That kind of day. Every day.

This picture truly speaks a thousand words. IMG_3444.JPG

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Rejection

That one thing that everyone has experienced at least one time or another in their lives. It’s never much fun and it really sucks, to be honest.

So a few days ago I did something that terrifies the hell out of me, I asked a guy for his number.

It was after midnight and I was standing at the train station when I saw a train conductor that was just getting off work. I was having a smoke when he started chatting me up. People (read: men) chat me up all the time and I generally walk away but he was cute so I stayed.

Dude was talking and talking. Asking questions and basically showing an interest in me. So yeah, my brain then picks up certain signals (or was I imagining them?!) and we both got into the train. We got separated because his coworkers saw him and they all went off to sit together.

After 10 whole minutes of pacing the train’s corridor I finally walked up to him and asked him if I could borrow him for a second. “You can do this!! Worst case scenario: he says no and you just go to the other part of the train, you won’t see him ever again! Come on! You can do this! Let’s be all YOLO about it!” Is what I kept repeating to myself as I walked up to him.

“May I ask you something? May I have your number?”, I asked while barely being able to look him in the eyes.

“Oh, wow! Really?! Oh wow! Sweetie, I am so sorry but I already have a girlfriend, otherwise I really would have given you my number!! Definitely!! You’re so sweet, thank you!” He replied.

It’s a good thing that my caramel skin hid the fact that I felt like my entire head had turned red. I just nodded and walked away as fast as I could without it seeming like I was running away.

That’s when it kicked in. “What were you thinking? Of course he has a girlfriend”. And my all time favorite kicked in as well: “Of course he turned you down, nobody wants you. Just another rejection to add to your life. Nobody wants you, you’ll forever be alone”.

As these thoughts haunted me while I paced up and down that train corridor, I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. Within a matter of minutes (2 minutes!!) this quickly turned into pure anger. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why are you fucking crying right now?! Crying is weak! You can’t be weak!!!”.

Next thing you know I was walking home at 1.30am with a million thoughts in my head and dried up tears on my cheeks.

I still can’t believe that I asked him for his number. My fear of rejection is right up there with my crippling fear of abandonment and my social anxiety. It took all of the courage that I had in me to do what I did. And it’s funny because I am 24, turning 25 in less than a month, and I can’t even ask a guy for his number. At least not face to face, online is much easier. Go team Introvert. #IntrovertsUnite. Lol.

But hey, just another night, just another rejection….

Never Enough

Five Finger Death Punch (best.band.ever) sums it up very nicely, how I feel right now (and every other day, basically). So let me quote the following song….

“Never Enough”

I’m so fed up with everyone around me
No one seems to care
I’m just so far gone and nothing’s gonna change
I’ll never be the same
It’s always do this, do that, everything they want to
I don’t wanna live that way (No!)
Every chance they get they’re always pushing me away

It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be

It’s all so messed up and no one ever listens
Everyone’s deranged
I’m just so fucked up and I’m never gonna change
I wanna lay it all to waste
They’re always say this, say that, nothing that you want to
I don’t wanna live that way (No!)
Every chance they get they’re always shoving me aside

It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be
I’M DONE!

In the end we’re all just chalk lines on the concrete
Drawn only to be washed away
For the time that I’ve been given
I am what I am

I’d rather hate you for everything you are
Than ever love you for something you are not
I’d rather you hate me for everything I am
Than have you love me for something that I can’t

It’s never enough, it’s never enough
No matter what I say
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter who I try to be
It’s never enough, no it’s never enough
No matter how I try to change
It’s never enough, never never enough
I’ll never be what you want me to be

Narrow minded fucktards

There is a group home for ex addicts with psychiatric issues near my house. I was walking past it when a man walked up to me and he was talking to himself about all kinds of conspiracies. It was painfully obvious that he was a paranoid schizophrenic. I listened to him ramble on for a second when this woman walked by and said: “All a bunch of crazies. I don’t want them in our neighbourhood, they should throw them all in jail!!”. 

I had to do my very best not to blow up at her and instead I calmly said: “I’ve got BPD along with a whole other bunch of mental health issues and I live in this neighbourhood as well, I suppose that you want me thrown in jail as well?!”.

She turned red in the face and quickly walked away.

Narrow minded people like her really piss me the fuck off!! No, you do not “just throw the crazies in jail”!! How is that helping?! You give them the proper help that they need, you don’t just throw them aside as if they’re trash!!

Oh, my blood is still boiling!!!

Enter title right here, cuz I can’t think of one

I don’t know what to say, I don’t know where to start. I just know that I’m not doing well, not at all.

After I had dinner with my friends downstairs I came home, hopped into bed and watched a few of my series. As I finished watching “mom” I just felt this “pang”, it just hit me like that. It was like a big hammer of absolute depression/angst/desperation hit me. Next thing you know, I feel like utter shit and I was crying.

I have a million things to say and yet at the same time I truly do not know where to start. I feel like I have no one to talk to, despite having 2 shrinks and seeing them weekly. I just don’t KNOW anymore. I feel so damn CONFUSED.

I honestly just want to sleep. Just sleep forever and feel nothing. I know that may sound dramatic but it’s truly how I feel now and how I’ve felt for 2 months now.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up before completely breaking down.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I feel so crappy that I have to go puke and then cry myself to sleep. Excuse my dramatic flair.