Ho ho ho and a bottle of beer

3 hours into Christmas earlier today and my family was already getting on my nerves.

Is it some kind of unwritten rule that family drama must ensue during holidays??!

Tomorrow my cousin is coming over to Granny’s house to cook and he’s basically invited like 20 freaking people. I have no desire whatsoever to go and be social and shit, let alone with 20+ people. Yuck. Family members no less. Christmas mostly feels like an obligation, to be honest. And this is why I informed everyone that I would not be joining the “fun”. Then my aunt decided to yell at me. She literally told me “It’s Christmas. Even if you don’t like each other, you just pretend. At least until Christmas is over”. Yeah, ah.. Nah? Nothing against my family (mostly?) but the last thing I need is to PRETEND to like each other and stand there and be asked the following questions by family members that I haven’t seen in years:

-“You looking fat oh. You pregnant?”
-“Have you gained weight?”

Or the very well known:

-“Why you spoiling yourself like that oh? Why you putting all those tattoos on your body like that oh!? You used to be such a fine girl!”

And the ones I truly hate:

-“How’s your mom?”
Me: “I wouldn’t know. Don’t care”.
-“OH, what you mean you don’t know? She your mother!!”
Me “Nah.. Not really…”
-“No, no, no Conchita, you can’t behave like that oh! Your mother is your mother”..

That is usually the point where I’d grab the nearest wine bottle and just chug the entire thing.

So yeah… My bed, a cold beer and I shall be having a lovely 2nd Christmas day tomorrow!

Not gonna be forced to play nice and act social all day 👍

#GrinchMode

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health disorder that generates significant emotional instability. This can lead to a variety of other stressful mental and behavioral problems.

With borderline personality disorder, you may have a severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you may desire to have loving and lasting relationships.

If you have borderline personality disorder, don’t get discouraged. Many people with this disorder get better with treatment and can live satisfying lives.

What are the symptoms?

Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.

Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
Wide mood swings
Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Suicidal behavior
Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
Fear of being alone
Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing
When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don’t exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values.

Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white.

When to see a doctor?

If you’re aware that you have any of the signs or symptoms above, talk to your doctor or a mental health provider. Proper treatment can help you feel better about yourself and help you live a more stable, rewarding life.

If you notice signs or symptoms in a family member or friend, talk to that person about seeing a doctor or mental health provider. But you can’t force someone to seek help. If the relationship causes you significant stress, you may find it helpful to see a therapist yourself.

What can cause BPD?

As with other mental disorders, the causes of borderline personality disorder aren’t fully understood. Experts agree, though, that the disorder results from a combination of factors. Factors that seem likely to play a role include:

Genetics. Some studies of twins and families suggest that personality disorders may be inherited or strongly associated with other mental disorders among family members.
Environmental factors. Many people with borderline personality disorder have a history of childhood abuse, neglect and separation from caregivers or loved ones.
Brain abnormalities. Some research has shown changes in certain areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation, impulsivity and aggression. In addition, certain brain chemicals that help regulate mood, such as serotonin, may not function properly.

What are the risk factors?

Personality is shaped both by inherited tendencies and environmental factors, as well as experiences during childhood. Some factors related to personality development can increase the risk of developing borderline personality disorder. These include:

Hereditary predisposition. You may be at a higher risk if a close family member — your mother, father, brother or sister — has the same or a similar disorder, particularly a mood or anxiety disorder.
Childhood abuse. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused during childhood.
Neglect. Some people with the disorder describe severe deprivation, neglect and abandonment during childhood.
Also, borderline personality disorder is diagnosed more often in young adults and adult women than in men.

What are the complications?

Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of your life. It can negatively affect intimate relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image. Repeated job losses and broken marriages are common. Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, can result in scarring and frequent hospitalizations. Suicide rates among people with BPD are high.

In addition, you may have other mental health disorders, including:

Depression
Alcohol or substance abuse and dependency
Anxiety disorders
Eating disorders
Bipolar disorder
Because of risky, impulsive behavior, you are also more vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights. You may also be involved in abusive relationships, either as the abuser or the abused.

If you find yourself relating (strongly) to any of the symptoms listed in this post, please go and speak to your doctor about this so you can get the proper help. Don’t leave it untreated as it can only make things worse. Don’t be ashamed or afraid to see a doctor/psychiatrist. They are there to help.

Any questions? Feel free to comment on this post or message me privately!

**This text was taken from the Mayo Clinic website. I do now own this text.

Rejection

That one thing that everyone has experienced at least one time or another in their lives. It’s never much fun and it really sucks, to be honest.

So a few days ago I did something that terrifies the hell out of me, I asked a guy for his number.

It was after midnight and I was standing at the train station when I saw a train conductor that was just getting off work. I was having a smoke when he started chatting me up. People (read: men) chat me up all the time and I generally walk away but he was cute so I stayed.

