Why don’t you love me?

I’m leading a double life. I’m living a lie. I’m in severe denial and I am very well aware of it but I rather have this than nothing at all. All because deep down inside I’m deathly afraid of him leaving. Even though every (logical) part of me knows that he will never leave. And yet, because of this deep seeded fear I’m still deathly afraid of him leaving.

In the back of my mind I know exactly how everything is, but when I am with him I just ignore it all and I try to enjoy our moments together. Even though I know that it’s not entirely real.

Our bond is special and very real. Our connection is very rare. He can be himself around me and I can be myself around him, even though I rarely am. But not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t.

Being the emotional masochist that I am I will just continue living this lie because anything is better than nothing.

I could never be “just friends”. We were never “just friends”. We have always been more. When you look at our relationship, everything is there. Everything except for one, and that’s the most important one.

Why don’t you love me?

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