You know whats hilarious? One of these days I am gonna lose it. Like completely psychotic break.

I just know its coming. Don’t know if that’s sad or hilarious. Oddly enough I think that a part of me is hoping for just that. Like I’m looking forward to being completely in my own world, cut off from reality. Like that would somehow be less chaotic….

Le sigh…

I’m leading a double life. I’m living a lie. I’m in severe denial and I am very well aware of it but I rather have this than nothing at all. All because deep down inside I’m deathly afraid of him leaving. Even though every (logical) part of me knows that he will never leave. And yet, because of this deep seeded fear I’m still deathly afraid of him leaving.

In the back of my mind I know exactly how everything is, but when I am with him I just ignore it all and I try to enjoy our moments together. Even though I know that it’s not entirely real.

Our bond is special and very real. Our connection is very rare. He can be himself around me and I can be myself around him, even though I rarely am. But not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t.

Being the emotional masochist that I am I will just continue living this lie because anything is better than nothing.

I could never be “just friends”. We were never “just friends”. We have always been more. When you look at our relationship, everything is there. Everything except for one, and that’s the most important one.

Why don’t you love me?

I feel strange. For the last 2 weekends I have intentionally kept myself out of the house and extremely busy. All in an attempt to keep my “weekend blues” away.

On the weekends it all comes bursting out. Everything that I have kept bottled up all week, it all comes out. I then basically spend the entire day feeling like shit and crying my eyeballs out. Fun hé?!

It has started again. I’m in bed right now, listening to Joe’s new album and I can feel it. I can feel that all too familiar wave rushing over me. That incredible wave of confusion and sadness, all wrapped into one.

I think I am just gonna turn around and try not to cry, because if I do,.. It will be hard to stop.

I hate feeling this way. I really do. Make it stop?

I was looking for love…
I was looking for love…
I was looking for love in all the wrong places…

Ain’t that the truth? I’ve looked for love in all the wrong places. Pretending that the lust and raw animal attraction was love. When I know damn well that it isn’t. But in that moment a part of your brain figures: “Well… Hey.. Let’s play pretend”. Just to get away for a bit.

Sigh…

I have a new hobby. One that I really like and that I hope to become really good at. I go to the range and I just take a deep breath, aim and fire away. At today’s lesson I saw that I improved a lot, it’s an awesome feeling. One day soon I will be a perfect shot.. Mark my words!

This scene from my all time favorite movie is basically the story of my life….
Always fearing that they will leave.

Will that fear ever go away….?

I almost had 5 years and then I relapsed a few weeks before my 5th anniversary. Then the counter started again. I almost had 1 year, then I relapsed again. Counter back to 0, now I’m almost on 1 year again and I can feel impending doom. And I’m trying SO hard to fight these urges.

Ugh. Just, AAAAARGH.

I’m at work and I’m suddenly very sad. My lawyer (my lover and the man I’m in love with but I’ve been denying this for weeks now, he loves me but isn’t IN love with me. He’s still getting over his ex, they’re in the middle of a divorce), who I also work with just left for his 2 weeks vacation. And I know this sounds extremely silly but I didn’t want him to go 😦

Lately all my emotions have been flaring up. From extremely intense rage to extremely intense sadness, panic attacks, you name it. I emailed 1of my 2 therapists (from my Schema therapy) and I told her that I really need a regular weekly therapist as well and that I didn’t wanna wait until they were both back from vacation in September. All these sudden flares are ruining me and I need to be able to function, especially for work.

I’ve been struggingling with all these mental things plus physical problems (a LOT), and it’s just doing my head in.

I’m at work now and as I watched him walk away to his car just now, I just felt this wave of sadness come over me. I just feel like crying. I have been bottling everything up that has been happening to me these past few weeks. Not allowing myself to deal with it because I’m afraid that it will cause me to break down and I won’t be able to function. But I’m reaching my boiling point. So I guess seeing him leave just brought up a lot of feelings and fears….

I am this close to crying right here at work…