Can you miss something that you’ve never had?

Funny how a tv show can bring out so many emotions, even though it’s all make believe. I am not the type that cries when watching a movie or a tv show. I am not the type to even get emotional because of it. But no matter how many times I’ve watched Gilmore Girls, I’ll always get all emotional and start crying my eyes out, as it triggers so many things for me.

I have never had what they had. I have never had their relationship. I didn’t get to be friends with my mother, let alone best friends. I have never had the movie nights with a shit load of junk food or the endless hours of conversation. I didn’t have the closeness that they shared. I have never had any of it.

I have never had a Logan, a Jess, or a Luke or even a Dean.  I had a bunch of emotionally unavailable-distant and unattainable men. I have never had the love that most people get to experience. Shit, I’ve never had any love for that matter. I’m 27 years old now and I am fairly certain that I don’t even know what love really is.

Watching GG as a kid and re-watching it as an adult were 2 very different experiences  for me. Watching the GG revival has brought up so many emotions, so many thoughts and feelings. Seeing how close they are, seeing how they make up even after the biggest fight, seeing how much they care about each other. As I sit here, at my desk with my boy Matisse asleep between my legs, I can’t help but wonder: what would my life have been like if I did indeed have a  GG-esque relationship with her? Would I not be the person that I am today? The scarred individual that sits here, typing this. The basket case.

Would I be married and with kids by now? Would I be in a healthy relationship and living a very happy life? Would I be living a dream life? All of this goes through my mind, keeps me wondering.

I’ll never have a Luke, because I have never had a Lorelai….

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Anybody up there listening?

*smoke break*

Okay, so I know this book cover to cover AND I know how to APPLY all of said knowledge. I truly can’t do anything else but do the practice questions, FORCE myself to sleep tonight and go do the exam at 9am tomorrow morning.

If anyone up there is listening; I need to pass this exam oh!! I need, NEED to pass it tomorrow or I don’t get to take the next one on September 4th and I will also then crawl into my bed forever and never come out again. Seriously. At this point I NEED some GOOD news. So if there is anyone up there listening, HELP ME PASS THIS EXAM TOMORROW MORNING!!!

And no, keeping it to myself what the exam is for until tomorrow. Lol. If I come online around 10am my post is filled with curse words then you’ll know what’s up.

I am NOT an optimistic person, I do NOT hope but I sincerely wish that I pass it tomorrow morning.

Anyone on here that is a praying person, please, PRAY for me. Lol. I don’t care which God you worship, just pray for me. Okay? Okay!

Ok. That is all.