Can you miss something that you’ve never had?

Funny how a tv show can bring out so many emotions, even though it’s all make believe. I am not the type that cries when watching a movie or a tv show. I am not the type to even get emotional because of it. But no matter how many times I’ve watched Gilmore Girls, I’ll always get all emotional and start crying my eyes out, as it triggers so many things for me.

I have never had what they had. I have never had their relationship. I didn’t get to be friends with my mother, let alone best friends. I have never had the movie nights with a shit load of junk food or the endless hours of conversation. I didn’t have the closeness that they shared. I have never had any of it.

I have never had a Logan, a Jess, or a Luke or even a Dean.  I had a bunch of emotionally unavailable-distant and unattainable men. I have never had the love that most people get to experience. Shit, I’ve never had any love for that matter. I’m 27 years old now and I am fairly certain that I don’t even know what love really is.

Watching GG as a kid and re-watching it as an adult were 2 very different experiences  for me. Watching the GG revival has brought up so many emotions, so many thoughts and feelings. Seeing how close they are, seeing how they make up even after the biggest fight, seeing how much they care about each other. As I sit here, at my desk with my boy Matisse asleep between my legs, I can’t help but wonder: what would my life have been like if I did indeed have a  GG-esque relationship with her? Would I not be the person that I am today? The scarred individual that sits here, typing this. The basket case.

Would I be married and with kids by now? Would I be in a healthy relationship and living a very happy life? Would I be living a dream life? All of this goes through my mind, keeps me wondering.

I’ll never have a Luke, because I have never had a Lorelai….

That moment when you can relate just a bit too much…

I knew that this moment would come, probably more than once too but damn, it’s still hitting a nerve.
 
Busy doing schoolwork and I just covered a part about the different attachment styles in babies/kids and how, if lacking a proper one, that it could basically fuck you up for the rest of your life. That shit is hitting too close to home. Fuck. I actually had to walk away from my pc for a minute, to remain calm.
 
This is going to happen quite often, considering that I’m studying psychology, gonna have to find a way to deal with this. Now I’m just wigging out cuz tomorrow we’re gonna be covering this in class as well. I can already see myself storming out of the classroom, very upset. Le sigh. Gonna try my best not to.
 
I lack a healthy attachment style. I have an attachment disorder (along side all of my other brilliant disorders) and it’s something that has made my life quite a living hell, to be honest. It’s not something that goes away overnight either. Fuck.
 
Here is to hoping that first hand experience is what makes super awesome psychologists?
 
#bpd #bpdproblems #psychologystudent #psychology #mentalillness #mentalhealthawareness #attachmentdisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #personalitydisorder #endthestigma 

Ennui

ennui21So here I am, behind my desk, headphones on and ready to write. But I feel like I don’t even fucking know where to start. I just know that I have SO much to say, SO much to share but I just can’t seem to get it out right. Which is weird, because I’ve never had an issue with this. Le sigh.

Let’s see, where to start? At the risk of sounding like a fucking broken record: I am deeply miserable. I mean, this is the ledge and I’ve been standing on it for a while now. Lately even more so than usual. I genuinely just want it all to stop, I just want SILENCE. I want all of the thoughts to stop, to go away, to leave me the fuck alone. If you’re reading this right now there is a very big chance that you have BPD, like me. So you’ll understand it when I say that I can literally think myself into a super fucked up shitty mood. Crazy, right?

Oh I should also apologize in advance because something tells me that I am going to be all over the place with this post, jumping from one subject to the other. Haha, it’s funny because that how it feels like inside of my head. Total fucking chaos! lol.

On Youtube right now, trying to listen to some of those “feel good” songs, sing myself into a good mood? lol. It doesn’t always work though, especially when I suddenly find myself listening to Evanescence. But I digress.

It’s now 2016 and I am still not working. Been out of a job for 2 years now. Many people don’t understand how fucked up that is for someone like me. Someone that HAS to keep busy constantly, as a distraction, otherwise the thoughts come and they always lead to over analyzing and eventually feeling like total shit. And the fucked up part of it? I’m not fucking stupid. I’m no Einstein but I am far from stupid. Despite the fact that I feel like I have lost at least half of my brain cells from being unemployed. Let’s face it, the brain is a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it. That’s genuinely how I feel right now. Lord.

The best part of being unemployed? When people tell me to “just look for a job”. Oh I’m sorry, wow, why hadn’t I thought of that yet?! Fuck, I’ve been going at this completely wrong for the last 2 years! I totally forgot that I could walk into any office, grab the boss and FORCE him (or her) to give me a job. Silly me! And here I’ve been, unemployed for so long! Gah, I swear, when people say that shit to me I genuinely want to punch them in the face.

Then again, does a day go by where I don’t want to punch anyone in the face? Especially lately. Gah. Okay, maybe I need to make a list of topics that I want to cover and then devote a post to each one. Seems more organized, yes?

Okay, stay tuned my lovelies, I shall aspire to return shortly.

Namaste

My clock just doesn’t tick….

This morning something funny happened, I just had to share it with you guys.

