Alive or just breathing?

Hi everyone,

In case anyone was wondering, I’m still here. Still debating with myself whether or not that is a bad or a good thing. Nevertheless, I am still here.

A lot has been going on lately (doesn’t it always?) and I feel like I am slowly, but surely, slipping away into this very dark place, the same place that I was before. I didn’t like that place very much. It was the lowest point of my depression. I would show you just how low but some might perceive those images as “shocking”.

I kinda broke down during one of my therapy sessions 2 weeks ago. It just all came out and it surprised both of us. Mostly my therapist, she’d rarely ever seen me show any emotion/seem vulnerable. I always “flip the switch” and mosey on with my life. I have to flip that switch, I’ve got too many people depending on me, so many responsibilities. I still continue to put others first before thinking about myself, despite being perfectly capable of saying “no”. But it’s honestly like I have no choice. Theoretically, I do, but the fact of the matter remains that I am not the type of person that just walks away from her loved ones and let’s them “figure it out”. Especially when it comes to my Grandma, her own daughter is off roaming the world playing “does your penis fit inside this hole?” With every guy she meets, too busy being a selfish cunt that she doesn’t even take care of her own mother, let alone her children. I am 24 years old, I don’t need her but my younger siblings need a real and proper mother. I do my very best with them and I have been there for them since the moment they were born but I can never be their real mother. Despite the fact that it takes a lot more than just blood to be a real mother.

So here I am, 24 years old, battling a shit load of my own demons and taking care of everyone around me. Everyone but myself. I try to make enough me time whenever I can, but something always comes up. It just does.

My lovely demons are getting worse by the day. Sometimes I feel like I won’t be able to win this battle, I feel like it will rage on within me for the rest of my life. This is not something that I’ve been looking forward to. It really has been getting worse, I start to bounce around like an 8-year-old with ADHD at least four times a week. It’s like there is a bouncy ball filled with a million different thoughts and emotions, bouncing around in my head and it wants to get out but it just keeps bouncing up off the walls, trying to find a way to escape but failing miserably every time.

Let’s just call these moments “attacks”. When this happens I’m not able to concentrate, I’m not able to sit still, I then feel like a storm is raging inside of me and it won’t stop. None of my regular outlets help in these moments. Just this past week it happened three nights. This is more than usual. So you can imagine how frustrating this is for me.

In those moments it honestly feels like I’m going mad, like I’m manic somehow. I have to force myself to find some kind of distraction otherwise I won’t be able to sleep at all and I end up extremely exhausted the next day. Not to mention the fact that when I get these “attacks” that I have to summon up every ounce of self control that I have, in order to resist cutting. Because in those moments a (big) part of me just wants to cut. Like cutting will somehow release the pressure. Imagine having a pressure cooker that is about ready and about to blow if you don’t do something soon. Taking the lid off lets off the pressure and stops it from exploding. Cutting is the equivalent of “taking the lid off” for me. My mind is like a fucking pressure cooker and it’s no fun, I’ll tell you that.

I am honestly quite tired of all of this. And this is just the tip of the fucking iceberg…

There is a quote that I like. I in fact have it hanging on my bedroom wall. It really speaks to me, on so many different levels.

I am only trying to make sense of this war inside of my head

How many of us have ever felt this way? Be it for just a moment or an entire day. Maybe even an entire life time? I often feel like my mind is some kind of book, written in a language that I can’t seem to understand. It makes me feel helpless, if that makes sense at all.

Okay, I would love to continue writing right now but it’s time to “flip the switch”, leave the safety of my bed and start my day.

Wish me luck….

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4 thoughts on “Alive or just breathing?

  1. Talk to your therapist about the “attacks”. They might actually be manic phases. You’re not always on a happy power high when you’re manic, it can feel like a bad energy trip, too, from what I’ve seen, and loads of bipolar people are first diagnosed with depression. Good luck.

    • Hi,

      I’m not bipolar. I’ve got borderline personality disorder and I know, it’s manic moments when I get like this. It happened for the first time last year and it scared the crap out of me. Lol. But yeah, thnx

      • As long as you know what’s happening to you. Next step is learning to control it… ha. Learning to control my panic attacks sounds easy compared to that (NB – it’s not). Best of luck anyway.

  2. hahha, honey, I know ALL about panic attacks! Been dealing with them since I was 12, so I feel your pain. It is indeed easier said than done! Thank you and good luck to you to with your panic attacks!

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