Ho ho ho and a bottle of beer

3 hours into Christmas earlier today and my family was already getting on my nerves.

Is it some kind of unwritten rule that family drama must ensue during holidays??!

Tomorrow my cousin is coming over to Granny’s house to cook and he’s basically invited like 20 freaking people. I have no desire whatsoever to go and be social and shit, let alone with 20+ people. Yuck. Family members no less. Christmas mostly feels like an obligation, to be honest. And this is why I informed everyone that I would not be joining the “fun”. Then my aunt decided to yell at me. She literally told me “It’s Christmas. Even if you don’t like each other, you just pretend. At least until Christmas is over”. Yeah, ah.. Nah? Nothing against my family (mostly?) but the last thing I need is to PRETEND to like each other and stand there and be asked the following questions by family members that I haven’t seen in years:

-“You looking fat oh. You pregnant?”
-“Have you gained weight?”

Or the very well known:

-“Why you spoiling yourself like that oh? Why you putting all those tattoos on your body like that oh!? You used to be such a fine girl!”

And the ones I truly hate:

-“How’s your mom?”
Me: “I wouldn’t know. Don’t care”.
-“OH, what you mean you don’t know? She your mother!!”
Me “Nah.. Not really…”
-“No, no, no Conchita, you can’t behave like that oh! Your mother is your mother”..

That is usually the point where I’d grab the nearest wine bottle and just chug the entire thing.

So yeah… My bed, a cold beer and I shall be having a lovely 2nd Christmas day tomorrow!

Not gonna be forced to play nice and act social all day ๐Ÿ‘

#GrinchMode

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My clock just doesn’t tick….

This morning something funny happened, I just had to share it with you guys.

Early morning breakfast conversation:

Me: “Yeah, I don’t ever want to have kids”.

Aunt: “WHAT?! But why not?”

Me: “Because I don’t want to”.

Aunt: “But there is nothing wrong with your eggs! You can have children! At least have 1 and be done with it”.

Me: “I do not WANT to have kids!!!!!!”

Aunt: “But how is that possible?!”

Me: “Sigh, we have this conversation at least 4 times a year and every time it’s like your brain can’t accept what I am saying, or rather, won’t accept what I am saying”.

Aunt: “You are a woman! You have to have kids!!!”

Me: “What law states that I have to have kids because I am a woman??”

Aunt: “It is just the way it is!!! You are a woman and that is your job and purpose in life! To have children!!”

My 11 year old sister (that I take care of full time!!): “So I won’t be an aunt?”

Me: “Sure you will! To my 30 dogs!”

Aunt: “M, she is going to have children, even if I have to force her!!”

Me: “Oh, so you’re going to force me ah? I’d like to see you try, last time I checked it was still MY life and MY womb”.

Aunt: “God and I will make you! You just wait and see”.

Me: “Here, have some more bacon. It’s really healthy. Have loads!”

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜’

This morning I was apparently transported back to the 1950’s!! Lol. The nerve of some people.

Yes, I am indeed a woman. No, I am not obligated to have children.

Yes, it is and always will be MY choice.
No, it will never be anyone’s else’s choice.

Yes, I like children.
No, I do not wish to have any of my own.

Happiness (in life) does not depend on whether or not I pass a kid through my lady parts.

My aunt is not the first to go off on me like that because of my decision not to have kids. People like her need to mind their own business and accept that it’s my decision and not theirs.

My all time favorite has always been “Oh you don’t know what you are talking about. You’re still young, you will change your mind”. That shit cracks me up!!

I am 25 years old, I think that I am capable of making my own decisions. I made up my mind about not having kids when I was in my teens for fucks sake.

