Dear asshole…

There is this man that I see walking around my neighbourhood quite often, I think that he lives here. For the past 2 evenings he has been in the same bus that I always take to go home.

This man has a few (facial) tics which cause him to make these involuntary movements with his hands (and face).

Last night as I was in the bus on my way home I saw him again. A guy around my age entered the bus and sat down next to the man with the tics. As I stood across from the both of them in the bus I decided to watch the younger guy closely.

About 1 minute after he sat down next to the man with the tics he (the guy my own age) got up and stood by the door. I continued watching him because I was curious as to why he went and stood by the door. Was he getting off at the next stop or did he leave his seat because he did not want to sit down next to the man with the tics?

Lo and behold, I was right! He got up from his seat and stood by the door because he did not want to sit next to the man with the tics.

It was my stop (and coincidentally the man with the tics also got out) so I got out of the bus. I didn’t walk away but stood there instead, I watched the younger guy go BACK to his seat once the man with the tics got off of the bus.

I then knocked on the window of the bus to get the younger guy’s attention. When he looked up and I knew that he saw me I flipped him off. I gave him the big ol’ bird!

This young man did not know the older man with the tics and yet he made an assumption. He probably thought: “Oh that man must be crazy, let me stay away from him!”.

Seeing this happen pissed me off quite a bit. Why? Because the younger man acted as if the older man was contagious. As if he wasn’t normal. And that really pissed me off.

Yeah, the older man had a few tics, so what? Does that make him less worthy? Does that mean that you can not sit next to him in a bus?

Moral of this story? People are assholes. Human beings treat each other so poorly and it angers and frustrates me.

Be kind to your fellow man, it only takes a few seconds out of your day.

So here’s to the asshole that got up out of his seat: “fuck you, fuck the horse that you rode in on and fuck your stupid face!”

Porky Pig

Gah. I am such an emotional wreck lately. Eating to fill that void that will never truly be filled. Sometimes I honestly just think to myself: “Screw this, I should just let myself go completely and eat whatever the hell I want. At least then I’ll be jolly!”. Gah.

Then of course 15 minutes later you’re surfing the net when you see a gorgeous girl with a gorgeos guy and you’re all: “Oh no. Gah. I should just stop eating entirely, then I’ll be pretty like her and I’ll have a handsome boyfriend like hers”.

Seriously?! I have never had these feelings before in my entire life and now I am 1 week shy of 25 and suddenly it’s all I can think about. Gah.

Then of course everyone you know gives you the standard peptalk and you’re just like: “Gah, I KNOW all of this stuff already. I have tried it all before!”. The peptalk usually goes something like this: “Exercise! Go to the gym! Eat better! Work out!”. And you just stand there like: “Really? You don’t think that I haven’t thought of all those things? REALLY?!”.

Okay, euhm, I don’t know what is going on with me lately. It’s like I’m extra bitchy-moody-opinionated-emotional. Let’s blame it on my Quarter Life Crisis.

Ermahgerd, 25!!!!

24 and so over this thing called life…

I am supposed to be studying for my exam for school next week but I can’t concentrate to save my life. No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to focus long enough. “Every day I just fight, I constantly fight myself, and it’s driving me crazy.

My uncle came by today to check my computer out, he’s an IT-er. We were just talking and goofing around when I suddenly just dropped my myself, face first, into my pile of clean clothes on the sofa in my room. Next thing you know I could feel the tears filling up my eyes. Before you knew it (before I even knew it) I was crying into the pile of clothes.

I just couldn’t seem to stop crying. I cried like I have never cried before. I mean full blown crying and that then turned into hyperventilating along with crying. My uncle tried consoling me, asking me what was wrong, I tried answering in between very loud sobs.

Everything just came out. I couldn’t stop crying. It’s like someone opened the floodgates and it all came crashing down like huge waves. And neither my uncle nor I had any idea what brought this on. Next thing you know I was sobbing uncontrollably and telling my uncle how every day feels like a struggle. How every day I fight so hard against all the feelings and urges. “Every day I fight this horrible battle against myself when all I truly want to do is just die” is what I told him in between sobs. How everyone is always turning to me for everything, how everyone is pulling at me from all angles and how no one ever bothers to ask or see how I am doing. I am 24, turning 25 next weekend, and I am carrying the weight of everyone around me on my shoulders and it is exhausting. I have my own issues that keep me busy enough. I hate to sound whiny but I don’t deserve any of this.

These last few weeks I have been incredibly crabby and very very very VERY sad. Miserable even. I feel like I am tapped out, completely.

I am so tired, I don’t know what to do anymore. Completely dissociated as well.

Sigh, all I want to do is lie in bed and cry. So if I am silent for a whole, you know why…

Together we stand

The well is dry
No more tears left to cry
I can’t do no more
My entire body is sore
Lost is how I feel
I no longer know how to deal
Sometimes I think that I do
But to be honest, I haven’t the slightest clue

I want to spare her the pain
Of all the emotional strain
To kiss her gently and make it go away
But all I can do is be here and stay

No matter how hard that is
There is nothing I can do but this

Forever bound by blood
Together we will survive this emotional flood….

