My super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post

I want to write a super positive – inspiring – happy go lucky post but I just can’t. Because it’s not how I feel. And maybe it’s also because I am not aforementioned things – at all. Not because I haven’t tried – because I have.

I have tried “positive thinking”, I have tried “looking at the bright side of life”, I have tried it all. But to no avail.

I am now 28 years old and I can fairly (and very truthfully) say that I can’t remember the last time that I was happy, which makes me wonder – was I ever even happy? Even a little bit? After a lot of soul searching – oh so very much – I can honestly say that I have never been happy. I have never been a happy person either – I have never had a reason to be happy.

Have I felt moments of happiness? Or what I perceived as happiness? Sure I have. But they were just that, they were “moments”. Moments pass – they are not permanent.

My dogs make me happy – dogs in general make me happy. Petting them, looking at them, hanging out with them – it cheers me up. But when the moment passes I go back to feeling like my old regular unhappy self.

People often say “How can you say that you’re not happy?! I have seen you smile before!” Sorry to burst your bubble – but even (chronically) depressed people can smile. Just because I am incredibly miserable doesn’t mean that I can’t laugh when I hear/see something funny. It doesn’t mean that I can’t smile whenever my dogs look at me with their beautiful puppy dog eyes. It doesn’t mean that I can’t appreciate a good joke.

A smile is just a smile. A smile can be faked even – and I know all about it, because I have been faking it for over 20+ years.

I have lost my train of thought – welcome to my brain – okay I really can’t remember where I was heading with this.

How do you even know if you’re really – truly and completely – happy? Or are all of you happy ass folks just faking it too?

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That moment when you can relate just a bit too much…

I knew that this moment would come, probably more than once too but damn, it’s still hitting a nerve.
Busy doing schoolwork and I just covered a part about the different attachment styles in babies/kids and how, if lacking a proper one, that it could basically fuck you up for the rest of your life. That shit is hitting too close to home. Fuck. I actually had to walk away from my pc for a minute, to remain calm.
This is going to happen quite often, considering that I’m studying psychology, gonna have to find a way to deal with this. Now I’m just wigging out cuz tomorrow we’re gonna be covering this in class as well. I can already see myself storming out of the classroom, very upset. Le sigh. Gonna try my best not to.
I lack a healthy attachment style. I have an attachment disorder (along side all of my other brilliant disorders) and it’s something that has made my life quite a living hell, to be honest. It’s not something that goes away overnight either. Fuck.
Here is to hoping that first hand experience is what makes super awesome psychologists?

Ennui

ennui21So here I am, behind my desk, headphones on and ready to write. But I feel like I don’t even fucking know where to start. I just know that I have SO much to say, SO much to share but I just can’t seem to get it out right. Which is weird, because¬†I’ve never had an issue with this. Le sigh.

Let’s see, where to start? At the risk of sounding like a fucking broken record: I am deeply miserable. I mean, this is the ledge and I’ve been standing on it for a while now. Lately even more so than usual. I genuinely just want it all to stop, I just want SILENCE. I want all of the thoughts to stop, to go away, to leave me the fuck alone. If you’re reading this right now there is a very big chance that you have BPD, like me. So you’ll understand it when I say that I can literally think myself into a super fucked up shitty mood. Crazy, right?

Oh I should also¬†apologize in advance because something tells me that I am going to be all over the place with this post, jumping from one subject to the other. Haha, it’s funny because that how it feels like inside of my head. Total fucking chaos! lol.

On Youtube right now, trying to listen to some of those “feel good” songs, sing myself into a good mood? lol. It doesn’t always work though, especially when I suddenly find myself listening to Evanescence. But I digress.

It’s now 2016 and I am still not working. Been out of a job for 2 years now. Many people don’t understand how fucked up that is for someone like me. Someone that HAS to keep busy constantly, as a distraction, otherwise the thoughts come and they always lead to over analyzing and eventually feeling like total shit. And the fucked up part of it? I’m not fucking stupid. I’m no Einstein but I am far from stupid. Despite the fact that I feel like I have lost at least half of my brain cells from being unemployed. Let’s face it, the brain is a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it. That’s genuinely how I feel right now. Lord.

