So here I am, behind my desk, headphones on and ready to write. But I feel like I don’t even fucking know where to start. I just know that I have SO much to say, SO much to share but I just can’t seem to get it out right. Which is weird, because I’ve never had an issue with this. Le sigh.
Let’s see, where to start? At the risk of sounding like a fucking broken record: I am deeply miserable. I mean, this is the ledge and I’ve been standing on it for a while now. Lately even more so than usual. I genuinely just want it all to stop, I just want SILENCE. I want all of the thoughts to stop, to go away, to leave me the fuck alone. If you’re reading this right now there is a very big chance that you have BPD, like me. So you’ll understand it when I say that I can literally think myself into a super fucked up shitty mood. Crazy, right?
Oh I should also apologize in advance because something tells me that I am going to be all over the place with this post, jumping from one subject to the other. Haha, it’s funny because that how it feels like inside of my head. Total fucking chaos! lol.
On Youtube right now, trying to listen to some of those “feel good” songs, sing myself into a good mood? lol. It doesn’t always work though, especially when I suddenly find myself listening to Evanescence. But I digress.
It’s now 2016 and I am still not working. Been out of a job for 2 years now. Many people don’t understand how fucked up that is for someone like me. Someone that HAS to keep busy constantly, as a distraction, otherwise the thoughts come and they always lead to over analyzing and eventually feeling like total shit. And the fucked up part of it? I’m not fucking stupid. I’m no Einstein but I am far from stupid. Despite the fact that I feel like I have lost at least half of my brain cells from being unemployed. Let’s face it, the brain is a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it. That’s genuinely how I feel right now. Lord.
The best part of being unemployed? When people tell me to “just look for a job”. Oh I’m sorry, wow, why hadn’t I thought of that yet?! Fuck, I’ve been going at this completely wrong for the last 2 years! I totally forgot that I could walk into any office, grab the boss and FORCE him (or her) to give me a job. Silly me! And here I’ve been, unemployed for so long! Gah, I swear, when people say that shit to me I genuinely want to punch them in the face.
Then again, does a day go by where I don’t want to punch anyone in the face? Especially lately. Gah. Okay, maybe I need to make a list of topics that I want to cover and then devote a post to each one. Seems more organized, yes?
Okay, stay tuned my lovelies, I shall aspire to return shortly.
Meet my new furry child, Matisse! He even has his own FB! hahaha.
He’s 12 weeks old. It took me 2 years to get a new doggy after the love of my life Liberty (Golden Retriever) got put to sleep, but I am glad that I finally did.
The following will appear on your newsfeed today:
1. Baby, I love you so much, you’re my life!!! Kiss kiss, hug hug, penis tug #itsaforeverthing #reallove
2. Valentine’s Day is all a bunch of crap! It’s a commercial holiday made up by the greeting card industry! You should show your love 365 days a year, not just 1 day out of the year! It’s all a bunch of crap! #fuckValentine
3. I hate Valentine’s Day, my heart will forever be broken, woe is me. Fuck Valentine, fuck the entire world, fuck all happy couples and fuck you! #soalone #fml
4. My random posts about Valentine’s Day and whatever else comes to mind.#cuzimawesomelikethat
Those posting #1 are most likely chicks that’s are sharing their love for their boyfriends ALL over Facebook and they most likely do this at least 4 times a week. And it’s always REAL LOVE (despite the fact that 3 days later they will be posting about how much of an “asshole” he is).
Which brings me to the ones that post #2. These are the ones that go on and on about how “bad” and “commercial” Valentine’s Day is but in the mean time they are alone for Valentine’s Day, wishing that they had a date. But they will never admit to this, trust me that they won’t. Instead they act like they don’t care at all and they put up a front. #idontcareimbadass
Ah yes, #3! These are the ones that truly hate Valentine’s Day and are as single as you can possibly imagine. They don’t even have a Booty Call lined up. They will most likely be cranky as fuck all day long and hate on every and anyone that receives any present for Valentine. They will probably cry themselves to sleep tonight while listening to Bryan Adams sing ooey goooey love songs. Oh and if they’re female they will grab anything fatty in sight and eat it all up. And let’s face it: they’ll most likely be female.
Last but not least, you have #4, me! I will probably experience at least 6 different types of emotions before noon and I will most likely share pictures or videos that relate to how I feel or post status updates that might not make sense to the most of you and make you go: “What the fuck is wrong with this girl?!”… Then again, if you’re on my Facebook you probably have that “WTF?!” moment on a daily basis!
Happy Valentine’s Day!