Tag Archives: fat

Big news

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I haven’t told anyone about this but in November I went to visit the obesity clinic. My doctor sent me there.

Now 8 weeks and many tests later, I have my results back.

I’ve been pre approved for surgery. It will be one of the 3 options stated in this photo.

I have to get my eating disorder a bit more under control and then hopefully the process begins.

If you want to judge me, that’s your business. Just keep it to yourself and keep on scrolling.

You don’t know my story or my struggle. You don’t know what I have and haven’t tried re: weight loss.

And despite what I post on my IG and FB, I don’t only eat junk food🙄🤣

I just don’t post the healthy food as much. It’s less fun to drool over🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

Soon I should start seeing a therapist for my eating disorder. And yes, fat people can have eating disorders. It’s not just for skinny people.

Anyways. That’s it. 🙂 now I’ve told y’all. breathes

My super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post

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I want to write a super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post but I just can’t. Because it’s not how I feel. And maybe it’s also because I am not aforementioned things – at all. Not because I haven’t tried – because I have.

I have tried “positive thinking”, I have tried “looking at the bright side of life”, I have tried it all. But to no avail.

I am now 28 years old and I can fairly (and very truthfully) say that I can’t remember the last time that I was happy, which makes me wonder – was I ever even happy? Even a little bit? After a lot of soul searching – oh so very much – I can honestly say that I have never been happy. I have never been a happy person either – I have never had a reason to be happy.

Have I felt moments of happiness? Or what I perceived as happiness? Sure I have. But they were just that, they were “moments”. Moments pass – they are not permanent.

My dogs make me happy – dogs in general make me happy. Petting them, looking at them, hanging out with them – it cheers me up. But when the moment passes I go back to feeling like my old regular unhappy self.

People often say “How can you say that you’re not happy?! I have seen you smile before!” Sorry to burst your bubble – but even (chronically) depressed people can smile. Just because I am incredibly miserable doesn’t mean that I can’t laugh when I hear/see something funny. It doesn’t mean that I can’t smile whenever my dogs look at me with their beautiful puppy dog eyes. It doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate a good joke.

A smile is just a smile. A smile can be faked even – and I know all about it, because I have been faking it for over 20+ years.

I have lost my train of thought – welcome to my brain – okay I really can’t remember where I was heading with this.

How do you even know if you’re really – truly and completely – happy? Or are all of you happy ass folks just faking it too?

Porky Pig

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Gah. I am such an emotional wreck lately. Eating to fill that void that will never truly be filled. Sometimes I honestly just think to myself: “Screw this, I should just let myself go completely and eat whatever the hell I want. At least then I’ll be jolly!”. Gah.

Then of course 15 minutes later you’re surfing the net when you see a gorgeous girl with a gorgeos guy and you’re all: “Oh no. Gah. I should just stop eating entirely, then I’ll be pretty like her and I’ll have a handsome boyfriend like hers”.

Seriously?! I have never had these feelings before in my entire life and now I am 1 week shy of 25 and suddenly it’s all I can think about. Gah.

Then of course everyone you know gives you the standard peptalk and you’re just like: “Gah, I KNOW all of this stuff already. I have tried it all before!”. The peptalk usually goes something like this: “Exercise! Go to the gym! Eat better! Work out!”. And you just stand there like: “Really? You don’t think that I haven’t thought of all those things? REALLY?!”.

Okay, euhm, I don’t know what is going on with me lately. It’s like I’m extra bitchy-moody-opinionated-emotional. Let’s blame it on my Quarter Life Crisis.

Ermahgerd, 25!!!!