The best part of being unemployed? When people tell me to “just look for a job”. Oh I’m sorry, wow, why hadn’t I thought of that yet?! Fuck, I’ve been going at this completely wrong for the last 2 years! I totally forgot that I could walk into any office, grab the boss and FORCE him (or her) to give me a job. Silly me! And here I’ve been, unemployed for so long! Gah, I swear, when people say that shit to me I genuinely want to punch them in the face.

Then again, does a day go by where I don’t want to punch anyone in the face? Especially lately. Gah. Okay, maybe I need to make a list of topics that I want to cover and then devote a post to each one. Seems more organized, yes?

Okay, stay tuned my lovelies, I shall aspire to return shortly.

Namaste

Look at me

“Are you lacking attention?” Is what he asked. I was genuinely taken aback because of his question. I fiercely shook my head and replied “No! I am not!”.

I then came home and caught myself dwelling on his question. Am I indeed lacking attention? Do I crave it? Do I need it?

A lot of people that know at least a little about BPD will say that Borderliners all crave attention and that they seek it out in the wrong ways. As true as that may be I have always seemed to rebel against that statement/thought. I know that deep down inside I have always known that I do indeed crave attention. I have however never been able to admit it, especially out loud. Then this guy that I had just met asked me that question and it was stuck in my head all day long.

I was once again feeling extremely restless and I couldn’t sit still to save my life. I started cleaning the stove and the entire kitchen. It calms me down and it keeps my hands busy, what seems to really be bothering me these last few weeks. After I cleaned everything up I hopped into bed (middle of the afternoon, rainy outside) and I was just talking to a bunch of people on WhatsApp and it was like it finally hit me: “I do indeed need attention”. Me admitting this was (is) a very huge thing to me so it felt kind of “strange”.

It was like I was finally accepting the fact that I do indeed crave attention. I then messaged P and I literally said: “I need attention”, out of the blue. I told my best friend T about my new found clarity and it made total sense to her. We talked about it a bit more and it really helped.

I kind of feel like this is a huge accomplishment for me, which, it honestly kind of is. I’ve always (somehow) put “needing attention” on the same level as “being weak”. I’ve viewed it as being weak and that is one thing I absolutely hate, being weak. It takes a lot for me to admit to my weaknesses. That’s why in my own little world, in my head, I have no weaknesses and I am super awesome. But unfortunately I often have to pull myself back into reality.

Today I made a bit of progress. I finally admitted to something and I’ve started to accept it. There is this one guy J that keeps bugging me, wants to meet up and talk to me all the time and tonight I asked him wtf he wanted from me and I immediately started with: “I require attention, sometimes a lot”, once I said that everything else startdd pouring out as well. Mostly because I was hoping that all my issues would scare him off. But so far he’s still here, let’s see how long that lasts.

But look at me! I’m a borderliner and I need attention. I am 24 years old but often that little 6 year old girl in me shows her face. Those are the moments where it feels like I was instantly that little girl again. She was never there, my egg donor, that’s what I call her because she was never a real mother to me. On the rare occasions that she was there she would be glued to her laptop or computer and I often felt like I could have set the house on fire and that she wouldn’t notice. I was instantly sent back to feeling like that little girl. Seeing myself jumping up and down, trying to get her attention but always failing to do so.

This broke my heart over and over again because all that I wanted was her attention, presence and love. It took me over a decade, but I am a Borderliner and I need (extra) attention!!

100 Brownie points for myself for finally admitting to it!!

I feel like a tiny brick has been taken out of my huge wall and that I can breathe a little bit better. 1 issue down, 999999 more to go!

Look at me, I need attention!

I was murdered

I was murdered

I sat and stared but she never came.
I was murdered.

I clung unto her legs, feeling the tears run down my cheeks.
I was murdered.

I was promised the entire world, I got nothing.
I was murdered.

I felt her arm slip and watched her walk away.
I was murdered.

I kept on hoping and wishing, but she never stayed.
I was murdered.

-CHF