-CHF

*Journey Through BPD*

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health disorder that generates significant emotional instability. This can lead to a variety of other stressful mental and behavioral problems.

With borderline personality disorder, you may have a severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you may desire to have loving and lasting relationships.

If you have borderline personality disorder, don’t get discouraged. Many people with this disorder get better with treatment and can live satisfying lives.

What are the symptoms?

Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.

Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
Wide mood swings
Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Suicidal behavior
Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
Fear of being alone
Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing
When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don’t exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values.

Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white.

When to see a doctor?

If you’re aware that you have any of the signs or symptoms above, talk to your doctor or a mental health provider. Proper treatment can help you feel better about yourself and help you live a more stable, rewarding life.

If you notice signs or symptoms in a family member or friend, talk to that person about seeing a doctor or mental health provider. But you can’t force someone to seek help. If the relationship causes you significant stress, you may find it helpful to see a therapist yourself.

What can cause BPD?

As with other mental disorders, the causes of borderline personality disorder aren’t fully understood. Experts agree, though, that the disorder results from a combination of factors. Factors that seem likely to play a role include:

Genetics. Some studies of twins and families suggest that personality disorders may be inherited or strongly associated with other mental disorders among family members.
Environmental factors. Many people with borderline personality disorder have a history of childhood abuse, neglect and separation from caregivers or loved ones.
Brain abnormalities. Some research has shown changes in certain areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation, impulsivity and aggression. In addition, certain brain chemicals that help regulate mood, such as serotonin, may not function properly.

What are the risk factors?

Personality is shaped both by inherited tendencies and environmental factors, as well as experiences during childhood. Some factors related to personality development can increase the risk of developing borderline personality disorder. These include:

Hereditary predisposition. You may be at a higher risk if a close family member — your mother, father, brother or sister — has the same or a similar disorder, particularly a mood or anxiety disorder.
Childhood abuse. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused during childhood.
Neglect. Some people with the disorder describe severe deprivation, neglect and abandonment during childhood.
Also, borderline personality disorder is diagnosed more often in young adults and adult women than in men.

What are the complications?

Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of your life. It can negatively affect intimate relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image. Repeated job losses and broken marriages are common. Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, can result in scarring and frequent hospitalizations. Suicide rates among people with BPD are high.

In addition, you may have other mental health disorders, including:

Depression
Alcohol or substance abuse and dependency
Anxiety disorders
Eating disorders
Bipolar disorder
Because of risky, impulsive behavior, you are also more vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights. You may also be involved in abusive relationships, either as the abuser or the abused.

If you find yourself relating (strongly) to any of the symptoms listed in this post, please go and speak to your doctor about this so you can get the proper help. Don’t leave it untreated as it can only make things worse. Don’t be ashamed or afraid to see a doctor/psychiatrist. They are there to help.

Any questions? Feel free to comment on this post or message me privately!

**This text was taken from the Mayo Clinic website. I do now own this text.

Rejection

That one thing that everyone has experienced at least one time or another in their lives. It’s never much fun and it really sucks, to be honest.

So a few days ago I did something that terrifies the hell out of me, I asked a guy for his number.

It was after midnight and I was standing at the train station when I saw a train conductor that was just getting off work. I was having a smoke when he started chatting me up. People (read: men) chat me up all the time and I generally walk away but he was cute so I stayed.

Dude was talking and talking. Asking questions and basically showing an interest in me. So yeah, my brain then picks up certain signals (or was I imagining them?!) and we both got into the train. We got separated because his coworkers saw him and they all went off to sit together.

After 10 whole minutes of pacing the train’s corridor I finally walked up to him and asked him if I could borrow him for a second. “You can do this!! Worst case scenario: he says no and you just go to the other part of the train, you won’t see him ever again! Come on! You can do this! Let’s be all YOLO about it!” Is what I kept repeating to myself as I walked up to him.

“May I ask you something? May I have your number?”, I asked while barely being able to look him in the eyes.

“Oh, wow! Really?! Oh wow! Sweetie, I am so sorry but I already have a girlfriend, otherwise I really would have given you my number!! Definitely!! You’re so sweet, thank you!” He replied.

It’s a good thing that my caramel skin hid the fact that I felt like my entire head had turned red. I just nodded and walked away as fast as I could without it seeming like I was running away.

That’s when it kicked in. “What were you thinking? Of course he has a girlfriend”. And my all time favorite kicked in as well: “Of course he turned you down, nobody wants you. Just another rejection to add to your life. Nobody wants you, you’ll forever be alone”.

As these thoughts haunted me while I paced up and down that train corridor, I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. Within a matter of minutes (2 minutes!!) this quickly turned into pure anger. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why are you fucking crying right now?! Crying is weak! You can’t be weak!!!”.

Next thing you know I was walking home at 1.30am with a million thoughts in my head and dried up tears on my cheeks.

I still can’t believe that I asked him for his number. My fear of rejection is right up there with my crippling fear of abandonment and my social anxiety. It took all of the courage that I had in me to do what I did. And it’s funny because I am 24, turning 25 in less than a month, and I can’t even ask a guy for his number. At least not face to face, online is much easier. Go team Introvert. #IntrovertsUnite. Lol.

But hey, just another night, just another rejection….