24 and so over this thing called life…

I am supposed to be studying for my exam for school next week but I can’t concentrate to save my life. No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to focus long enough. “Every day I just fight, I constantly fight myself, and it’s driving me crazy.

My uncle came by today to check my computer out, he’s an IT-er. We were just talking and goofing around when I suddenly just dropped my myself, face first, into my pile of clean clothes on the sofa in my room. Next thing you know I could feel the tears filling up my eyes. Before you knew it (before I even knew it) I was crying into the pile of clothes.

I just couldn’t seem to stop crying. I cried like I have never cried before. I mean full blown crying and that then turned into hyperventilating along with crying. My uncle tried consoling me, asking me what was wrong, I tried answering in between very loud sobs.

Everything just came out. I couldn’t stop crying. It’s like someone opened the floodgates and it all came crashing down like huge waves. And neither my uncle nor I had any idea what brought this on. Next thing you know I was sobbing uncontrollably and telling my uncle how every day feels like a struggle. How every day I fight so hard against all the feelings and urges. “Every day I fight this horrible battle against myself when all I truly want to do is just die” is what I told him in between sobs. How everyone is always turning to me for everything, how everyone is pulling at me from all angles and how no one ever bothers to ask or see how I am doing. I am 24, turning 25 next weekend, and I am carrying the weight of everyone around me on my shoulders and it is exhausting. I have my own issues that keep me busy enough. I hate to sound whiny but I don’t deserve any of this.

These last few weeks I have been incredibly crabby and very very very VERY sad. Miserable even. I feel like I am tapped out, completely.

I am so tired, I don’t know what to do anymore. Completely dissociated as well.

Sigh, all I want to do is lie in bed and cry. So if I am silent for a whole, you know why…

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