L’amour

Have you ever had any good experiences in love, or were they all bad?

That’s what this guy asked me while we were talking just now. I met up with him yesterday for drinks and we really hit it off, I had a great time, we have a lot in common and we both want the same things.

Today he told me that he wants me to be his girlfriend. I know right? I said that I’d love to, but I will always have one foot in the door, ready to run at a moment’s notice.

My fears seeped through into our conversation today as I said “I hope that you are serious about this and not just yanking my chain”. Next thing you know I’m blathering on like a total idiot and I had to shut myself up. It was obvious that this took him by surprise. That’s when he asked me the question as stated above.

At first I was all “wow, what a question!?” But then I thought about it and I’ve never had anyone ask me that before and the more I thought about it the more it became very clear: “No, I have not had any good experiences with love”. Somehow saying it out loud and admitting to it made it “real” and I finally really thought about it.

I have never had a good experience with love. Just earlier this evening I was reading Levi’s letter that came today and one of the things we were discussing was the subject of love. Whether or not we had ever truly been in love. I was sitting behind my laptop and writing back to Levi, telling him that I often thought that I was truly in love with someone but now that I look back on it, I’m not so sure that I really was. I believe that I felt in love at the time but that I honestly don’t think that it was real and true love. Then again, what is love? “Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me.. No more”. Yeah, sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Moving on. How does one even know if they truly love someone or if they are truly IN love with someone? I have thought about this a lot but I still can’t seem to come up with a good answer. So exactly how is one to find love if they won’t even recognize it once they do? It’s like looking for something but you have no idea what you’re looking for. For all you know love could be staring you in the face and you wouldn’t even know it.

So here I am, wondering if whatever I have going on with this guy will lead to anything or not. Because to be honest, I had given up all hope (not that I had that much to begin with) on finding someone and the whole fantasy of the husband, big house with 30 dogs. I know right? 24 and already giving up. But that only goes to show you how little faith I have in this thing called “love”.

And then in stumbles this guy, Kevin. I am really trying not to get ahead of myself, not to scare him off with my fears and insecurities. Yuck. I can’t even admit to that out loud. I typed and deleted the word “insecurities” 5 times before I let it stay. That’s how much I don’t want to admit to having any (insecurities). If I do that then I would see myself as weak and I just can’t do that.

I told him that I would do my best not to let my issues (mostly my deathly fear of abandonment) get between us and hopefully this might work out between us. Tonight he asked me to be his girlfriend, which I found extremely cute, I accepted and now the game really begins…

Will this work out or will I end up once more with a broken heart, shattered to pieces? Is my GPS still broken or will I finally find the way to “happy”?…

L’amour is an evil mistress…

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2 thoughts on “L’amour

  1. I’m wishing you the best of luck. Regarding love, we’re conditioned our whole life after watching romantic-comedy after romantic-comedy that love is going to be this epic thing and that you’ll know it when you feel it. In actuality, it’s quite a gradual process. Unless there’s a ton of chemistry, you’re probably not going to be bombarded with feelings until things heat up a bit. I don’t really know anyone that’s had good experiences with love.

    I wouldn’t be afraid to let the guy in question know about the BPD either. Unless he’s dated a BPD girl before, he’s probably going to need a kind of instruction manual and need to possess a great deal of tolerance. I’d start subtly testing if he can handle a girl that’s crazier than usual. Obviously wait until it feels right, but don’t wait so long that it’s almost a little deceptive how long you waited to tell him.

    I know you’re excited but don’t forget yourself. If this doesn’t go as planned, you don’t want all your emotional eggs in his one proverbial basket.

    • He knows about my BPD, I mentioned it our very first date, I usually always do. He didn’t freak out or anything, so that was good. But yes, just last night I was telling him that I kind of come with a manual, lol, and that it would take some patience from his side.

      Oh yeah, I am very (very) guarded and careful! I told him this after he could see that I was being very “fearful”? He said that he wasn’t used to being with someone like that but I explained to him WHY I was being that way but I also told him that I’d do my best not to let it stand between us. I’m so careful that I will basically always have 1 foot in the door, not because I don’t want this to work but because I’m so deathly afraid of getting hurt that I wanna be able to just bolt the second it happens, should it happen (and it always does, le sigh).

      And omg, yes! I know what you mean about the romantic comedy thing! It has created some kind of a unrealistic view on love and how it should all go, you know what I mean? But unfortunately it’s apparently hard to let go of that view for me, LOL.

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