My baby sisters are here for the weekend. They live at their dad’s house, since last summer. Every month our mother flies down to Amsterdam to see them for the weekend.

Today my sisters and I went shopping and we just baked a cake. We are about to go to the cinema to see Despicable 2 and then after that we’re having a BBQ with the neighbors. Unfortunately my mother will be present for all of this through out the entire day. But I’m quite good at ignoring her, even when we are in the same room, but I digress…

I love my sisters so much and I try to be there for them as much as I can. I don’t get to see them very often but they are always in my heart and mind.

The cake that I am baking is for my Grandmother, she said she wanted one, and what Granny wants, Granny gets! I love to make her happy! She’s the most important person in my life.

My sisters and their friend, helping me with the baking!

Taking my Grandma out for a little shopping trip and stroll!

I think that for us the line between “obsession” and “being in love” is very blurry.

I’m currently experiencing an array of emotions and desires. And it’s been “haunting” me for quite some time now. It has intensified over the last 2 weeks. I am trying to figure out if I am “in love” with this person or if I am merely “obsessed” with this person.

I spoke to my best friend about it and she told me to just “go with the flow”. I had to chuckle because she doesn’t realize how extremely HARD that is for me. I also spoke to him about it (Pieter, the one I am having all these feelings for), and he said he didn’t know WHAT these feelings were and WHY I am having them. He told me about the same as my best friend told me.

I have known Pieter for years (since I was 15, I am now 23). When I was about 18 we really became closer and over the course of the last few months we have become even MORE close than we already were. We have had sex tons of times in the past, but we haven’t had sex with each other for like almost 2 years now. We’ve slept in the same bed together, hung out, but no sex. Our relationship had just evolved to a more “friends” kinda thing. Even when we slept together we were friends btw. We were never in a relationship, he was married at the time. He’s 45, I’m 23, in case that matters somehow. He is also my lawyer. Aside from being my lawyer he’s my Partner in Crime, my best friend, my lover, you name it. LOL. He is the one person (aside from my Grandmother), that I KNOW I can ALWAYS depend on.

I started working for him at his law firm in April of this year. So this means that I see him MUCH more often than I used to. We’ve always been flirty and close, regardless of where we are, even though we tone it down for the office. I will often go sleep over at his house, usually when I really need to get away from my family.

So lately I have been experiencing these really intense feelings (for him). I find myself constantly thinking about him. He is in my dreams every single night. In all my dreams he is portrayed in a “protective” way. That’s another thing, I’ve come to see him sorta like a “father figure”, so that’s why it also wigs me out that I am sexually attracted to him, whilst seeing him in that light, LOL. As I was saying, in my dreams (and in real life), he is very protective of me. So on the one hand I see him as protective and like a “father figure” and on the other hand I see him as a very attractive man that I am (sexually) attracted to.

Aside from thinking about him 24/7 and dreaming about him every night I have also been having these really strong urges when I am around him. Whenever I am around him I get this INSANE urge to just TOUCH him. No matter where or how. I just have to touch him. And since we’re in the office most of the time, I can’t exactly always just touch him. Everyone here knows that we’re friends and have known each other for years, but they don’t know about anything else. I also always find myself thinking of things to do/ways to make him happy. He told me that he loved brownies, the next day I showed up at work with a tray of brownies that I baked. Just to see that smile on his face.

He is also the ONLY man in my entire life and that I have ever encountered that sees me for more than just a body and wants more than just sex from me. And whenever he sees/talks to me he will say (with this amazing smile on his face and an equally amazing voice), “hello sweety” or “hello my love”. And every single time I completely melt inside. The way he makes me feel is just… amazing I guess. I LOVE the way he makes me feel, I LOVE being around him, I LOVE talking to him. He never rejects me, he doesn’t talk bad to me, he does anything he can to make me happy. And mind you, I’m not in a relationship with him, we are just very close friends.

So I have really been struggling with these feelings as of late, because I really want to know what it is/define them. I have to define things, it’s how I am (and always will be). I don’t know if I’m just obsessed with him or if I’m in love with him and it’s driving me absolutely bonkers. I told him about all of this and he doesn’t know either. I do know that he feels the same way about me. We’ve never ever discussed being in a relationship together and I’m a bit scared to bring it up, so I probably won’t bring that up unless he does.

What is this, obsession or love?

I will never have that one special moment. That special moment where I walk into a big field, covered with candles and rose petals everywhere. Tchakovsky being performed by a string quartet in the background.

And there in the middle of it all, he stands tall in a beautiful tuxedo, a single red rose in his hands. Completely flabbergasted I will walk toward him, only to see him slowly going down on one knee.

Once I’m right in front of him he takes my hand in his, looks me deep in the eyes and says: “My love, I love you with my entire heart, you make me a better person, you complete me. You would make me the happiest man on earth if you would be my wife. Will you marry me?”. Utterly surprised and with tears welling up in my eyes, I softly whisper “Yes…, of course I will marry you!”.

