My super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post

I want to write a super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post but I just can’t. Because it’s not how I feel. And maybe it’s also because I am not aforementioned things – at all. Not because I haven’t tried – because I have.

I have tried “positive thinking”, I have tried “looking at the bright side of life”, I have tried it all. But to no avail.

I am now 28 years old and I can fairly (and very truthfully) say that I can’t remember the last time that I was happy, which makes me wonder – was I ever even happy? Even a little bit? After a lot of soul searching – oh so very much – I can honestly say that I have never been happy. I have never been a happy person either – I have never had a reason to be happy.

Have I felt moments of happiness? Or what I perceived as happiness? Sure I have. But they were just that, they were “moments”. Moments pass – they are not permanent.

My dogs make me happy – dogs in general make me happy. Petting them, looking at them, hanging out with them – it cheers me up. But when the moment passes I go back to feeling like my old regular unhappy self.

People often say “How can you say that you’re not happy?! I have seen you smile before!” Sorry to burst your bubble – but even (chronically) depressed people can smile. Just because I am incredibly miserable doesn’t mean that I can’t laugh when I hear/see something funny. It doesn’t mean that I can’t smile whenever my dogs look at me with their beautiful puppy dog eyes. It doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate a good joke.

A smile is just a smile. A smile can be faked even – and I know all about it, because I have been faking it for over 20+ years.

I have lost my train of thought – welcome to my brain – okay I really can’t remember where I was heading with this.

How do you even know if you’re really – truly and completely – happy? Or are all of you happy ass folks just faking it too?

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Porky Pig

Gah. I am such an emotional wreck lately. Eating to fill that void that will never truly be filled. Sometimes I honestly just think to myself: “Screw this, I should just let myself go completely and eat whatever the hell I want. At least then I’ll be jolly!”. Gah.

Then of course 15 minutes later you’re surfing the net when you see a gorgeous girl with a gorgeos guy and you’re all: “Oh no. Gah. I should just stop eating entirely, then I’ll be pretty like her and I’ll have a handsome boyfriend like hers”.

Seriously?! I have never had these feelings before in my entire life and now I am 1 week shy of 25 and suddenly it’s all I can think about. Gah.

Then of course everyone you know gives you the standard peptalk and you’re just like: “Gah, I KNOW all of this stuff already. I have tried it all before!”. The peptalk usually goes something like this: “Exercise! Go to the gym! Eat better! Work out!”. And you just stand there like: “Really? You don’t think that I haven’t thought of all those things? REALLY?!”.

Okay, euhm, I don’t know what is going on with me lately. It’s like I’m extra bitchy-moody-opinionated-emotional. Let’s blame it on my Quarter Life Crisis.

Ermahgerd, 25!!!!