The unattainable..

I will never have that one special moment. That special moment where I walk into a big field, covered with candles and rose petals everywhere. Tchakovsky being performed by a string quartet in the background.

And there in the middle of it all, he stands tall in a beautiful tuxedo, a single red rose in his hands. Completely flabbergasted I will walk toward him, only to see him slowly going down on one knee.

Once I’m right in front of him he takes my hand in his, looks me deep in the eyes and says: “My love, I love you with my entire heart, you make me a better person, you complete me. You would make me the happiest man on earth if you would be my wife. Will you marry me?”. Utterly surprised and with tears welling up in my eyes, I softly whisper “Yes…, of course I will marry you!”.

He slides the ring onto my finger, stands up, takes me in his arms, holds me close and kisses me passionately. All the while lifting me up and twirling me around. And for those few seconds it’s like we’re the only two people in the world.

At that very moment I hear soft clapping, getting louder and louder. As he puts me down I wipe my tears and look around, only to find the smiling faces of all my friends and family. And with that, the most perfect night becomes even more perfect…

And this is the day that I will never have, I’m destined to be alone forever…

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Push

Lately I have really had to push all my feelings away. Bottle it up. Something bad happens? Just push it all away, bottle it up and don’t think about it. Why? Because I have to function properly and in order to do that I can’t be breaking down every 2 minutes.

So I push and push it away. I don’t deal with the situation, I don’t process whatever happened to me, I just push it all away. And a few weeks later it all comes out. A total explosion. All the emotions that I pushed away come back out. Like an emotion explosion. I completely break down. I rage, I cry, I have a massive panic attack, I feel like I am going to die. And then I wipe my tears and pick myself up. I calm down and put on my mask. I then face the world and pretend like everything is okay.

And then the cycle starts all over again….

Changes

Every few weeks it hits me that I am getting older and then I completely freak out and over analyze EVERYTHING (in my life). I’m also somehow changing/evolving, so I’ve noticed. And it’s kinda freaking me out a bit? Lol. Mostly because I don’t know what to make of it/do about it.

I find myself wanting and yearning for certain things. Different things. Things that I never thought I would want or even need. And again, I don’t know what to do with these feelings. They seem to be consuming me at times and that in turn confuses me even more.

I feel like I need to be working on these things now, in order to have it X amount of years from now. Having a great relationship, being married and everything else that I seem to be wanting now, doesn’t happen over night. So I suddenly feel “rushed” somehow. And mind you, I’m “only” almost 24. As many people around me keep saying “you have plenty of time”. But it doesn’t feel that way for me. It feels like I’m running out of time already. Because to achieve all these things, it takes TIME. If only it did indeed happen overnight.

So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m freaking out over the fact that I am getting older and seem to be changing, wanting different things. Even though I realize that this is considered to be pretty normal…

And yet here I am, over analyzing and freaking out…