Early morning breakfast conversation:

Me: “Yeah, I don’t ever want to have kids”.

Aunt: “WHAT?! But why not?”

Me: “Because I don’t want to”.

Aunt: “But there is nothing wrong with your eggs! You can have children! At least have 1 and be done with it”.

Me: “I do not WANT to have kids!!!!!!”

Aunt: “But how is that possible?!”

Me: “Sigh, we have this conversation at least 4 times a year and every time it’s like your brain can’t accept what I am saying, or rather, won’t accept what I am saying”.

Aunt: “You are a woman! You have to have kids!!!”

Me: “What law states that I have to have kids because I am a woman??”

Aunt: “It is just the way it is!!! You are a woman and that is your job and purpose in life! To have children!!”

My 11 year old sister (that I take care of full time!!): “So I won’t be an aunt?”

Me: “Sure you will! To my 30 dogs!”

Aunt: “M, she is going to have children, even if I have to force her!!”

Me: “Oh, so you’re going to force me ah? I’d like to see you try, last time I checked it was still MY life and MY womb”.

Aunt: “God and I will make you! You just wait and see”.

Me: “Here, have some more bacon. It’s really healthy. Have loads!”

😂😂😂😂😂😒

This morning I was apparently transported back to the 1950’s!! Lol. The nerve of some people.

Yes, I am indeed a woman. No, I am not obligated to have children.

Yes, it is and always will be MY choice.
No, it will never be anyone’s else’s choice.

Yes, I like children.
No, I do not wish to have any of my own.

Happiness (in life) does not depend on whether or not I pass a kid through my lady parts.

My aunt is not the first to go off on me like that because of my decision not to have kids. People like her need to mind their own business and accept that it’s my decision and not theirs.

My all time favorite has always been “Oh you don’t know what you are talking about. You’re still young, you will change your mind”. That shit cracks me up!!

I am 25 years old, I think that I am capable of making my own decisions. I made up my mind about not having kids when I was in my teens for fucks sake.

#TeamNoKids #life #MyBodyMyChoice #LeaveMyWombAlone

Oink oink

A lot of people I know like to refer to the police as “pigs”. They should refer to men as pigs, because that’s what the majority of them are pigs. Please note how I did not say that ALL men are pigs, because we all know there is going to be at least 1 man out there that is gonna get butthurt over it. 

Here is an example of a conversation that I had earlier today with this guy online…

Dude: “How are you?”
Me: “I’m feeling hella crappy. Miserable”
Dude: “I’ve got the cure for that!”
Me: “And that is?”
Dude: “It’s in my pants”
Me: “Sigh. Just go away. Fuck off”

Dude: “Come on! My big dick will make you feel better!”

Me: *blocks*

I love it how men seem to think that sex can cure anything that ails you.

‪#‎fuckingretards‬

This is nothing, this is tame, I’ve had worse conversations before. Two days ago I went out with this guy that been on my case to go out with him. Out of sheer boredom (read: avoiding my schoolwork) I decided to meet up with him. Everything was going good and then he decided to let the crazy out.

Thomas: “Did you know that one of Obama’s Secret Service Agents is an alien!? I saw the guy on YouTube!”

Me: ” Oh really? Okay…”

Thomas: “Yeah man, aliens exist! Haven’t you ever wondered why we don’t have an amusement park on the moon?! The system is controlling us! The government is telling lies just to control us! All the history that we were taught in school is all fake!!”

Me: “I have a headache, could you please take me home now?”

The second I got home I blocked him everywhere. I haven’t even posted all that he said, and he said a lot! All that was missing was a tinfoil hat.

They say that there are “plenty fish in the sea”, what they failed to mention was that all the fish are fucking creepers-psychos-stalkers-idiots-cray cray. I’ve often wondered if I have an invisible sign on my forehead that says “Crazy? Creepy? (emotional) issues? Mommy issues? Immature? Come right over!”. In my 25 years on this earth I have yet to attract a normal (I know, what’s normal?) guy. Someone please remove this invisible sign from my forehead. Thanks!

Suffice it to say that I’ve accepted my fate a long time ago. The way I see it my life can only go 1 of 2 ways:

1. Become a nun

2. They’ll find my body 4 weeks later, with my 30 dogs by my side

So yeah, the dating pool: filled with mutated fish!

PSA Part I.

This goes out to all the (sleezy) men out there that have daughter(s).

Imagine your little girl growing up into a beautiful (young) woman that has her entire life ahead of her. Can you picture it? Good.

Now imagine some douchebag of a guy treating her without respect and seeing her as nothing more than a piece of meat. Imagine your beautiful daughter getting hit up with messages like “Hey babe, I’m hella horny. Let’s fuck”. She may be all grown up but she’s still your little girl. You’d want to beat the guy up, wouldn’t you? Admit it.

You would be furious and you would want to bash his face in for treating your daughter like that.

If that pisses you off so much then how can you treat the women around you the same way??

Exactly.

So the next time that you feel the urge to disrespect a woman like that and treat her like an object and a piece of meat, think about some douchebag doing the same thing to your little girl.

Sincerely yours,

I am not an object, I am a human being.