Dude was talking and talking. Asking questions and basically showing an interest in me. So yeah, my brain then picks up certain signals (or was I imagining them?!) and we both got into the train. We got separated because his coworkers saw him and they all went off to sit together.

After 10 whole minutes of pacing the train’s corridor I finally walked up to him and asked him if I could borrow him for a second. “You can do this!! Worst case scenario: he says no and you just go to the other part of the train, you won’t see him ever again! Come on! You can do this! Let’s be all YOLO about it!” Is what I kept repeating to myself as I walked up to him.

“May I ask you something? May I have your number?”, I asked while barely being able to look him in the eyes.

“Oh, wow! Really?! Oh wow! Sweetie, I am so sorry but I already have a girlfriend, otherwise I really would have given you my number!! Definitely!! You’re so sweet, thank you!” He replied.

It’s a good thing that my caramel skin hid the fact that I felt like my entire head had turned red. I just nodded and walked away as fast as I could without it seeming like I was running away.

That’s when it kicked in. “What were you thinking? Of course he has a girlfriend”. And my all time favorite kicked in as well: “Of course he turned you down, nobody wants you. Just another rejection to add to your life. Nobody wants you, you’ll forever be alone”.

As these thoughts haunted me while I paced up and down that train corridor, I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. Within a matter of minutes (2 minutes!!) this quickly turned into pure anger. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why are you fucking crying right now?! Crying is weak! You can’t be weak!!!”.

Next thing you know I was walking home at 1.30am with a million thoughts in my head and dried up tears on my cheeks.

I still can’t believe that I asked him for his number. My fear of rejection is right up there with my crippling fear of abandonment and my social anxiety. It took all of the courage that I had in me to do what I did. And it’s funny because I am 24, turning 25 in less than a month, and I can’t even ask a guy for his number. At least not face to face, online is much easier. Go team Introvert. #IntrovertsUnite. Lol.

But hey, just another night, just another rejection….

Oh look, I’ve ventured into Social Media. Yikes!

Hey!

Journey Through BPD now has a FB page AND a Twitter account. Kudos for me. lol.

Go ahead and look, it’s still a bit empty but I am working on it! And in the mean time, like, comment, share!!

https://twitter.com/JourneyBPD

https://journeythroughbpd.wordpress.com/

I’m here, I’m a downer, get used to it

I have thought about this long and hard (lol) and I’ve come to a conclusion.

I have tried the “happy go lucky-life is awesome-unicorns and fairy dust” thing and it is just not in me. I feel like a liar when I act like that.

I am me, flaws and all. I can be (extremely) negative and a total downer at times but I am also a very good and caring person. I am the type of person that would give a shoeless person the shoes off of my feet. So yeah, maybe I moan and whine a lot, it’s my outlet.

I know that interaction with me can be hard at times and all I can say is that I do all that I can, I do my best, I can’t do much more. I have decided that I will no longer pretend. Not for anyone. I am me, I am who I am, I am not perfect.

I am now 24 and I’ve changed a lot, especially compared to say 5/6 years ago. The old me was much worse, believe me.

If I consider you my friend, then please, don’t take that for granted because that means that I would go through hell and back for you.

I don’t do what I do because I expect something in return, I do it because I was raised right by my Grandmother and because I am a good person. So don’t take my kindness as a weakness and do not take it for granted either.

This is me, and I’m here to stay.

Sorry, not sorry.

Let’s stay in the dark

I know that I joke around a lot but all jokes aside for one second. Let me have a moment of your time.

I don’t like the way that things are. I do not like the way that people act. I am fully aware of the fact that I am merely 1 person and that I can’t change much (or anything?) so no need to point that out. But I’m having a wee bit of a soapbox moment so hear me out.

The world is a horrible place and it is all getting worse by the day. People ask me why I stay in my “no news” bubble and it’s because I don’t want to know what is going on out there. But unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, I still pick up bits of news from all around me. I can read a newspaper headline and I am instantly bummed out. I’m so freaking sensitive to my surroundings (yaay for BPD) that it really gets me upset and in a frenzy, so I do my best to avoid it all.

This world is going down the crapper, extremely fast too. The earth is being destroyed. People are dropping dead left and right. Human beings killing their fellow man. I could go on and on, that’s how long the list is.

Today I watched my aunt break into tears because she is so worried about her son in Liberia and the fact that Ebola is spreading like wildfire. While she bugs the living daylight out of me, it did something to me, to see her crying like that. Look at everything that is going on in the world, it honestly makes me wonder sometimes if the world truly may be coming to an end.

It frustrates me so much that I can’t just snap my fingers and make everything go away. Who am I but just one person in a world with billions?

I just want to hide in a cave and never come out. I just don’t want to deal with people, they aggravate me a lot. I don’t want to deal with the world. I don’t want to see all the pain and sorrow. I have enough of my own.

If anyone is selling a cave, holla at a sista.