Tag Archives: love

Together we stand

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The well is dry
No more tears left to cry
I can’t do no more
My entire body is sore
Lost is how I feel
I no longer know how to deal
Sometimes I think that I do
But to be honest, I haven’t the slightest clue

I want to spare her the pain
Of all the emotional strain
To kiss her gently and make it go away
But all I can do is be here and stay

No matter how hard that is
There is nothing I can do but this

Forever bound by blood
Together we will survive this emotional flood….

-CHF

*Journey Through BPD*

Swirl

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My next piece is coming up soon, I am just currently suffering from FMLitis and am therefore quite blocked. So in the mean time, I managed to throw this one out there, I was thinking about it. Might give you a good laugh!

For those of you that are not familiar with the term “Swirl”.

Swirl
“Jungle Fever… black people and white people having sex.”
“She’s down with the swirl”

I’m in a funny mood so I thought I’d put this out there. If you’re easily offended or touchy, don’t read this. Lol. Oh and none of this is meant to sound bitter/racist or whatever. It’s just all in good fun. And yes, I’ve had actual white men say these things to me.

I’m gonna call this one: “Things I’ve had white guys say to me and assume about me, without even knowing me”.

1. “Is it true? Do black guys really have huge dicks?”
– Why would you assume that I’ve dated black guys and only black guys?

2. “I hear that black women are wild in bed”
– Oh, are we now? And what do you base this theory on? One of ya boys told you? Just STFU.

3. “Can I touch your hair? It’s fake, isn’t it? Is that what they call a weave?”
– First of all, it’s “may I touch your hair” and no, you may not! So all black women have fake hair huh?

4. “Have you ever been with a white guy before?”
– Yeah, seriously, go right ahead and assume that I have only dated black guys. It must be so!

5. “I’ve always loved black women but they never want me”
– Did you try talking to them? Oh, I guess not eh? You see us and assume that we only date black guys so you don’t even bother and then you go around claiming that we’re not approachable.

6. “I’ve never been with a black woman before but I love black women, always have!”
– Sweetheart, I am not (nor will I ever be) someone’s experiment. Either you’ve been into black women your entire life and you’ve dated only black women, or you haven’t. I am not here so you can say “I had sex with/I dated a black woman”. But hey, since you love us so much, why haven’t you been with any of us? If you love us so much why are you married to a white woman?

Now, I’ve had plenty of conversations with my black female friends that swirl and most of them (if not all) have encountered the exact same thing. So I know I’m not coocoo. Lol. Anyone on here bump into anything similar to this? (or maybe even the exact same thing).

I must say that *my* answers were given from a different perspective. I’ve swirled my entire life. First boyfriend? white Chocolate. First kiss? White Chocolate. First time sex? White Chocolate. Get the picture? I’m not one of those “ermahgerd, I’ve seen the light, I might try swirling” types. Or the ones I REALLY love “I’m tired of dating these broke ass brotha’s, let me try out a white guy”.

This piece was written from a true Swirler’s** perspective. White guys is not an experiment for me, dare I say it’s a way of life?
** This does not mean that this Swirler hasn’t tasted anything other than White Chocolate!

Get over him!

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My logic is at it again, it’s telling me to get over him. Let’s call him “D”. My logic is telling me to get over D because I know that nothing is gonna happen between us ever again. He stomped all over my heart last month and even though I haven’t processed any of it, I should get over him. I believe the saying goes…

“The best way to get over a man is to get under another one”

That saying always makes me chuckle, but it has a certain element of truth to it. So 2 nights ago I had a date with Kevin and last night he asked me to be his girlfriend (see previous post “L’amour”) and I said yes. I am being all pro active and jumping right in, for more than 1 reason. But one of the reasons is that I truly *am* trying to move on and get over D so we can go back to being the good friends that we have always been. Lately I don’t speak to him as much as I used to, he’s extremely busy and honestly, every time I speak to him I just wanna go back to the way things were. But my logical side knows that this is not possible, my BPD side tends to angrily stomp her feet and disagree.

I was online and I decided to google the best ways to get over someone. I came across the following 5 points:

  1. Cut off all contact
  2. No sleeping with him either
  3. Go ahead and wallow
  4. Think about what went wrong (and right)
  5. Put yourself first

Cut off all contact? I’ve considered this but I simply can’t, for many reasons. The biggest reason being the fact that we’ve been very good friends ever since I was like 16 years old. He truly is my best friend (or at least I’d like to think so), despite the fact that he has stomped all over my heart. Sorry, bitterness crept in for a second there. The second reason being that he is my lawyer and he’s handling a case for me. And last but not least, the third reason being: I simply don’t want to. Ha. Or at least my BPD side doesn’t want to. I have to find a way to deal with the hurt and the pain and somehow “get over it” so I can move on and we can go back to being regular (but good) friends. I won’t ever forget, because I never do, that’s just how I am. I am also not going to forgive him because the word “forgive” simply isn’t in my vocabulary.

No sleeping with him either? Gosh, must I really? Damn, I understand. But sometimes I still have a weak moment and I find myself messaging him “Wanna hook up?”. Fortunately for me (but my BPD side does NOT agree with this), he keeps turning me down and saying that we shouldn’t, that we should go back to being good friends instead. And you know what happens then? Despite the fact that my logical side KNOWS that he’s right, my BPD side immediately feels extremely rejected and lashes out at him. This has basically happened about once a week ever since the big break up. So yeah, maybe with time this will fade, let’s hope so, or something like that.