He slides the ring onto my finger, stands up, takes me in his arms, holds me close and kisses me passionately. All the while lifting me up and twirling me around. And for those few seconds it’s like we’re the only two people in the world.

At that very moment I hear soft clapping, getting louder and louder. As he puts me down I wipe my tears and look around, only to find the smiling faces of all my friends and family. And with that, the most perfect night becomes even more perfect…

And this is the day that I will never have, I’m destined to be alone forever…

Lately I have really had to push all my feelings away. Bottle it up. Something bad happens? Just push it all away, bottle it up and don’t think about it. Why? Because I have to function properly and in order to do that I can’t be breaking down every 2 minutes.

So I push and push it away. I don’t deal with the situation, I don’t process whatever happened to me, I just push it all away. And a few weeks later it all comes out. A total explosion. All the emotions that I pushed away come back out. Like an emotion explosion. I completely break down. I rage, I cry, I have a massive panic attack, I feel like I am going to die. And then I wipe my tears and pick myself up. I calm down and put on my mask. I then face the world and pretend like everything is okay.

And then the cycle starts all over again….

Every few weeks it hits me that I am getting older and then I completely freak out and over analyze EVERYTHING (in my life). I’m also somehow changing/evolving, so I’ve noticed. And it’s kinda freaking me out a bit? Lol. Mostly because I don’t know what to make of it/do about it.

I find myself wanting and yearning for certain things. Different things. Things that I never thought I would want or even need. And again, I don’t know what to do with these feelings. They seem to be consuming me at times and that in turn confuses me even more.

I feel like I need to be working on these things now, in order to have it X amount of years from now. Having a great relationship, being married and everything else that I seem to be wanting now, doesn’t happen over night. So I suddenly feel “rushed” somehow. And mind you, I’m “only” almost 24. As many people around me keep saying “you have plenty of time”. But it doesn’t feel that way for me. It feels like I’m running out of time already. Because to achieve all these things, it takes TIME. If only it did indeed happen overnight.

So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m freaking out over the fact that I am getting older and seem to be changing, wanting different things. Even though I realize that this is considered to be pretty normal…

And yet here I am, over analyzing and freaking out…

Dear reality,

I don’t want you. Give me my fairy tale please. I want singing birds that help you do the laundry. I want candle sticks with French accents. I want Jamaican crabs doing the limbo. I want flying magic carpets that will take me around the world. I want to lose my glass slipper at a ball. I want a prince to wake me up from my eternal slumber with a single kiss. I want to throw my hair out of my high tower, so my prince can climb up it and rescue me.

I want my fairy tale, dammit! So reality, you can kiss my beautiful big brown ass.

kthnxbai

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (among other things). I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Major Depression, Mysophobia, Agoraphobia, DPD (Depersonalization Disorder) and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). I know, it’s a lot. Most of these disorders I am able to control with the help of medication. A few years ago I wouldn’t leave the house (despite medication I often still  have a problem leaving the house). I wouldn’t shake people’s hands, use the same utensils others used, I couldn’t touch damn near ANYTHING. I couldn’t stand being touched by people, hugged or otherwise. I still can’t deal with hugs properly. I freeze up when someone hugs me. I only feel safe being hugged by 3 people in this entire world.

I was diagnosed in my teens. BPD was brought up as a possibility when I was 12 years old. I immediately denied any possibility of me having such a thing. I figured that I was just going through some stuff and that I could solve it on my own. I was a big girl, I was extremely mature for my age, as I always have been. As the years went by and I went through hell and back, I started therapy and medication. I got diagnosed and I started coming to terms with my diagnosis. I would look up any information that I could find regarding BPD. I wanted to know what I had. I found out that there were more like me, that was some what of a comforting thought. I wasn’t alone! I wasn’t crazy! At the time I refused to do group therapy, this was mainly because of my severe dislike for people.

The medication would work for a while but we (my doctor and I) soon discovered that I had a high tolerance for medication. It certainly explained why my sleeping pills didn’t seem to work on me as they should have. I didn’t lose hope. I continued my therapy and whenever the current medication of choice would stop working, we would move on to the next.

From age 15 until about age 18/19, I was what some people would consider “reckless” and “impulsive”. While I have never done drugs in my life, I started abusing my medication. I would mix my medication with alcohol. I liked the way it made me feel. When I did that I could “escape” for a while. I didn’t have to deal with the real world. I didn’t have to deal with MYSELF. Then I would sometimes smoke weed. I became what you might call “promiscuous”, for a while. I used to cut. I would cut in my left arm. They became pretty deep cuts, I would bleed heavily. Every time I cut I would feel better. It was like I felt relieved. I was at the height of my BPD. In those years I did things that I don’t ever wish to do again. In fact, a big part of that period is a blur to me. Due to the medication and alcohol abuse and because I’ve blocked it out. I don’t like thinking about it. But it is a part of me and my history so I’ve accepted it.

