My super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post

I want to write a super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post but I just can’t. Because it’s not how I feel. And maybe it’s also because I am not aforementioned things – at all. Not because I haven’t tried – because I have.

I have tried “positive thinking”, I have tried “looking at the bright side of life”, I have tried it all. But to no avail.

I am now 28 years old and I can fairly (and very truthfully) say that I can’t remember the last time that I was happy, which makes me wonder – was I ever even happy? Even a little bit? After a lot of soul searching – oh so very much – I can honestly say that I have never been happy. I have never been a happy person either – I have never had a reason to be happy.

Have I felt moments of happiness? Or what I perceived as happiness? Sure I have. But they were just that, they were “moments”. Moments pass – they are not permanent.

My dogs make me happy – dogs in general make me happy. Petting them, looking at them, hanging out with them – it cheers me up. But when the moment passes I go back to feeling like my old regular unhappy self.

People often say “How can you say that you’re not happy?! I have seen you smile before!” Sorry to burst your bubble – but even (chronically) depressed people can smile. Just because I am incredibly miserable doesn’t mean that I can’t laugh when I hear/see something funny. It doesn’t mean that I can’t smile whenever my dogs look at me with their beautiful puppy dog eyes. It doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate a good joke.

A smile is just a smile. A smile can be faked even – and I know all about it, because I have been faking it for over 20+ years.

I have lost my train of thought – welcome to my brain – okay I really can’t remember where I was heading with this.

How do you even know if you’re really – truly and completely – happy? Or are all of you happy ass folks just faking it too?

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Ho ho ho..

It’s December. This means that I am constantly being bombarded by Christmas and all that comes with it.

This annoys me, it annoys me a lot. In fact, it aggravates me quite a bit. Everywhere I go I am confronted with jolly people and Christmas decorations everywhere. And I hate it. I absolutely hate it. All it does is remind me of what I don’t have and of how utterly miserable I am.

I am trying, I am genuinely trying to muster up even the slightest interest for the holidays, but I can’t. It’s like my brain just can’t do it. I go through this every year, over and over again, but I never succeed.

A big part of me truly can’t be bothered with the whole Christmas thing, even if I wasn’t broke as fuck, I feel like I can’t be fucked to go through all of the trouble. Decorate the house, put up a tree, make Christmas dinner, spend all day cooking and cleaning, and for what? So I can take it all down come January 6th? Yeah, I’m good.

And at the same time there is another part of me that really wants that awesome Christmas that you see in the movies and on television. That’s when your brain reminds you that this is life and not a movie.

So excuse me while me and my extremely fantastic mood scurry on along and hide under the blankets until spring.

Holla at me when the flowers are in bloom again…