So here I am, behind my desk, headphones on and ready to write. But I feel like I don’t even fucking know where to start. I just know that I have SO much to say, SO much to share but I just can’t seem to get it out right. Which is weird, because I’ve never had an issue with this. Le sigh.
Let’s see, where to start? At the risk of sounding like a fucking broken record: I am deeply miserable. I mean, this is the ledge and I’ve been standing on it for a while now. Lately even more so than usual. I genuinely just want it all to stop, I just want SILENCE. I want all of the thoughts to stop, to go away, to leave me the fuck alone. If you’re reading this right now there is a very big chance that you have BPD, like me. So you’ll understand it when I say that I can literally think myself into a super fucked up shitty mood. Crazy, right?
Oh I should also apologize in advance because something tells me that I am going to be all over the place with this post, jumping from one subject to the other. Haha, it’s funny because that how it feels like inside of my head. Total fucking chaos! lol.
On Youtube right now, trying to listen to some of those “feel good” songs, sing myself into a good mood? lol. It doesn’t always work though, especially when I suddenly find myself listening to Evanescence. But I digress.
It’s now 2016 and I am still not working. Been out of a job for 2 years now. Many people don’t understand how fucked up that is for someone like me. Someone that HAS to keep busy constantly, as a distraction, otherwise the thoughts come and they always lead to over analyzing and eventually feeling like total shit. And the fucked up part of it? I’m not fucking stupid. I’m no Einstein but I am far from stupid. Despite the fact that I feel like I have lost at least half of my brain cells from being unemployed. Let’s face it, the brain is a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it. That’s genuinely how I feel right now. Lord.
The best part of being unemployed? When people tell me to “just look for a job”. Oh I’m sorry, wow, why hadn’t I thought of that yet?! Fuck, I’ve been going at this completely wrong for the last 2 years! I totally forgot that I could walk into any office, grab the boss and FORCE him (or her) to give me a job. Silly me! And here I’ve been, unemployed for so long! Gah, I swear, when people say that shit to me I genuinely want to punch them in the face.
Then again, does a day go by where I don’t want to punch anyone in the face? Especially lately. Gah. Okay, maybe I need to make a list of topics that I want to cover and then devote a post to each one. Seems more organized, yes?
Okay, stay tuned my lovelies, I shall aspire to return shortly.
The well is dry
No more tears left to cry
I can’t do no more
My entire body is sore
Lost is how I feel
I no longer know how to deal
Sometimes I think that I do
But to be honest, I haven’t the slightest clue
I want to spare her the pain
Of all the emotional strain
To kiss her gently and make it go away
But all I can do is be here and stay
No matter how hard that is
There is nothing I can do but this
Forever bound by blood
Together we will survive this emotional flood….
*Journey Through BPD*
“You can’t change the way he feels”.
Well, I sure wish that I could. Then at least he would finally open his eyes and love me back. He will finally see all that I do for him, how I would give my right arm to see him happy. How I put my own needs aside, just to make sure that he’s happy. I need him to really SEE me, to really KNOW that I’m there and that we would be so great together. So he can see how he is my entire world…
Stop being so obsessed about him. He loves you but he isn’t in love with you. He said so himself. Get over it! Stop being so pathetic! You’re a grown ass woman, you have to be strong! Stop caring!
But I love him so, he is so amazing.
Get over him! Forget all about him! He doesn’t want you!
I know, but I don’t care. I love him.