Papa, Où es-tu?

I don’t understand why you constantly seek confirmation from me?

That’s the last thing he said to me last night before I completely shut down. And now I am ignoring him. I felt rejected, misunderstood and hurt. All from that one sentence. He always knows what to say to completely bring me down, even though it’s not his intention. And I know that, at least my logical side knows that. My other side doesn’t, or at least doesn’t want to accept it.

He is always honest with me, whether I like what he has to say or not. A lot of times I take what he says the wrong way and I feel hurt by him. It’s like I am extra sensitive with him. It’s probably because we have that special kind of “bond”. A bond that I treasure and fear all at the same time. He is the only one that I am this close to and a lot of times it scares me. Every time I open up and get close to someone they end up hurting and leaving me. Silly, right? I’m 24 years old but I often still feel like that 6 year old little girl, watching her mother walk out that door once more. But that’s an issue for another time.

After he said this to me I got very angry and I just shut down. It’s the next day and I am still ignoring him, even though he probably doesn’t even realize it. Every time I close down and stop all communication with him it usually takes him a full day to realize that I’ve been quiet and then he comes to me. Men, gotta love their logic.

Once I calmed down I got to thinking, why do I constantly seek confirmation from him? Every time he is really busy (which is 99.9% of the time) and I don’t speak to him as often as usual, I feel rejected and hurt. He is aware of this, but there is nothing he can do about it. Only I can. And even then, I can’t help feeling that way, as I have often explained to him. My “logical” and  “rational” side knows that he is very busy and that he is not rejecting me but my “other” side, my “BPD side” aka my “emotional” side doesn’t see it that way. That side of me doesn’t want to accept what the “logical” and “rational” side has no problem accepting. That other side of me wants his constant and undivided attention. That other side of me wants him to show me constant affection. That other side of me wants him to love me unconditionally, as more than just a “very close and special friend”.

All of this, all of these emotions are very confusing for me, especially because I am not stupid, far from it. It’s extra hard for me because I am very well aware of the fact that all of the above will not happen. Ever. A part of me continues to hope that one day it will change and that it will happen but I am perfectly aware of the fact that it most likely won’t. That’s why I suppress these feelings of hope that I keep deep down inside of me. Hope kills. That’s just how it is. You hope and you end up getting let down and hurt.

A few days ago I sent him some “special” pictures of myself (as I often do), I didn’t get the reaction that I wanted and of course I immediately felt rejected. Even more so when he said the following…

Find a buddy!!! One with time!!

Boy, did that hurt! It was like someone punched me in the gut. He is always saying stuff like that, constantly pushing me away. Saying how he meant it in a “good way”. Regardless of what he meant, of course my brain sees it as rejection. I fucking hate the fact that it does. If my brain didn’t perceive it that way I would have far less heartache. I can tell you that much!

So why is it that I seek confirmation from him constantly? As I told my therapist at our session this morning: “Aside from being sexually intimate with him, I see him as a sort of ‘father figure’, whether I like it or not. I constantly feel like I have to please him, make him happy. I changed the way I dress, the way I look and everything. Just because I knew that he’d like it. So maybe I do have some serious daddy issues (hey, look at his age, he’s 22 years older than I am), but I just can’t bring myself to say it out loud and to admit it. Once you say it out loud it becomes true”. 

It’s like I need him to be aroused by me, to want me (physically) and to tell and show me this, for me to be able to feel  “safe” somehow. It’s like I need his (constant) reassurance that he thinks that I’m sexy, that he thinks that I am beautiful, that the very sight of me makes things stir in his lower body. It’s fucking ridiculous! Especially because I know that he sees me as more than “just a body”. He told me that he wanted to “talk” and just “hang out” next week and it made me mad. I was livid. I felt rejected, like he didn’t want me. My fucked up twisted mind seems to think (feel) that as long as he wants me that he won’t leave me. For once he actually wants to talk and I take it as a rejection. My brain fucking hates me, that’s how it feels like.

I often “confuse” lust with love. And I am very well aware of this, but I ignore it and just take the lust, because, hey, that’s all I can get apparently. So when I’m messing around with him (or anyone else in my entire life) I just pretend that that person really likes me and loves me, despite the fact that he’s currently sucking on my breast and his hand is down my pants. I just let myself live that lovely illusion, even if it’s just for until he comes and we’re done. I’m not stupid, I’m very well aware of what I do but I often choose to just ignore it for that moment, to just “enjoy” it. The same way I ignore the fact that he isn’t in love with me,  I just push it to the back of my head and dive in, head first and make lust! I can deal with reality once I’ve put my clothes back on and I’m on my way home.

He is the one person whose opinion I (apparently!) give a fuck about so I (apparently!) often find myself “morphing” into whomever he wants me to be. I do whatever it takes to make him happy, I do whatever it takes to not see a look of disappointment on his face, I do whatever it takes to get his “a-okay” thumbs up.

Wow, this is actually the first time that I’ve admitted to any of this. I’m fucking ridiculous. I hate the fact that I feel any of this, because in my eyes it makes me “weak”. And I can’t afford to be weak, I need to be strong. I won’t accept “weak”. Weak is when you’re most vulnerable and when you get hurt the most.

Man, my mind is all over the place, I’m pretty sure that I started this post out by wondering why I seek constant confirmation from him. But this goes to show you: this is merely a fraction of how it is in my head constantly, every minute of every day. Awesome, right?

He often tries to push me away, to create distance between us, for us to go back to being “regular” friends. But I think that he fails to realize that we can’t go back to being “regular” friends. At least I know that I can’t. While a big part of me knows that I should just walk away, I can’t and I won’t. Call me a glutton for punishment, an emotional masochist if you may, ha. Yeah, that about describes me. But please, don’t get me wrong: It’s not all pain and hurt with him. We’ve had many great and amazing moments. Ask me about those when I’m in a good and ecstatic mood and I will surely discuss it in length. Like the way it feels when he looks me in the eyes and just smiles at me, how my entire face lights up when he does that. How it feels when he puts his hands around my face and gently puts his lips on mine, le sigh. But I digress.

So let’s see, Why do I constantly seek his confirmation? Oh, I guess I know! It’s probably because I have a severe “Electra Complex”, aka “Daddy Issues”. He has always been there when I needed him and I apparently clung on to him for dear life, constantly afraid of him leaving me forever.

Oh well, at least I’m aware of all of this, beats being in denial about it. I guess that I will just have to come to terms with this and learn how to deal with it. In the words of Carl Gustav Jung….

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely”

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