So here I am, behind my desk, headphones on and ready to write. But I feel like I don’t even fucking know where to start. I just know that I have SO much to say, SO much to share but I just can’t seem to get it out right. Which is weird, because I’ve never had an issue with this. Le sigh.
Let’s see, where to start? At the risk of sounding like a fucking broken record: I am deeply miserable. I mean, this is the ledge and I’ve been standing on it for a while now. Lately even more so than usual. I genuinely just want it all to stop, I just want SILENCE. I want all of the thoughts to stop, to go away, to leave me the fuck alone. If you’re reading this right now there is a very big chance that you have BPD, like me. So you’ll understand it when I say that I can literally think myself into a super fucked up shitty mood. Crazy, right?
Oh I should also apologize in advance because something tells me that I am going to be all over the place with this post, jumping from one subject to the other. Haha, it’s funny because that how it feels like inside of my head. Total fucking chaos! lol.
On Youtube right now, trying to listen to some of those “feel good” songs, sing myself into a good mood? lol. It doesn’t always work though, especially when I suddenly find myself listening to Evanescence. But I digress.
It’s now 2016 and I am still not working. Been out of a job for 2 years now. Many people don’t understand how fucked up that is for someone like me. Someone that HAS to keep busy constantly, as a distraction, otherwise the thoughts come and they always lead to over analyzing and eventually feeling like total shit. And the fucked up part of it? I’m not fucking stupid. I’m no Einstein but I am far from stupid. Despite the fact that I feel like I have lost at least half of my brain cells from being unemployed. Let’s face it, the brain is a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it. That’s genuinely how I feel right now. Lord.
The best part of being unemployed? When people tell me to “just look for a job”. Oh I’m sorry, wow, why hadn’t I thought of that yet?! Fuck, I’ve been going at this completely wrong for the last 2 years! I totally forgot that I could walk into any office, grab the boss and FORCE him (or her) to give me a job. Silly me! And here I’ve been, unemployed for so long! Gah, I swear, when people say that shit to me I genuinely want to punch them in the face.
Then again, does a day go by where I don’t want to punch anyone in the face? Especially lately. Gah. Okay, maybe I need to make a list of topics that I want to cover and then devote a post to each one. Seems more organized, yes?
Okay, stay tuned my lovelies, I shall aspire to return shortly.
Meet my new furry child, Matisse! He even has his own FB! hahaha.
He’s 12 weeks old. It took me 2 years to get a new doggy after the love of my life Liberty (Golden Retriever) got put to sleep, but I am glad that I finally did.
Gah. I am such an emotional wreck lately. Eating to fill that void that will never truly be filled. Sometimes I honestly just think to myself: “Screw this, I should just let myself go completely and eat whatever the hell I want. At least then I’ll be jolly!”. Gah.
Then of course 15 minutes later you’re surfing the net when you see a gorgeous girl with a gorgeos guy and you’re all: “Oh no. Gah. I should just stop eating entirely, then I’ll be pretty like her and I’ll have a handsome boyfriend like hers”.
Seriously?! I have never had these feelings before in my entire life and now I am 1 week shy of 25 and suddenly it’s all I can think about. Gah.
Then of course everyone you know gives you the standard peptalk and you’re just like: “Gah, I KNOW all of this stuff already. I have tried it all before!”. The peptalk usually goes something like this: “Exercise! Go to the gym! Eat better! Work out!”. And you just stand there like: “Really? You don’t think that I haven’t thought of all those things? REALLY?!”.
Okay, euhm, I don’t know what is going on with me lately. It’s like I’m extra bitchy-moody-opinionated-emotional. Let’s blame it on my Quarter Life Crisis.