During this period I also had a person in my life that was absolutely destructive to me. I let him use me (mentally, financially and physically). I was very well aware of what a bad influence he was on me but I was blinded. I was convinced that I loved him and that he cared for me. Somewhere I think that he did indeed care about me a lot, but it all just went to shit after a while. After a long while I finally cut ties with him and tried moving on with my life. I still think about him occasionally and long back to those times. As stupid as that may sound. And I am deathly afraid of him returning. I am afraid of how I will respond, I am afraid that I will drop everything and run right back after him. This thought often haunts me.

For a while things seemed somewhat stable. For as far as that was possible with someone like me. During all of this, during my entire “period”, I went to school and I worked. So please don’t think that I spent my days abusing medication and alcohol and had no life. I saw my friends, I went to school and I worked. My school career has been somewhat “weird”, to say the least. But more about that later.

I moved out on my own and everything was going fine. Until I started slipping away again and this time it was worse. Because I saw it coming this time. I reached out for help, I did the best that I could, but I still slipped away. Depression hit again. It took me a while but I eventually came out of it bit by bit. My therapy got more intense, different medication, you name it. But even though I did the best that I could, things still went down hill again. It’s like a roller coaster, up and down.

Things went south for me and I was going to be evicted out of my apartment, I hadn’t kept up with my rent payments. I had gone through a very impulsive spending spree, all on credit. I had a bunch of creditors tracking me down and I was being sued left and right. It was driving me absolutely INSANE. I am very sensitive to what happens around me. It can affect my moods very easily. I then decided to de-register out of the country. If I wasn’t registered, they couldn’t find me.

I then spent a few months in Norway in the country side, I needed to clear my head. I came back in the winter and I had gotten a job offer in Ireland, that I accepted. But circumstances didn’t allow me to move there for the job. A few months later I got offered another job, as an Au Pair. I moved to Sweden and I spent a few months there. I quit the Au Pair job I had there due to certain circumstances (the mother was bat shit crazy, that’s why!). I then moved to Denmark. In this period I had started a new medication, Prozac. Life was GREAT! I had met a great guy, we had started a relationship, I absolutely adored him, and it was mutual. Things went really fast.

As always, a lovely black cloud followed me and cast it bad luck upon me. My lovely boyfriend? Major issues (psychological). And I had no problem with that, at all. It would make me a hypocrite if I did. But being a typical male, he refused to open up. I could go on for hours about him and his short comings, but I won’t. Not now.

After about a year I came back to Amsterdam. It’s my home, it’s where I spent damn near my entire life. I came back to be with my Grandmother. Right now my days don’t consist of that much. I go and see my Grandmother, I spend time with her and with my cousin F. She’s pregnant and I’ve been real involved with the entire pregnancy.

I started up therapy again at my old practice. I didn’t go to therapy for a year while I was in Denmark. I’ve started all kinds of activities at the practice. So far I’ve taken up painting and flower arranging. I will soon be starting Mindfullness training, yoga, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, fitness and also Schema Therapy. I started yet ANOTHER new medication just over a month ago. It’s been working so far, I hope that it doesn’t STOP working like all the others have. I have an insanely high tolerance for medication and alcohol. So hopefully my days will be less boring and filled with all these activities. Because I have been doing NOTHING for months and it’s driving me bonkers. I mean it. I need to be stimulated.

I like to think of myself as a smart person, luckily many other people agree with me. So I feel completely useless just sitting around and doing nothing. I used to write, paint and draw a lot. But I haven’t felt like it for a LONG time. I only started painting again since about 2 weeks. I just need anything I can find to offer me distraction. Even though my medication work (for now), it’s still absolutely busy in my head. I need distraction… from myself…

I hadn’t cut in almost 6 years, but in October of 2012 I broke down and I cut. I was so devastated because of my boyfriend’s behavior and everything else that was stressing me out, that I just broke down. I was staying with my mother and the time and she was out of the country (as usual), so I was home alone. It frightened me so bad that I checked myself into the psychiatric hospital in Copenhagen. I stayed there for a few days. It did me good. I never wanted to cut, I really didn’t want to. It was something that I thought I had put behind me.

About 2 months ago I was extremely suicidal. To the point of planning how to do it. I had never in my entire life felt that way. I have been suicidal before, but never as much as this last time. It scared me, it scared me a lot. My doctor then prescribed me Cymbalta, because my Prozac had stopped working. Luckily it kicked in on time and my suicidal thoughts faded. But it was really scary, being in my head. I actually WANTED to die. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. That is all.

I will wrap this up, I’ve given you a pretty good impression of myself I think. For now at least. Can’t give you everything at once. Thank you for reading, and even if no one read this, this is like my diary. It’s to get it all off of my chest.

-Beautiful Disaster