So here I am, behind my desk, headphones on and ready to write. But I feel like I don’t even fucking know where to start. I just know that I have SO much to say, SO much to share but I just can’t seem to get it out right. Which is weird, because I’ve never had an issue with this. Le sigh.
Let’s see, where to start? At the risk of sounding like a fucking broken record: I am deeply miserable. I mean, this is the ledge and I’ve been standing on it for a while now. Lately even more so than usual. I genuinely just want it all to stop, I just want SILENCE. I want all of the thoughts to stop, to go away, to leave me the fuck alone. If you’re reading this right now there is a very big chance that you have BPD, like me. So you’ll understand it when I say that I can literally think myself into a super fucked up shitty mood. Crazy, right?
Oh I should also apologize in advance because something tells me that I am going to be all over the place with this post, jumping from one subject to the other. Haha, it’s funny because that how it feels like inside of my head. Total fucking chaos! lol.
On Youtube right now, trying to listen to some of those “feel good” songs, sing myself into a good mood? lol. It doesn’t always work though, especially when I suddenly find myself listening to Evanescence. But I digress.
It’s now 2016 and I am still not working. Been out of a job for 2 years now. Many people don’t understand how fucked up that is for someone like me. Someone that HAS to keep busy constantly, as a distraction, otherwise the thoughts come and they always lead to over analyzing and eventually feeling like total shit. And the fucked up part of it? I’m not fucking stupid. I’m no Einstein but I am far from stupid. Despite the fact that I feel like I have lost at least half of my brain cells from being unemployed. Let’s face it, the brain is a muscle and if you don’t use it, you lose it. That’s genuinely how I feel right now. Lord.
The best part of being unemployed? When people tell me to “just look for a job”. Oh I’m sorry, wow, why hadn’t I thought of that yet?! Fuck, I’ve been going at this completely wrong for the last 2 years! I totally forgot that I could walk into any office, grab the boss and FORCE him (or her) to give me a job. Silly me! And here I’ve been, unemployed for so long! Gah, I swear, when people say that shit to me I genuinely want to punch them in the face.
Then again, does a day go by where I don’t want to punch anyone in the face? Especially lately. Gah. Okay, maybe I need to make a list of topics that I want to cover and then devote a post to each one. Seems more organized, yes?
Okay, stay tuned my lovelies, I shall aspire to return shortly.
Haven’t posted much lately, especially on my website. Which is odd I guess since I have SO much going on, in my life/in my head. Suffice it to say, I’ve got enough to say.
Kind of toying around with the idea of making vlogs, maybe that would help me be more active and consistent with posting. Then again, is anyone even really watching/reading? lol. But you could say that it’s therapeutic, in a way. lol.
Anyways, hope that everyone is doing okay,. And remember, your story isn’t over yet!!!
Meet my new furry child, Matisse! He even has his own FB! hahaha.
He’s 12 weeks old. It took me 2 years to get a new doggy after the love of my life Liberty (Golden Retriever) got put to sleep, but I am glad that I finally did.
So I drew something. I made it for him, for his birthday. No idea why, it’s not like it will make him suddenly fall in love with me, lol. Still, makes me wonder why I went through the trouble. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll find out. Why do I do anything when it comes to him?
He’s a Pisces, they go incredibly well with Scorpio’s. If only he’d listen, haha.
Didn’t turn out exactly how I wanted it but hey, it’s something.
I can just hope that he’ll like it.
730 days ago my love got taken away from me
730 days too many since she’s been gone
730 days ago my heart broke forever
730 days ago I lost the love of my life
730 days worth of tears
4017+ days that I got to spend with her and I cherish every single one of them
Tu es ma meilleure amie. Je t’aime, Liberty ❤
“Disorder”. They make it sound like you’re a sodamachine that’s out of order.
“Disorder”. People hear that word and they immediately assume the worst. Assume that you’re a psychopath.
“Disorder”. It makes it sound like you’re broken. Not perfect. Not right.
I want to send out a big hug and lots of kisses to everyone that has read any of my insane ramblings, followed or maybe even “liked” any of my posts. It has been one hell of a year and here’s to 2015!
I want to wish everyone a very very Happy New Year!!
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,500 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 25 trips to carry that many people.