I’m at work and I’m suddenly very sad. My lawyer (my lover and the man I’m in love with but I’ve been denying this for weeks now, he loves me but isn’t IN love with me. He’s still getting over his ex, they’re in the middle of a divorce), who I also work with just left for his 2 weeks vacation. And I know this sounds extremely silly but I didn’t want him to go 😦

Lately all my emotions have been flaring up. From extremely intense rage to extremely intense sadness, panic attacks, you name it. I emailed 1of my 2 therapists (from my Schema therapy) and I told her that I really need a regular weekly therapist as well and that I didn’t wanna wait until they were both back from vacation in September. All these sudden flares are ruining me and I need to be able to function, especially for work.

I’ve been struggingling with all these mental things plus physical problems (a LOT), and it’s just doing my head in.

I’m at work now and as I watched him walk away to his car just now, I just felt this wave of sadness come over me. I just feel like crying. I have been bottling everything up that has been happening to me these past few weeks. Not allowing myself to deal with it because I’m afraid that it will cause me to break down and I won’t be able to function. But I’m reaching my boiling point. So I guess seeing him leave just brought up a lot of feelings and fears….

I am this close to crying right here at work…