#TeamNoKids #life #MyBodyMyChoice #LeaveMyWombAlone

Oink oink

A lot of people I know like to refer to the police as “pigs”. They should refer to men as pigs, because that’s what the majority of them are pigs.ย Please note how I did not say that ALL men are pigs, because we all know there is going to be at least 1 man out there that is gonna get butthurt over it.ย 

Here is an example of a conversation that I had earlier today with this guy online…

Dude: “How are you?”
Me: “I’m feeling hella crappy. Miserable”
Dude: “I’ve got the cure for that!”
Me: “And that is?”
Dude: “It’s in my pants”
Me: “Sigh. Just go away. Fuck off”

Dude: “Come on! My big dick will make you feel better!”

Me: *blocks*

I love it how men seem to think that sex can cure anything that ails you.

โ€ช#โ€Žfuckingretardsโ€ฌ

This is nothing, this is tame, I’ve had worse conversations before. Two days ago I went out with this guy that been on my case to go out with him. Out of sheer boredom (read: avoiding my schoolwork) I decided to meet up with him. Everything was going good and then he decided to let the crazy out.

Thomas: “Did you know that one of Obama’s Secret Service Agents is an alien!? I saw the guy on YouTube!”

Me: ” Oh really? Okay…”

Thomas: “Yeah man, aliens exist! Haven’t you ever wondered why we don’t have an amusement park on the moon?! The system is controlling us! The government is telling lies just to control us! All the history that we were taught in school is all fake!!”

Me: “I have a headache, could you please take me home now?”

The second I got home I blocked him everywhere. I haven’t even posted all that he said, and he said a lot! All that was missing was a tinfoil hat.

They say that there are “plenty fish in the sea”, what they failed to mention was that all the fish are fucking creepers-psychos-stalkers-idiots-cray cray. I’ve often wondered if I have an invisible sign on my forehead that says “Crazy? Creepy? (emotional) issues? Mommy issues? Immature? Come right over!”. In my 25 years on this earth I have yet to attract a normal (I know, what’s normal?) guy. Someone please remove this invisible sign from my forehead. Thanks!

Suffice it to say that I’ve accepted my fate a long time ago. The way I see it my life can only go 1 of 2 ways:

1. Become a nun

2. They’ll find my body 4 weeks later, with my 30 dogs by my side

So yeah, the dating pool: filled with mutated fish!

Can’t.even.

It’s almost 2am and it’s yet another sleepless night. It’s been like this for weeks now but it’s worse now that I’ve started taking Ritalin. I started 2 nights ago. I am just waiting for this to pass and that it really starts working.

Right now I just feel so WEIRD. I am exhausted, in every way possible. I seriously feel drained. I just want to throw in the towel with everything and just hide in a cave forever. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.

I can’t even write more than this right now. I just want peace and quiet…

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Who do I want to be?

I have an assigment for school that’s due May 15th and I have yet to start on it. Mostly because I’m having trouble answering a very big question.

A part of this assignment is to talk about “who” we are and “what” we want to become, what we want to do with our lives. How am I supposed to answer that if I barely know who I am? So you can imagine why I’m stuck at the moment.

One of the major symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is not having a sense of self. Having issues with our “self image”. My entire life I have wondered who I really am. Is the real me under all the masks that I wear every day or is the real me the ultimate chameleon? The one constantly putting on a different face, all just to get through the day? And what if I take away all the masks and look at who’s under it? Will I like what I see or will I run away screaming? This is a huge fear of mine, but nonetheless, I am forever on a quest to find and meet this real me. I need to figure this out if I am ever going to answer the “Who do I want to be?” Question. How can I say who I want to be if I don’t know who I am?

This may be the bottle of bubbly speaking or the benzo’s that I took earlier but I feel that I need to figure this out and for real this time.

I am 24 years old and I have no idea who I am or what I want to become. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up and it’s quite nerve wracking. I feel like I am at that age where I should have it all figured out by now. I have no idea where I want to be 10 years from now, I know nothing and for a control freak it’s like my worst nightmare.

As stated before, I need to figure this out. But how am I going to do that? Let alone before May 15th? Do I just put down some jibber jabber and phone it in or do I really put an effort into it? I may not be a world famous author but I do pride myself on whatever small piece I may write.

