Tag Archives: people

My super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post

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I want to write a super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post but I just can’t. Because it’s not how I feel. And maybe it’s also because I am not aforementioned things – at all. Not because I haven’t tried – because I have.

I have tried “positive thinking”, I have tried “looking at the bright side of life”, I have tried it all. But to no avail.

I am now 28 years old and I can fairly (and very truthfully) say that I can’t remember the last time that I was happy, which makes me wonder – was I ever even happy? Even a little bit? After a lot of soul searching – oh so very much – I can honestly say that I have never been happy. I have never been a happy person either – I have never had a reason to be happy.

Have I felt moments of happiness? Or what I perceived as happiness? Sure I have. But they were just that, they were “moments”. Moments pass – they are not permanent.

My dogs make me happy – dogs in general make me happy. Petting them, looking at them, hanging out with them – it cheers me up. But when the moment passes I go back to feeling like my old regular unhappy self.

People often say “How can you say that you’re not happy?! I have seen you smile before!” Sorry to burst your bubble – but even (chronically) depressed people can smile. Just because I am incredibly miserable doesn’t mean that I can’t laugh when I hear/see something funny. It doesn’t mean that I can’t smile whenever my dogs look at me with their beautiful puppy dog eyes. It doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate a good joke.

A smile is just a smile. A smile can be faked even – and I know all about it, because I have been faking it for over 20+ years.

I have lost my train of thought – welcome to my brain – okay I really can’t remember where I was heading with this.

How do you even know if you’re really – truly and completely – happy? Or are all of you happy ass folks just faking it too?

Can you miss something that you’ve never had?

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Funny how a tv show can bring out so many emotions, even though it’s all make believe. I am not the type that cries when watching a movie or a tv show. I am not the type to even get emotional because of it. But no matter how many times I’ve watched Gilmore Girls, I’ll always get all emotional and start crying my eyes out, as it triggers so many things for me.

I have never had what they had. I have never had their relationship. I didn’t get to be friends with my mother, let alone best friends. I have never had the movie nights with a shit load of junk food or the endless hours of conversation. I didn’t have the closeness that they shared. I have never had any of it.

I have never had a Logan, a Jess, or a Luke or even a Dean.  I had a bunch of emotionally unavailable-distant and unattainable men. I have never had the love that most people get to experience. Shit, I’ve never had any love for that matter. I’m 27 years old now and I am fairly certain that I don’t even know what love really is.

Watching GG as a kid and re-watching it as an adult were 2 very different experiences  for me. Watching the GG revival has brought up so many emotions, so many thoughts and feelings. Seeing how close they are, seeing how they make up even after the biggest fight, seeing how much they care about each other. As I sit here, at my desk with my boy Matisse asleep between my legs, I can’t help but wonder: what would my life have been like if I did indeed have a  GG-esque relationship with her? Would I not be the person that I am today? The scarred individual that sits here, typing this. The basket case.

Would I be married and with kids by now? Would I be in a healthy relationship and living a very happy life? Would I be living a dream life? All of this goes through my mind, keeps me wondering.

I’ll never have a Luke, because I have never had a Lorelai….

Dear asshole…

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There is this man that I see walking around my neighbourhood quite often, I think that he lives here. For the past 2 evenings he has been in the same bus that I always take to go home.

This man has a few (facial) tics which cause him to make these involuntary movements with his hands (and face).

Last night as I was in the bus on my way home I saw him again. A guy around my age entered the bus and sat down next to the man with the tics. As I stood across from the both of them in the bus I decided to watch the younger guy closely.

About 1 minute after he sat down next to the man with the tics he (the guy my own age) got up and stood by the door. I continued watching him because I was curious as to why he went and stood by the door. Was he getting off at the next stop or did he leave his seat because he did not want to sit down next to the man with the tics?

Lo and behold, I was right! He got up from his seat and stood by the door because he did not want to sit next to the man with the tics.

It was my stop (and coincidentally the man with the tics also got out) so I got out of the bus. I didn’t walk away but stood there instead, I watched the younger guy go BACK to his seat once the man with the tics got off of the bus.

I then knocked on the window of the bus to get the younger guy’s attention. When he looked up and I knew that he saw me I flipped him off. I gave him the big ol’ bird!

This young man did not know the older man with the tics and yet he made an assumption. He probably thought: “Oh that man must be crazy, let me stay away from him!”.

Seeing this happen pissed me off quite a bit. Why? Because the younger man acted as if the older man was contagious. As if he wasn’t normal. And that really pissed me off.

Yeah, the older man had a few tics, so what? Does that make him less worthy? Does that mean that you can not sit next to him in a bus?

Moral of this story? People are assholes. Human beings treat each other so poorly and it angers and frustrates me.

Be kind to your fellow man, it only takes a few seconds out of your day.

So here’s to the asshole that got up out of his seat: “fuck you, fuck the horse that you rode in on and fuck your stupid face!”