That moment when you can relate just a bit too much…

I knew that this moment would come, probably more than once too but damn, it’s still hitting a nerve.
Busy doing schoolwork and I just covered a part about the different attachment styles in babies/kids and how, if lacking a proper one, that it could basically fuck you up for the rest of your life. That shit is hitting too close to home. Fuck. I actually had to walk away from my pc for a minute, to remain calm.
This is going to happen quite often, considering that I’m studying psychology, gonna have to find a way to deal with this. Now I’m just wigging out cuz tomorrow we’re gonna be covering this in class as well. I can already see myself storming out of the classroom, very upset. Le sigh. Gonna try my best not to.
I lack a healthy attachment style. I have an attachment disorder (along side all of my other brilliant disorders) and it’s something that has made my life quite a living hell, to be honest. It’s not something that goes away overnight either. Fuck.
Here is to hoping that first hand experience is what makes super awesome psychologists?


ennui21So here I am, behind my desk, headphones on and ready to write. But I feel like I don’t even fucking know where to start. I just know that I have SO much to say, SO much to share but I just can’t seem to get it out right. Which is weird, because I’ve never had an issue with this. Le sigh.

Let’s see, where to start? At the risk of sounding like a fucking broken record: I am deeply miserable. I mean, this is the ledge and I’ve been standing on it for a while now. Lately even more so than usual. I genuinely just want it all to stop, I just want SILENCE. I want all of the thoughts to stop, to go away, to leave me the fuck alone. If you’re reading this right now there is a very big chance that you have BPD, like me. So you’ll understand it when I say that I can literally think myself into a super fucked up shitty mood. Crazy, right?

Oh I should also apologize in advance because something tells me that I am going to be all over the place with this post, jumping from one subject to the other. Haha, it’s funny because that how it feels like inside of my head. Total fucking chaos! lol.

On Youtube right now, trying to listen to some of those “feel good” songs, sing myself into a good mood? lol. It doesn’t always work though, especially when I suddenly find myself listening to Evanescence. But I digress.

It’s now 2016 and I am still not working. Been out of a job for 2 years now. Many people don’t understand how fucked up that is for someone like me. Someone that HAS to keep busy constantly, as a distraction, otherwise the thoughts come and they always lead to over analyzing and eventually feeling like total shit. And the fucked up part of it? I’m not fucking stupid. I’m no Einstein but I am far from stupid. Despite the fact that I feel like I have lost at least half of my brain cells from being unemployed. Let’s face it, the brain is a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it. That’s genuinely how I feel right now. Lord.

The best part of being unemployed? When people tell me to “just look for a job”. Oh I’m sorry, wow, why hadn’t I thought of that yet?! Fuck, I’ve been going at this completely wrong for the last 2 years! I totally forgot that I could walk into any office, grab the boss and FORCE him (or her) to give me a job. Silly me! And here I’ve been, unemployed for so long! Gah, I swear, when people say that shit to me I genuinely want to punch them in the face.

Then again, does a day go by where I don’t want to punch anyone in the face? Especially lately. Gah. Okay, maybe I need to make a list of topics that I want to cover and then devote a post to each one. Seems more organized, yes?

Okay, stay tuned my lovelies, I shall aspire to return shortly.



My next piece is coming up soon, I am just currently suffering from FMLitis and am therefore quite blocked. So in the mean time, I managed to throw this one out there, I was thinking about it. Might give you a good laugh!

For those of you that are not familiar with the term “Swirl”.

“Jungle Fever… black people and white people having sex.”
“She’s down with the swirl”

I’m in a funny mood so I thought I’d put this out there. If you’re easily offended or touchy, don’t read this. Lol. Oh and none of this is meant to sound bitter/racist or whatever. It’s just all in good fun. And yes, I’ve had actual white men say these things to me.

I’m gonna call this one: “Things I’ve had white guys say to me and assume about me, without even knowing me”.

1. “Is it true? Do black guys really have huge dicks?”
– Why would you assume that I’ve dated black guys and only black guys?

2. “I hear that black women are wild in bed”
– Oh, are we now? And what do you base this theory on? One of ya boys told you? Just STFU.

3. “Can I touch your hair? It’s fake, isn’t it? Is that what they call a weave?”
– First of all, it’s “may I touch your hair” and no, you may not! So all black women have fake hair huh?

4. “Have you ever been with a white guy before?”
– Yeah, seriously, go right ahead and assume that I have only dated black guys. It must be so!

5. “I’ve always loved black women but they never want me”
– Did you try talking to them? Oh, I guess not eh? You see us and assume that we only date black guys so you don’t even bother and then you go around claiming that we’re not approachable.

6. “I’ve never been with a black woman before but I love black women, always have!”
– Sweetheart, I am not (nor will I ever be) someone’s experiment. Either you’ve been into black women your entire life and you’ve dated only black women, or you haven’t. I am not here so you can say “I had sex with/I dated a black woman”. But hey, since you love us so much, why haven’t you been with any of us? If you love us so much why are you married to a white woman?

Now, I’ve had plenty of conversations with my black female friends that swirl and most of them (if not all) have encountered the exact same thing. So I know I’m not coocoo. Lol. Anyone on here bump into anything similar to this? (or maybe even the exact same thing).

I must say that *my* answers were given from a different perspective. I’ve swirled my entire life. First boyfriend? white Chocolate. First kiss? White Chocolate. First time sex? White Chocolate. Get the picture? I’m not one of those “ermahgerd, I’ve seen the light, I might try swirling” types. Or the ones I REALLY love “I’m tired of dating these broke ass brotha’s, let me try out a white guy”.

This piece was written from a true Swirler’s** perspective. White guys is not an experiment for me, dare I say it’s a way of life?
** This does not mean that this Swirler hasn’t tasted anything other than White Chocolate!