There is a group home for ex addicts with psychiatric issues near my house. I was walking past it when a man walked up to me and he was talking to himself about all kinds of conspiracies. It was painfully obvious that he was a paranoid schizophrenic. I listened to him ramble on for a second when this woman walked by and said: “All a bunch of crazies. I don’t want them in our neighbourhood, they should throw them all in jail!!”.
I had to do my very best not to blow up at her and instead I calmly said: “I’ve got BPD along with a whole other bunch of mental health issues and I live in this neighbourhood as well, I suppose that you want me thrown in jail as well?!”.
She turned red in the face and quickly walked away.
Narrow minded people like her really piss me the fuck off!! No, you do not “just throw the crazies in jail”!! How is that helping?! You give them the proper help that they need, you don’t just throw them aside as if they’re trash!!
Oh, my blood is still boiling!!!
I have thought about this long and hard (lol) and I’ve come to a conclusion.
I have tried the “happy go lucky-life is awesome-unicorns and fairy dust” thing and it is just not in me. I feel like a liar when I act like that.
I am me, flaws and all. I can be (extremely) negative and a total downer at times but I am also a very good and caring person. I am the type of person that would give a shoeless person the shoes off of my feet. So yeah, maybe I moan and whine a lot, it’s my outlet.
I know that interaction with me can be hard at times and all I can say is that I do all that I can, I do my best, I can’t do much more. I have decided that I will no longer pretend. Not for anyone. I am me, I am who I am, I am not perfect.
I am now 24 and I’ve changed a lot, especially compared to say 5/6 years ago. The old me was much worse, believe me.
If I consider you my friend, then please, don’t take that for granted because that means that I would go through hell and back for you.
I don’t do what I do because I expect something in return, I do it because I was raised right by my Grandmother and because I am a good person. So don’t take my kindness as a weakness and do not take it for granted either.
This is me, and I’m here to stay.
Sorry, not sorry.
I know that I joke around a lot but all jokes aside for one second. Let me have a moment of your time.
I don’t like the way that things are. I do not like the way that people act. I am fully aware of the fact that I am merely 1 person and that I can’t change much (or anything?) so no need to point that out. But I’m having a wee bit of a soapbox moment so hear me out.
The world is a horrible place and it is all getting worse by the day. People ask me why I stay in my “no news” bubble and it’s because I don’t want to know what is going on out there. But unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I still pick up bits of news from all around me. I can read a newspaper headline and I am instantly bummed out. I’m so freaking sensitive to my surroundings (yaay for BPD) that it really gets me upset and in a frenzy, so I do my best to avoid it all.
This world is going down the crapper, extremely fast too. The earth is being destroyed. People are dropping dead left and right. Human beings killing their fellow man. I could go on and on, that’s how long the list is.
Today I watched my aunt break into tears because she is so worried about her son in Liberia and the fact that Ebola is spreading like wildfire. While she bugs the living daylight out of me, it did something to me, to see her crying like that. Look at everything that is going on in the world, it honestly makes me wonder sometimes if the world truly may be coming to an end.
It frustrates me so much that I can’t just snap my fingers and make everything go away. Who am I but just one person in a world with billions?
I just want to hide in a cave and never come out. I just don’t want to deal with people, they aggravate me a lot. I don’t want to deal with the world. I don’t want to see all the pain and sorrow. I have enough of my own.
If anyone is selling a cave, holla at a sista.
And look at me, turning 25 in little over a month and what you see below is only 1/5th of what I have to take every day. Every morning I take about 15 pills, then 2 more in the afternoon and 3 more at night.
Life is great, isn’t it?
I’ve been writing a few poems as of late. I often want to write on here but then I just can’t seem to get it all out. I am no poet but I do manage to write a few poems here and there. Here is one that I just wrote. It’s about him.