Go ahead and wallow! Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I wallowed alright, I wallowed good! It actually felt more like my insides were being ripped out by his bare hands, along with my heart. I let myself be completely devastated the night he broke up with me but after that I simply pushed it all away into this little “box” that I keep deep down inside of me. I had broken down completely, I even fell off the “self harm wagon” and I decided to just push all the feelings and thoughts away, stuff it into the little box inside of me and continue with my life. I had no other choice to be honest.

Think about what went wrong (and right). Oh yeah, I’ve completed this step. I spent an entire evening contemplating this very issue. It didn’t get me very far to be honest. I thought of all the good times we had, I smiled about it, took a trip down memory lane and at the end of that lane all the bad times were waiting for me. We had a nice chat and I left.

Put myself first. I seem to have arrived at the last step. I have problems putting myself first, well no, actually I don’t. I simply always choose to put others first because I am currently taking care of everyone around me (Grandmother and my Aunt) so I barely have time to myself. Like, at all. Yesterday I was faced with the consequences of this, my health is being affected by all the stress that comes with it so I have decided to not choose anyone else over myself and just do ME! So in the spirit of that I have decided to try and go into this new “adventure” with Kevin with a clear head and an open mind. I am actually going to do my best and hope that this works out with him and that it will hopefully help me get over D. The thought of Kevin being a rebound has indeed crossed my mind (as it may be crossing yours right now) but I’ve thought it over and I truly do like Kevin so I don’t see him as a rebound. I am tired of being so obsessed over D, I need to move on with my life.

So in the spirit of completing the 5th step I am going out tonight with my new boyfriend (still getting used to saying that and I am fighting the urge to put quotation marks around it) and I can only hope that this thing we have going will go well so I can finally chalk up a big “I” on my “good experiences in love” side of the board! At the risk of sounding like an optimist, that is….

L’amour

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Have you ever had any good experiences in love, or were they all bad?

That’s what this guy asked me while we were talking just now. I met up with him yesterday for drinks and we really hit it off, I had a great time, we have a lot in common and we both want the same things.

Today he told me that he wants me to be his girlfriend. I know right? I said that I’d love to, but I will always have one foot in the door, ready to run at a moment’s notice.

My fears seeped through into our conversation today as I said “I hope that you are serious about this and not just yanking my chain”. Next thing you know I’m blathering on like a total idiot and I had to shut myself up. It was obvious that this took him by surprise. That’s when he asked me the question as stated above.

At first I was all “wow, what a question!?” But then I thought about it and I’ve never had anyone ask me that before and the more I thought about it the more it became very clear: “No, I have not had any good experiences with love”. Somehow saying it out loud and admitting to it made it “real” and I finally really thought about it.

I have never had a good experience with love. Just earlier this evening I was reading Levi’s letter that came today and one of the things we were discussing was the subject of love. Whether or not we had ever truly been in love. I was sitting behind my laptop and writing back to Levi, telling him that I often thought that I was truly in love with someone but now that I look back on it, I’m not so sure that I really was. I believe that I felt in love at the time but that I honestly don’t think that it was real and true love. Then again, what is love? “Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me.. No more”. Yeah, sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Moving on. How does one even know if they truly love someone or if they are truly IN love with someone? I have thought about this a lot but I still can’t seem to come up with a good answer. So exactly how is one to find love if they won’t even recognize it once they do? It’s like looking for something but you have no idea what you’re looking for. For all you know love could be staring you in the face and you wouldn’t even know it.

So here I am, wondering if whatever I have going on with this guy will lead to anything or not. Because to be honest, I had given up all hope (not that I had that much to begin with) on finding someone and the whole fantasy of the husband, big house with 30 dogs. I know right? 24 and already giving up. But that only goes to show you how little faith I have in this thing called “love”.

And then in stumbles this guy, Kevin. I am really trying not to get ahead of myself, not to scare him off with my fears and insecurities. Yuck. I can’t even admit to that out loud. I typed and deleted the word “insecurities” 5 times before I let it stay. That’s how much I don’t want to admit to having any (insecurities). If I do that then I would see myself as weak and I just can’t do that.

I told him that I would do my best not to let my issues (mostly my deathly fear of abandonment) get between us and hopefully this might work out between us. Tonight he asked me to be his girlfriend, which I found extremely cute, I accepted and now the game really begins…

Will this work out or will I end up once more with a broken heart, shattered to pieces? Is my GPS still broken or will I finally find the way to “happy”?…

L’amour is an evil mistress…

Overflow

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Heart:

“You can’t change the way he feels”.

Well, I sure wish that I could. Then at least he would finally open his eyes and love me back. He will finally see all that I do for him, how I would give my right arm to see him happy. How I put my own needs aside, just to make sure that he’s happy. I need him to really SEE me, to really KNOW that I’m there and that we would be so great together. So he can see how he is my entire world…

Logic:

Stop being so obsessed about him. He loves you but he isn’t in love with you. He said so himself. Get over it! Stop being so pathetic! You’re a grown ass woman, you have to be strong! Stop caring!

Heart:

But I love him so, he is so amazing.

Logic:

Get over him! Forget all about him! He doesn’t want you!

Heart:

I know, but I don’t care. I love him.

Logic:

Stop caring.

Heart:

I can’t…

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