At this point I feel like my assignment is going to be a very detailed insight into me and how/what I think. I will just have to be honest and write from there. And in the mean time I am going to have to do a lot of soul searching and try to find out who I am.

If you come across me, somewhere out there, do me a favor and let me know. I’d love to meet the real me, it’s been much too long…

Cheetah, Cheetah, wherefore art thou, Cheetah?

Alive or just breathing?

Hi everyone,

In case anyone was wondering, I’m still here. Still debating with myself whether or not that is a bad or a good thing. Nevertheless, I am still here.

A lot has been going on lately (doesn’t it always?) and I feel like I am slowly, but surely, slipping away into this very dark place, the same place that I was before. I didn’t like that place very much. It was the lowest point of my depression. I would show you just how low but some might perceive those images as “shocking”.

I kinda broke down during one of my therapy sessions 2 weeks ago. It just all came out and it surprised both of us. Mostly my therapist, she’d rarely ever seen me show any emotion/seem vulnerable. I always “flip the switch” and mosey on with my life. I have to flip that switch, I’ve got too many people depending on me, so many responsibilities. I still continue to put others first before thinking about myself, despite being perfectly capable of saying “no”. But it’s honestly like I have no choice. Theoretically, I do, but the fact of the matter remains that I am not the type of person that just walks away from her loved ones and let’s them “figure it out”. Especially when it comes to my Grandma, her own daughter is off roaming the world playing “does your penis fit inside this hole?” With every guy she meets, too busy being a selfish cunt that she doesn’t even take care of her own mother, let alone her children. I am 24 years old, I don’t need her but my younger siblings need a real and proper mother. I do my very best with them and I have been there for them since the moment they were born but I can never be their real mother. Despite the fact that it takes a lot more than just blood to be a real mother.

So here I am, 24 years old, battling a shit load of my own demons and taking care of everyone around me. Everyone but myself. I try to make enough me time whenever I can, but something always comes up. It just does.

My lovely demons are getting worse by the day. Sometimes I feel like I won’t be able to win this battle, I feel like it will rage on within me for the rest of my life. This is not something that I’ve been looking forward to. It really has been getting worse, I start to bounce around like an 8-year-old with ADHD at least four times a week. It’s like there is a bouncy ball filled with a million different thoughts and emotions, bouncing around in my head and it wants to get out but it just keeps bouncing up off the walls, trying to find a way to escape but failing miserably every time.

Let’s just call these moments “attacks”. When this happens I’m not able to concentrate, I’m not able to sit still, I then feel like a storm is raging inside of me and it won’t stop. None of my regular outlets help in these moments. Just this past week it happened three nights. This is more than usual. So you can imagine how frustrating this is for me.

In those moments it honestly feels like I’m going mad, like I’m manic somehow. I have to force myself to find some kind of distraction otherwise I won’t be able to sleep at all and I end up extremely exhausted the next day. Not to mention the fact that when I get these “attacks” that I have to summon up every ounce of self control that I have, in order to resist cutting. Because in those moments a (big) part of me just wants to cut. Like cutting will somehow release the pressure. Imagine having a pressure cooker that is about ready and about to blow if you don’t do something soon. Taking the lid off lets off the pressure and stops it from exploding. Cutting is the equivalent of “taking the lid off” for me. My mind is like a fucking pressure cooker and it’s no fun, I’ll tell you that.

I am honestly quite tired of all of this. And this is just the tip of the fucking iceberg…

There is a quote that I like. I in fact have it hanging on my bedroom wall. It really speaks to me, on so many different levels.

I am only trying to make sense of this war inside of my head

How many of us have ever felt this way? Be it for just a moment or an entire day. Maybe even an entire life time? I often feel like my mind is some kind of book, written in a language that I can’t seem to understand. It makes me feel helpless, if that makes sense at all.

Okay, I would love to continue writing right now but it’s time to “flip the switch”, leave the safety of my bed and start my day.

Wish me luck….