantly being bombarded by Christmas and all that comes with it.

This annoys me, it annoys me a lot. In fact, it aggravates me quite a bit. Everywhere I go I am confronted with jolly people and Christmas decorations everywhere. And I hate it. I absolutely hate it. All it does is remind me of what I don’t have and of how utterly miserable I am.

I am trying, I am genuinely trying to muster up even the slightest interest for the holidays, but I can’t. It’s like my brain just can’t do it. I go through this every year, over and over again, but I never succeed.

A big part of me truly can’t be bothered with the whole Christmas thing, even if I wasn’t broke as fuck, I feel like I can’t be fucked to go through all of the trouble. Decorate the house, put up a tree, make Christmas dinner, spend all day cooking and cleaning, and for what? So I can take it all down come January 6th? Yeah, I’m good.

And at the same time there is another part of me that really wants that awesome Christmas that you see in the movies and on television. That’s when your brain reminds you that this is life and not a movie.

So excuse me while me and my extremely fantastic mood scurry on along and hide under the blankets until spring.

Holla at me when the flowers are in bloom again…