Who do I want to be?

I have an assigment for school that’s due May 15th and I have yet to start on it. Mostly because I’m having trouble answering a very big question.

A part of this assignment is to talk about “who” we are and “what” we want to become, what we want to do with our lives. How am I supposed to answer that if I barely know who I am? So you can imagine why I’m stuck at the moment.

One of the major symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is not having a sense of self. Having issues with our “self image”. My entire life I have wondered who I really am. Is the real me under all the masks that I wear every day or is the real me the ultimate chameleon? The one constantly putting on a different face, all just to get through the day? And what if I take away all the masks and look at who’s under it? Will I like what I see or will I run away screaming? This is a huge fear of mine, but nonetheless, I am forever on a quest to find and meet this real me. I need to figure this out if I am ever going to answer the “Who do I want to be?” Question. How can I say who I want to be if I don’t know who I am?

This may be the bottle of bubbly speaking or the benzo’s that I took earlier but I feel that I need to figure this out and for real this time.

I am 24 years old and I have no idea who I am or what I want to become. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up and it’s quite nerve wracking. I feel like I am at that age where I should have it all figured out by now. I have no idea where I want to be 10 years from now, I know nothing and for a control freak it’s like my worst nightmare.

As stated before, I need to figure this out. But how am I going to do that? Let alone before May 15th? Do I just put down some jibber jabber and phone it in or do I really put an effort into it? I may not be a world famous author but I do pride myself on whatever small piece I may write.

At this point I feel like my assignment is going to be a very detailed insight into me and how/what I think. I will just have to be honest and write from there. And in the mean time I am going to have to do a lot of soul searching and try to find out who I am.

If you come across me, somewhere out there, do me a favor and let me know. I’d love to meet the real me, it’s been much too long…

Cheetah, Cheetah, wherefore art thou, Cheetah?

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2 thoughts on “Who do I want to be?

  1. You are the chameleon and whatever’s underneath, too. Our masks represent the parts of us that are socially acceptable. That doesn’t mean they’re not parts of us. But they do hide other things, so next time you feel like you’re being fake, ask yourself how you would be acting if you were being “genuine”, and what that says about you.

    As fo what you want to become, I’m 28 and I still don’t have the answer to that – and I don’t have BPD. Once my boyfriend asked me a question that pierced the mask and made me really think, so I’ll ask you, maybe it’ll help:

    We make our own purpose in life, here on Earth. What are you here to accomplish?

    Don’t panic if the answer doesn’t come straight away, or changes. Write it all down. It’s all valid. I hope it helps.

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